Something went wrong in Dorking

No measurable reduction in violence in Dorking and no discernible increase of footfall in the town's nightclubs since my recent mystery outdoor campaign to really PACK people into the clubs. The 'moths' have resisted my 'Rubiks Cube', which is VERY unexplainable.

I stickered an ENTIRE car park with home-printed (written in biro) post-it notes, so the audience ratings would have been SKY HIGH. I don't know what went wrong, but you can't blame me for trying so don't bother (you would be AMAZED how many people regularly do blame me for trying).

Herman once blamed me for frying, but in fairness the smoke in the kitchen was hazardous and set off the smoke alarm, so that's a "fair cop". The walls still need a wipe down. The soot and grime is shameful but it makes every meal feel 'Dickensian', which is a GREAT bonus.

The internet is now VERY fast and here's the proof:

Yesterday I created an entirely new chocolate product and I've had ONE big company already warning me off producing it with STRONG legal cautions. Again, this shows my mind is WAY ahead of the curve in most sectors.

MY Legal advisor (Carol - she hoovers for us but she's got an unnaturally mistrustful mind, which makes her good at The Law) said I should go ahead and make the Co-Co Thump but she had a selfish, hungry look in her eyes = not to be trusted.

I've decided I'll make it tonight under cover of darkness (turn lights off in the kitchen). It means suspending work on my hat/router project, but the reward for appetite and tastebuds will be LARGE.

Did I EVER receive an answer from JK Rowling? Answer = no. Conclusion = a GREAT writer but tardy/rude in her responses to plot suggestions. Also the films make NO sense plot-logically and the actors seem to change every five minutes.

If Harry Potter was ginger, would you 'buy' it? Who knows? Or would you rather eat a Co-Co Thump? Vote NOW!

My mouth is non-traditional media

What's the best form of advertising? Word of mouth, that's who!

Until we get wireless routers installed in hats (I'm working on THAT), we're stuck using the old-fashioned method of talking to each other. Normally this involves sticking to a topic of conversation, but I've RARELY been one for tradition except when it comes to marriage, scheduled eating times and The Law. Don't break it, or it will take a hammer to you.

Anyway, what's to stop someone (like ME) from using my mouth to advertise things like a moving, audio billboard? Answer = nothing.

Yesterday I was at the bus stop with a LOT of potential 'punters' (the weather was GREAT if you want to picture the scene). TOTALLY spontaneously I muttered "Snickers REALLY delivers in the hunger eradication stakes".

No-one paid any attention at all and we all got on the bus, but at a subliminal-brain-audio level, I can 100% guarantee that all SEVEN people will crave Snickers like brainwashed sheep next time they're hungry. I'm keeping an eye on the stock market to see how it impacts on confectionery share prices.

If you want to book 'media space' on my mouth, let me know but be aware that the rates are SKY HIGH. The ROI bacon is a shoo-in, though, so it's worth double whatever I'm charging. Probably more.

All this talk of food is making me famished! I've got a hankering for pineapple sandwiches and I DON'T know where it came from.

If I was inventing a chocolate bar, I'd call it "Belmot's Massive Co-Co Thump" which would accurately descibe it's ingredients (cocoa), it's size (gargantuan - you'd need both hands to hold it. Ideally three) and the feeling you'd get when you ate it (an agonising thumping for your cholesterol levels and heart). I'm smacking my lips already!

Dorking clubbers = moths to my Rubik's Cube

I've been doing some TOP-LEVEL planning in the last few days to really dig into the key insights of what drives people into my local nightclub (Reflexions). The establishment is a much-hated disgrace in the area so this is the PERFECT time for a re-brand.

I haven't done any research in 'the field' but I've literally got a hunch that people go to nightclubs to drink booze and release violent emotions.

Using my brain (sharp as a KNIFE), I turned these key insights into a creative execution leaflet (printed on Post-It notes):

Ha ha! It's BRILLIANT, isn't it? It appeals to the thirst for booze AND the violent temperament of the average 'clubgoer'. But the REAL bacon delivery system is the MYSTERY element of the 'secret'. What is it? Do YOU know? Can YOU work it out? Unlikely.

There is NO secret, but beer-fuelled proles won't care. That brand of imbecile will be unstoppably attracted against their will to seek out the conundrum, like moths to a Rubik's cube.

The proof of THIS pudding can be seen in the popularity of the Da Vinci Code. Complete RUBBISH and intriguing. The film was a 'popcorn' smash too.

Once I've doubled the intake of vomiting dance enthusiasts, I'll be able to invoice the club owner (whoever that is) BIG time. He can't argue with the tills, so I'll just ask to see his takings to prove my case. Leaflets + effectiveness = remuneration. Case closed!

In case students go clubbing (literally no-one knows if they do), I've also created a Gilbert & George version. Apparently they're bacon deliverers too.

It's arty but witless, like the OVERWHELMING majority of students and Gilbert & George's cannon. Booom! Ha ha!

I'm trying to persuade Herman to do some 'field' research at the club tonight, but he's refusing to miss Holby City. He has a good but LAZY point, as usual.

The car is NOT macabre, the club is VIOLENT

If you could see my eyes right now (which literally I hope you CAN'T) you would realise that I've barely slept a WINK and need more 'kip'. They're LITERALLY as red as lobsters.

Through a combination of GREAT advertising and overwhelming cowardice, I had to stay up ALL night comforting my husband and reading appropriate passages from the bible.

Herman got into the car last night to go to Budgens for more gravy granules and, through a combination of his damp clothes and the cold weather, the windscreen immediately steamed up. As planned, the steam revealed my cutting-edge advert for 'shammy' leather on the screen.

Unfortunately, Herman saw his name being written on the glass by an unseen hand and illogically assumed it was the work of malign AND macabre spirits from the astral plains. He ran screaming into the house and put his head under the bed covers. The maths WASN'T done on this as it's VERY unlikely that macabre spirits would tell anyone to clean their car using name brand cleaners.

OPPORTUNITY: Whoever cracks 'macabre advertising' like this will create a DEFINITE niche in the market and that's a GUARANTEE.

Anyway, upshot = muggins here had to:

• turn off the car engine (good for the environment)
• close the front door (good for the heating bills)
• placate Herman's distraught mind with relaxing readings from Exodus (his favourite section, NOT mine) until he fell asleep at 9.45am this morning

He's refusing to go any further than the upstairs landing until our Turkish minister/decorator comes back and performs ANOTHER exorcism on the car. Personally, I think Cillit Bang will literally do the same job for half the price, but anything which stops Herman shaking and wailing like a baby in an earthquake is a silver lining.

The whole thing has meant that I've had to put my 'new business' activities on hold again. I'm doing a LOT of strategy planning into how to revitalise a rubbish nightclub in town. It's always in the papers with allegations of loud music and drunk 'nightclubbers' causing alcohol-fuelled violence on the streets. A civic disgrace.

My plan is to develop a leaflet campaign to REALLY get the punters through the doors. At least double current figures, at a conservative estimate. If it works, I'll just invoice the club owner BIG-time for the revenue I've created. I need the cash.

He hasn't asked me to do this but he won't complain when he literally sees the bacon coming through the door.

Cleaning products CAN deliver bacon

Hold on TIGHT because today is a whistle-stop tour through the HOT news that I've been thinking about:

• All windows should come with an advert for Windowlene written on them in wax. This would basically be invisble until the window got steamed up. Solution? Buy Windowlene!
• Do EXACTLY the same thing for car windows, but advertising 'shammy' leather.
• Public demand would then force Halfords to sell these products at traffic lights (GREAT point of sale supply (POSS)), if only to clear the filthy wax off the windscreen. The potential for traffic collisions would be HIGH but balanced out by sales of 'shammies'.

I'm going to test this out with a sample of the driving community (my husband). If he notices that I've written on our windscreen in wax (it was vanilla scented, but it does NOT have to be in future), then that's good. If he actually BUYS a 'shammy' leather then we'll ALL be eating bacon and that's 100% in stone.

Actually, I'll be surprised if he buys a 'shammy' leather as I only got as far as writing "HERMAN - CLEAN THIS MUCK OFF WITH A NAME BRAND CLEANER" before I ran out of space on the screen and had to move onto the bonnet. If he can see through the glass at all, it'll be a good but unlikely start.

Here's another cleaning product 'no-thinker' for you to fathom to its logical conclusion: Mr Sheen should be used as a mascot of the 'Eastern European' countries because he's Polish.

Ha ha HA! That works on at least two levels:

1. Advertising common sense
2. A GREAT joke

If anyone uses it, credit me VERY big. I've a STRONG suspicion I'm not getting the credit I deserve for a lot of my guru thinking. I need to start reaping cash FAST.

Hot idea for a ROTTING brand

Here's a HOT idea which is 100% guaranteed to revive a DEAD brand and give Web-You afficionados a higher quality of web experience.

First of all, what's the point of Tipp-Ex now? NO-ONE uses it because there's no typewriters OR paper anymore. This is what I call a ROTTING brand: just taking up space on the shelves. I've got a bottle somewhere which is probably impossible to open because I've not used it since getting a computer.

Secondly, what's the WORST thing about the internet? Answer = it's a mess and it's FULL of rubbish.

Thirdly, put together two problems (see above) and what do you get? Answer = a GENIUS solution: Tipp-Ex for the internet!

Using either a USB port or a wireless router, put Tipp-Ex online and start getting rid of the RUBBISH that's filling up the web. At first, it would be handy for editing spelling mistakes, but later you could 'white-out' WHOLE websites which offended you (Tesco).

The ROI bacon is that you'll NEVER have to look at bad websites again AND Tipp-Ex comes back from the dead to be a MAJOR player in the new-world-web-order of web-enabled stationery. That's "pot black" for Belmot!

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Someone get cracking on this NOW. If you want to imagine a graph of the current situation, picture 'demand' being high, but 'supply' at rock bottom.

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Ha ha! It's all VERY simple if you're brain works like mine (unlikely, I spend a lot of time refining my thinking).

I'll clean this land with GENETICS

Witness the animal kingdom future of litter-collection !

The government's recent decision to keep the South East of England defended with deadly nuclear capabilities set me thinking about the problem of there being TOO much chewing gum on the streets.

Mr 'brain-jerk' reaction to ANY problem is to find a futuristic solution, and the abomination of nature that you behold now is the planet's ONLY hope. It's basically a mongrel dog but with a 'scrapey' nose and it ONLY eats chewing gum or the dead carcasses of other 'scrapey' dogs. Clever, eh? I can't see a single flaw in this genetic design.

It looks hideous and would terrify you beyond the limits of sanity the first time you saw one maruading at breakneck speeds through the street (I've designed it with a top speed of 85mph for efficiency), but you'd soon feel the ROI in having no gum on the pavement.

The only alternatives are:

1) Resurface EVERWHERE with grey polka-dot paving slabs so the gum 'blends in'. HIGHLY attractive but not practical - the council would whinge like infants if you so much as suggested it.

2) Only sell green chewing gum and actively encourage EVERYONE to spit it onto the roads. This would eventually replace the unsightly tarmac with lush, green highways:

I'd DEFINITELY call it either 'The Green, Green Gum of Home' or 'England's Green and Pleasant Gum' (patriotic).

Do NOT email me asking for gum OR a 'scrapey' dog. I currently have neither but I can GUARANTEE that this will not deter enthusiastic idiots who've only skimmed the text and not 'skleaned' it.

Weather BRILLIANT, but is dinner un-themed

Ha ha! Hello!

The weather in Dorking is BRILLIANT at the moment and the ROI is that my brain feels GREAT! Woo-oo!

After a LOT of research, I decided to use a Greek Orthodox minister to perform the exorcism on my husband's portrait and the satanically damp towel. I couldn't find a Greek minister (short supply in Dorking = gap in the market) but DID track down a Turkish decorator (practically the same thing but more moustache).

Anyway, his theological AND interior design opinion was that the radiator needed to be bled (not as macabre as it sounds) and that a BAD mixture of creosote and cheap paint was causing Herman's portrait to rot and decay. Case closed!

So in many ways, everything is back to normal, except for the reek of brimstone which now permeates every room, intrudes on my dreams and fills my senses with terror like a foul mist.
That reminds me, I need to go to the butcher QUICKLY. His meat is WELL past it's prime at the best of times, but it gets a LOT worse in the afternoon which is BAD news for the dinner party I've planned for this weekend.

I still need to pick a theme for the party, so SOME suggestions are welcome, but not RUBBISH ones. Don't try and 'talk turkey' if you're a rank amateur. GREAT ideas for dinner party themes I've had in the past are:

Big Brother: Sellotape disposable cameras in every room and force everyone to drink cider. Ruined by Herman impersonating Craig and parading around the table with his shirt off.



Fancy dress: Great fun but ALWAYS ruined by Herman refusing to dress as anyone other than Bismarck.

Murder: Watch a video of Morse. Frequently ruined by Herman asking "Is this the one where Lewis is sick in a passage?". This makes him an IDIOT because we only have one episode on tape so we ALWAYS watch that one. Carol dressed up as Miss Marple once, which was confusing for EVERYONE. I didn't know where to look.

Harry Potter: whatever a guest wants to eat 'magically' appears on the table. The reality was I pretended to be a fortune-telling waitress, then ran into the kitchen and made whatever people wanted. Derek's diabetes took a 'hammering' that night, for obvious reasons. His eyes swelled to DISGUSTING proportions after I gave him a profiterole tower.

There was also definite friction when EVERYONE turned up with a lightning blot scar biro'd on their forehead. We couldn't ALL be Harry Potter, so 99% of guests had to wash this off which RUINED the hand towel in the downstairs cloakroom. Also most wands were lost or broken and everyone left unhappy.

I had a Garfield party in the 80s once. Badly thought out and painful to think about now. NOT everyone likes lasagne.

Anyway, my favourite theme at the moment is either 'Christmas' (obvious) or 'Internet' (I have NO idea how this would work). Herman wants a 'Panthers and Gazelles' theme, but that's his answer to everything at the moment.

The damp is inexpressibly macabre

The level of occult activity in my house is now UNBEARABLE.

Last night my husband said he heard a disembodied voice last night, which is rich coming from an amateur radio enthusiast. He should be used to THAT level of paranormal activity, the stupid coward.

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I also put a damp towel on the bathroom radiator yesterday morning and it was STILL damp in the evening. I don't know if this is a direct result of occult activity or not (I'm NOT an expert in this field, despite popular opinion saying otherwise) but it's DEFINITELY not a normal dampness. It has a macabre aura to it which fills me with a sinking despair.

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If I've become the victim of satanic practices, I will NOT be impressed. At best I will be astonished, but in an irritated way.

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Herman continues to look unnaturally healthy (glowing with rude health, in fact) while his portrait has moldered beyond recognition. The hoover is CONSTANTLY out to clear up the blistered paint all over the dining room carpet. Vooooom!

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I really need to call a priest to sort this out. If you have any recommendations on which denomination is toughest on Satan, let me know quickly and I'll give them a go. Ideally a Polish faith which works harder and is cheaper than English workmen/curates.

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To make matters worse, I saw a letter from the National Gallery in the post this morning. I would LITERALLY die of embarrassment if they exhibited Herman's portrait as it is. Potentially letting 'Old Nick' loose in central London would be a BAD move too, for many people.

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Old Nick and Saint Nick. Isn't one of them Santa Clause? Santa is an anagram of Satan = two similarities. They both wear RED = three similarities. That's one too many for me.

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On the plus side, it's reminded me that I need a LOT more ketchup and Bovril. We're having people to dinner tomorrow and I'm making my infamous bolognaise. It's 100% beefier and 30% more tomatoey than the average rubbish you'll have been eating. That's a GUARANTEE.

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Mama mia! Ha ha ha!

It may be an OCCULT pact

Something VERY occult has happened in the last few days. I've noticed that Herman's recent painting of himself has been decaying at a rate of knots, but his face has barely changed at all!

This is perturbing because he's DEFINITELY been ill and should be looking at least 60% worse. As it is, he looks about 38% BETTER than he usually does. I will NOT be pleased if he's made ANY kind of occult pact. The last pact he made involved us sitting in a timeshare apartment presentation for HOURS and only got a set of bad cutlery in return. Criminal.

It's ALSO perturbing because he mounted the painting on the wall in the dining room, so it's shedding paint all over the sideboard.

The stench of brimstone in that room is unbearable.

The whole affair reeks of being sinister and I DON'T like it. The implications are disgusting, to say the least and I don't need the chattering classes raking up muck about yours truly (me). The Dorking Advertiser is ALWAYS on the look-out for 'dirt' on me and they'd have a field day if they got hold of this.

MORE bad Belmot news is that the fence panel Herman 'requisitioned' for his painting hasn't been replaced, so I can see STRAIGHT through into next door's garden and THEN into their house. I've been staring through the gap for hours and it's boring. Come on! Do something! If next door realise that this is a "two-way street" and can look back through, the bad news will be sky high. Literally.

I need a 'jee and tea' and make it quick! Ha ha! Isn't that what Trotter always drinks in the pub?

Ha ha! My brain is now FULL of endorphins and I feel GREAT! Good old Trotter!

The slop is effective, the advert is NOT

I've DEFINITELY just discovered a flaw in the television at the moment while trying to sort out my husband's chesty cough and blocked sinuses. Look at the doctor on Eastenders:

Now here she is AGAIN as a mother buying Vicks:

The whole thing is VERY confusing because:
1) She's having 'baby problems' on Eastenders but has a baby in this advert = confusing!
2) She's buying Vicks in a supermarket but, as a doctor, would probably just send a nurse out to buy it for her in real life = wrong!
3) It was on ITV and Eastenders is on BBC = confused brand message!

Anyway, I can GUARANTEE that this will NOT sell Vicks OR help anyone understand Eastenders (impenetrable at the best of times, downright sordid at the worst). The only good thing about the whole disaster is that the advert is EXCELLENT. I give it four stars**** for goodness, but minus three stars-*-*-* for clarity. Rotten to the core.

After this mayhem was eventually cleared up, the good shops were shut and Herman was making noises like an air-locked radiator full of mud. Inhuman.

Fortunately, I managed to create my own Vicks out of chewing gum, horseradish, toothpaste (Macleans, but Colgate would have been 100% better), glue and turps. Easy if you have the ingredients to hand. Impossible if you don't (unless the shops are open: then you're back to square one).

So far, the feedback is that it's minty AND effective. Herman says he hasn't felt this sinus-clean since he was "gassed good and proper" in the army. He's prone to exaggeration though - he keeps making lewd comments about not minding the doctor from Eastenders cutting his leg off, which is a downright LIE. He cried like an infant when he dropped a paving slab on his foot last year while re-doing the patio.

Anyway, he didn't sleep a wink ALL night due to the burning sensation inside his head and eyes from my homebrew Vicks. That's a CLOUD, but the lack of gurgling and grunts through the night is a silver lining.

I'm not sure whether to email the BBC or Vicks about this new medicine. I may just take it to the local chemist on a 'sale or return' basis. I need the mop bucket to clean the floor but it's brimming over with the fuming slop.

Thieves won't take my blog

No word from the National Gallery, which is GOOD news as far as my reputation is concerned.

Apparently the government have banned junk food advertising, which is rich when you look at John Prescott! He's as fat as a FOOL and these pictures may as well be captioned:

"Give me burgers! I'll eat the blooming lot! I'll DEFINITELY have more than I need for my daily energy intake! Yum yum! Oooh yes, yum yum!"

Anyway, if you're thinking AHEAD of the curve or merely reading ahead of the curve (hint: you're doing this right now) then you'll have realised that it's a storm in a cup.

The CLEVER answer is not to advertise anything as junk food. Simply call it 'lunch', 'dinner' or 'grub' if you're advertising to the 'common' end of the market. Why can't anyone else see this? Come on! It shouldn't be up to me EVERY time (although it always IS).

Maybe MacDonalds should only hand over a Big Mac once you've dropped and given them twenty (press-ups or sit-ups, not squat-thrusts: too easy). I'd brand this exercise-rewarded catering as 'hunk food'. H is next to J on the keyboard so that's EASY for a start. Case closed!

Resurrecting a VERY popular favourite, I had toast for breakfast and chops for lunch. It's too early for dinner but I'm STILL in the mood for chops. Can you get turkey chops? I like the idea and I can REALLY picture what they look like in my mind.

Only reply to this if you're a qualified butcher and can 'talk turkey'. I don't want hack amateurs airing their dirty opinions in my public.

Ha ha! This ENTIRE post has been about food! Look out Gordon Ramsey!

The garage door was left open all night which is bad for security but good for 'obvious reasons'. I doubt burglars read the internet so I'm not worried about broadcasting this to the thieving classes. If my blog goes missing tomorrow, you'll know it's been stolen off the internet! Ha ha!

I'm genuinely still in the mood for chops and now I want a drink too.