Friday, July 24, 2009

Oscar Wilde gutter persuasion

To paraphrase Oscar Wilde, we're all in the gutter but some of us are persuading other gutter-people to buy things

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Mrs Belmot's guide to NOT killing the planet

The internet is costing us millions, and who's paying the bill PLUS service charge? The planet, that's who.

To make matters worse, the tip isn't optional like it can be everywhere except America. You've GOT to pay, like when you go to America or an American puts the guilt on you with their judgmental eyes in a British restaurant.

Here comes the maths. Keep up.

I keep my computer on ALL the time. What's the cost of this in electricity? No-one can say for sure, so let's say £5 of electricity a day.

Now let's multiply this by 1,596,270,108 which is the total number of internet users.

That's a whopping £7,981,350,540 - nearly eight BILLION pounds a day. The biggest number I've ever written. Whatever that means to the planet is anyone's guess. MY guess is that it's terrible news. It's giving me sweats. BAD sweats.

To make matters worse, this ISN'T factoring in the cost of running all the servers needed to keep the internet full of clutter, like your photos on Facebook, or day-to-day banality sharers such as Twitter or Facebook again.

Let's factor that amount in with a conservative highly-educated guesstimate: let's double the previous figure and add four billion to make a round TWENTY BILLION pounds of electricity a day to run the internet. No wonder the planet is cankerous.

Now let's apply the insight. Keep up again.

We might as well just pour poison onto soil while paying a fortune in electricity. This is NOT advice, it's a metaphor. Don't actually do this. I do NOT need a repeat of the 'Milork' leaflet fiasco. If we keep on internetting at this rate, I safely predict a global catastrophe before the Olympics in 2012.

What to do:

Delete everything you've ever put on the internet to reduce burden-strain on servers. Stop using banality-sharers more than once a month. Turn off the central heating and wear more clothes. Clean your house using wind rather than hoovers. Microwave jacket potatoes rather than ovenning them. Check this blog on an hourly basis for mandates.

Case closed.

File under environmental FACT-mongering.

P.B (post-blog - DO try to keep up)
Herman has been strutting around the house claiming he was "born to drive steel", whatever that means. This has all the hallmarks of a 'whopper'. He's been listening to too much Johnny Cash and wearing "that" shirt again.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Mrs Belmot's shopping voucher

Shop staff can't be expected to keep up with current or even bygone internet trends (such as blogging and forums), so prey on their ignorance with Mrs Belmot's multi-purpose printable discount voucher:

The great boon is you can use it anywhere AND I've made it a socking great 75% off anything you want. DEFINITE takers include Budgens, River Island, WHSmith and Bennett's garden centre on the B2038. No-one is keen to accept it but they can't argue with the internet.

It's the kind of ROI which name brands can only envisage during fevered dreams or waking hallucinations.

The bacon is back.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Mrs Belmot's Guide to the Internet



Mrs Belmot's blog is back like a phoenix from the ashes!

I have LITERALLY died under an avalanche of requests from everyone wanting to know how they should use the internet in 2009. Luckily my trusty St Bernard (brain) dug me out of the snow (did the maths) and gave me some brandy (vimto) before lumbering off (they're friendly but their attention span is woeful):

Mrs Belmot's Guide to the Internet in 2009

Blogging - don't bother. I stopped for ages and everyone else jumped off the bandwagon too, like sheep-moths following a flame going out. Puff! In the hands of amateurs (you) It's basically a long-winded waste of time and internet space. In the hands of a pro (me) it's a razor-sharp tool of insight and foresight.

Twitter - Like blogging for infants (see above for the pro/am distinction).

Facebook - I rarely go here and only check back to see if they've changed their colours to something less "IN YOUR FACE". Get OUT of my face, more like! Ha ha!

Voucher codes: a BIG thing. Anyone paying full price at Pizza Express is a berk-royale. They're everywhere and shop staff are too thick to comprehend how the internet works, so just make your own and they'll believe you.

Google - Slowly but DEFINITELY becoming pre-occupied with death as my picture-documentary on Google's search suggestions recently exposed:

Herman - embroiled in a Rocky Horror Show 'time warp' fight against the postman. A nasty mess left on the drive. DON'T tell the council or they'll go ballistics, when they should really go forensics. Herman keeps threatening to "do the time warp again" and sometimes invites me to join his sordid game saying "LET'S do the time warp again". A glassy look comes over his eyes when he says it and he goes all a-fluster. Sordid

Lunch - most likely a pie or 'toasty-soup'. NOT both.