Thursday, December 21, 2006

The chair has HAD to go into the garden

I had a terrible headache ALL day yesterday which I think must be some kind of 24-hour winter flu as it has now totally disappeared. My husband was very unsympathetic and told me LOUDLY that I had a hangover from the latest batch of mulled wine:

Everyone knows for a FACT that you can't get ill off mulled wine and I went on the internet to prove this. If you can find anything to support MY argument (not Herman's) let me know - I couldn't find a thing on the usual 'hot' sites (amazon, visitdorking, etc). The truth is out there but I couldn't find it. Case closed.

There's other good and bad news too. On the plus side, Herman DID spill the plate of beetroort juice all over himself and RUINED his blouse, as I planned.

On the bad side, he thinks the red stains make it look MORE festive and he's more determined than ever to keep wearing it. He also now won't let me wash it in case it ruins the colours. It stinks to high heaven and is definitely a woman's blouse. It buttons on the "woman's" side.

However, I have to admit it looks GREAT in a Christmassy way!

Another bad side issue was that, after spilling the juice down his front, he was so drowsy from the Benylin that he couldn't be moved and slept at the dinner table until about midday yesterday. Next time, I'll seek medical advice when I dose him. I was worried he wouldn't wake up until Boxing Day - then I'd REALLY have some explaining to do.

As it is, the chair he slept on seems to have 'suffered' from excessive heat and moisture. I've put it in the garden to air until the guests arrive on Monday.

I'm REALLY Christmas excited now. Not including today (as good as over and just wasting time until the BIG day), there's only two rubbish days left and then it's Christmas Eve (often better than Day as this is easily ruined by other people and ill-thought-out 'competitive' tv scheduling). I'm also about 10% sad because it's over a year until next Christmas.

It's VERY misty where I live, so if I don't see you in time and you're a blog reader, have a VERY merry Christmas. If you're not a blog reader, you won't understand what I'm talking about anyway and you're probably just wasting the internet for everyone else. Get off!

Herman's been in the bath for hours and I think he may have fallen asleep again. I hope he gets out soon. The last thing I need is to have to call a plumber to drag the bath into the garden for an airing.

Monday, December 18, 2006

He'll be DROWSY

I'm saving money this year by only sending out my November batch of Christmas cards. Normally I send out a secondary batch in December to prompt people to send ME one back, but this year I've decided to save on cards, ink, envelopes and postage. So instead this is an online Christmas card for ALL my great blogreaders. Look above this text if you want to see it.

Herman has been wearing his shirt/man-blouse almost round the clock since he bought it, so my only hope is that it goes threadbare before Christmas day. (Unlikely: the quality of M&S blouses is EXCELLENT). Really though, he is sleeping in it and I think he may have kept it on during his bath.

I've worked out that my plan for people to assume that it was a gender-swapping party would NOT work if someone asked if this was the case. This could be asked through stupidity (likely) or even malice (less likely at this time of year).

I can't risk it though. I'm going to slip a LOT of Benylin into Herman's dinner tonight then when he's very woozy, I'll give him a brimming plate of beetroot juice to hold. Hopefully he'll spill it all over himself and ruin the blouse. I can't think of:
a) anything wrong with this plan.
b) any other course of action.

If you spot any flaws or can think of a better plan let me know. But be quick - I need to get down the shops to buy all the Benylin.

On a different subject, some people are thick. The woman who hoovers us was whinging on over the weekend how she can't remember what to buy when she gets to the shops. I had the GREAT idea of telling her to record her shopping list as a podcast and upload it to a blog or even a dedicated web server. Then if she forgot anything she could access the internet from a 'cyber-cafe', download the podcast, listen to the list and REMEMBER what she forgot.

Anyway, I don't like to name call but in this case it's just a statement of true facts. Carol is really thick and doesn't understand how the internet version TWO is working. She gave me a look like I was the thick one, which made me regret giving her a proper paper Xmas card. I also hope she doesn't read this blog as:
a) it's insulting.
b) she'll get a SECOND Xmas card for free (see above, unless you're Carol. You've already had more cards than you deserve so STOP looking).

She does an excellent job though, so I can't complain. Although she often leaves the house as dirty as when she finds it, so on reflection a BAD job.

Not including today (as good as over), only FIVE days left to Christmas. BRILLIANT!

Friday, December 15, 2006

I need overtly masculine clothes

Blog-a-log-a-pog! (I don't this this is working)

I had a terrible shock this morning. Last night was Thursday so I sent Herman into town for the late night shopping to pick up some essential Christmas presents. It turns out he "had no luck on the presents" but instead spent a lot of money on new clothes for himself.

This is selfish and even though I'm writing about it in my blog, this is not tantamount to me condoning it. Do NOT quote me saying I do. (It happens all the time).

The big shock this morning was when he wore his new clothes. He came into the kitchen wearing denim jeans which, although they've got an elasticated waist, are very TIGHT in a lot of bad places (hips, thighs, cr*tch, calves and ankles). Somehow they create more for the imagination than they leave.

He was also sporting a 'shirt' which he said was the smoothest he'd ever worn. I'm 100% CONVINCED that he's actually bought a blouse which Lulu has been modelling in the excellent new M&S adverts. I told him as much too and he refuted it LOUDLY. He also added that it felt silky against his skin and he planned to wear it a lot.

MY suspicion is that he wandered into the women's clothes section of Marks and Spencers and is now wearing an entire outfit of women's clothes. This never would have happened if:
a) I'd been there.
b) Herman paid more attention to the detail of advertising and wasn't just influenced like a sheep obeying orders from a television.

Employing what I call "future-concerning" (a mind technique for worrying about things which you think may happen but haven't yet), I've now got a BIG concern that Herman will DEFINITELY wear his shirt/blouse on Christmas day when we have company (both family and people).

My only solution so far has been for me to wear overtly masculine clothes so our guests assume that it's a gender-swap theme party which they weren't told about.

I can't see any flaws in the plan yet, but DEFINITELY let me know if you spot one. Worse case scenario = Herman gets angry then sullen; I get egg on my face = Christmas ruined.

No snow yet in Dorking but fingers crossed!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

What's Robbie Coltrane up to for Christmas?

I don't know but I want to know. I bet he's got the scoop on the new Harry Potter (or HP as fans call him) film.

Nearly there!

Ding dong
ding dong
ding dong

Brilliant! It's not long now. Here's a picture of a reindeer for eye sweets:

Recently I saw an advert for the film "The Santa Clause 3" which had the great tag line the fright before Christmas. This is a clever play on words similar to the Nightmare before Christmas. What else would work? Here's some ideas:

  • The Height before Christmas (growth spurt for an adolescent pre-Xmas)
  • The Bite before Christmas (shark or feral dog giving people nasty nips in the run-up to the festive season)
  • The Kite before Christmas (foreign 'arty' film which looks nice but is RUBBISH)
If anyone reading this wants to develop these ideas further, you can have them. Just credit me BIG in the titles.

Normally at this time of year, my husband comes in from his shed and puts a blanket over his ham radio equipment. Both of us find this hard going for different reasons. However, Herman has spent Nectar Points on a blow heater from Argos and I've barely seen him all month! He only comes in for food and then takes his plate out to the shed! I dread to think of the washing up potential.

I don't think he even slept inside the house last night. No complaints from me - ha ha! He snores like a pig in a FENCE and the cold weather aggravates his sinus condition.

Here's an idea: a stocking/tree connected to the internet via inline so whatever you buy comes straight through your phoneline. No need for the Royal Mail (rubbish on a good day - ha ha!). And you order it gift wrapped too.

After last year's disaster with Pat's eldest's present, I've bought him a 10-piece gift pack of talcum powder. The RoI is that this will not go off and rot (happened last year). I think he wants a white t-shirt and jeans combination like Simon Cowell but talc will keep giving, long after Cowell has had his day.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Five of the best - Xmas presents

Hello Gang!

I've had a LOT of people 'Ask(ing) Janet' about great ideas for Christmas presents so rather than reply to all the MANY emails I've been getting, I've consolidated my 'five of the best' here:

1) Talcum powder. I ALWAYS seem to be running out of talcum so any time I get given it for free is a God send. It's nicely scented, functional and has a good 'gifty' look to it. Good for anyone who likes to be really dry, not just towel dry.

2) Dundee cake*. It's a pet hate when people give me what I call 'clutter'. Hard objects which take up space in the home. Dundee cake is good because you eat it and it's gone. Job done. Good for anyone who likes heavy desserts and is 'space-poor'. Also good for bowels.

3) Anything big. It doesn't really matter what it is, as long as it's BIG. When you receive a BIG present all wrapped up, you feel like a million dollars! What is it? It's big! I'm going to open it and find out! Good for anyone who you'd describe as "style over substance" (the present itself is always disappointing after the impact of the BIG. Frankly, who cares).

4) A canal boat. I personally would love one and I can't think of anyone I know who would not like one. It also adheres to the third criteria above. They come in a range of different styles, but I bet we'd all want the 'classic' longboat style! Good for anyone with a yen to travel in a romantic and NOT a functional way. Bad for being over-run with rats, apparently (my husband has just walked into the room).

* Don't make the mistake I did. Last year I got an entire pallete load of Dundee cakes (approx 100 cakes) for £15 from a woman who works the checkouts at Tesco. I gave it to Pat's eldest and he ended up throwing most of it away in April. It rotted BADLY after being stored in his attic. Apparently it's caused some structural damage which I'm CERTAINLY not going to pay for, despite Pat's unsubtle hints.

Don't worry - she doesn't read my blog. I asked her

Thursday, December 07, 2006

More tinsel needed & my house is RED

I haven't been busy at all recently but I can tell you that mulled champagne is only partially good at BEST. Quite often it's cooled once it comes out of the Soda Stream and even then it's not very fizzy. Maybe I need some new gas or a carbonater that can really deliver in the hot wine department.

Further to David Jason ruining his career, apparently his new programme isn't even on ITV! That TV channel gets worse and won't listen to ANY lessons I tell it. Rubbish.

More importantly, I've really started to listen to Christmas songs properly now. I start putting on a few albums through November to bring my festive spirit up to speed, but now I listen to NOTHING ELSE.

I've also replaced most of our lightbulbs with red ones to increase festivities. Herman keeps saying it's getting him in the mood but not for Christmas. I don't understand and he WON'T explain, which is a pointless situation. He's been guffawing like an idiot about the conversations he's had 'on air' with other radio hams about how he lives in a house of fun.

Again, I agree but I don't think he agrees with what I'm agreeing about. I don't like radio hams talking about me, though. To my mind they're a bunch of luddite gossips, bound to a fading technology. Also, it's not downloadable like a podcast, which is the REAL issue.

We're having a dinner party this weekend so I'll need to go to the shops to get more tinsel. I think there's enough in the house for two people to look at, but we'll DEFINITELY need more if others will be looking. Too little is a clear indicator that someone hasn't made an effort.

I accidentally flushed a yard of blue tinsel down the toilet last year while decorating the pan. I WON'T do that again in a hurry!

Actually, I managed to pull it back out but it was unusable. I'd describe it as 'manky' if you want to picture it. Anyway, it's still in the decorations box but it's not coming out this year.

Last night I had a terrible dream that my boiler was broken. Pipes were coming loose from the immersion tank and water was going EVERYWHERE. Then I woke up and everything was alright. THEN I went back to sleep and dreamt I had a new boiler which worked perfectly and ALL the bad pipes were gone.

That's what I call a fast service! Ha ha!

I'll be interested to see if the internet stays on in between Christmas and New Year. I hope so - the TV looks rubbish!

One day, I predict that someone will write a guide like the Radio Times listing whats going on at the internet every week. Probably a magazine at first but then online (or even inline!)

This is my new word for whatever replaces online. I don't know how it will work but this is a GREAT name for it, so everyone adopt it now! Inline