There's a lot of amateurs blundering around in this area, but only TRUE pros are following my three-point plan to making GREAT adverts:
1. Find something wonderous or at least humerous on YouTube.
2. Steal it.
3. Make it original again by replicating the first thing BUT adding a brand message to the end.
At the moment these are LITERALLY the keys to the kingdom. Ignore them at your mild peril.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Mrs Belmot's Xmas Party!
EVERYONE is very excited about my Christmas party this year. In fact, there's so much interest that there won't be room at my house, so DON'T buy a ticket to Dorking. It's full.
I've used logic (look it up if you don't know what that is) to decide to hold my party in London this year.
There's a LOT to organise and I'm TOO important to do everything. That's why I need my loyal patriots to help with a few things.
I've used logic (look it up if you don't know what that is) to decide to hold my party in London this year.
There's a LOT to organise and I'm TOO important to do everything. That's why I need my loyal patriots to help with a few things.
If you want to take charge of an area, email me: iammrsbelmot AT yahoo DOT co DOT uk
Things which need arranging for the party:
Venue reservation
Things which need arranging for the party:
Venue reservation
An argument for everyone to have
Music
Party hats
Invitations (although it will be a massive free for all. It's not my house, so who cares)
Posters
Music
Party hats
Invitations (although it will be a massive free for all. It's not my house, so who cares)
Posters
Augmented reality
Games
Games
Have a whip-round so Knorks can fly in from Australia
I think we need a central London pub (or better) on Wednesday 2nd December.
I think we need a central London pub (or better) on Wednesday 2nd December.
If you don't want to help, then just save the date to come along and feel Christmas shame for not helping.
Christmas starts here.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
I'm down with the children
Everyone old knows that eating burgers is a lot of fun.
But are we doing enough to raise awareness of burger and chips as a FUN alternative to regular food for kids? NO chance. There's a very real possibility that kids are ignoring or avoiding YUMMY food.
And who's getting the finger of blame jabbed in its face for this MASSIVE failure? Advertising, that's who.
Strap in and brace for the impact - here comes the insight-solution.
McDonalds should rebrand as a children's catering company. My key strategy to achieving this is to ditch the nightmarish clown that's plagued their advertising for years. Instead they need to be "down with the children" and get a new brand spokesman. I give you MC Donald:
He's a blinged-out rapper, dropping funky rhymes and full of FLAVA (rap for flavour, which is appropriate in a restaurant context. Inappropriate elsewhere).
He's also got the head of Donald Sinden which gives him a commanding and clear voice with which to disseminate brand messages.
This idea is so hot you could griddle chicken on it, so I DEFINITELY want cash up front this time. I've already contacted Donald Sinden to make sure he doesn't "slag" me on the deal.
But are we doing enough to raise awareness of burger and chips as a FUN alternative to regular food for kids? NO chance. There's a very real possibility that kids are ignoring or avoiding YUMMY food.
And who's getting the finger of blame jabbed in its face for this MASSIVE failure? Advertising, that's who.
Strap in and brace for the impact - here comes the insight-solution.
McDonalds should rebrand as a children's catering company. My key strategy to achieving this is to ditch the nightmarish clown that's plagued their advertising for years. Instead they need to be "down with the children" and get a new brand spokesman. I give you MC Donald:
He's a blinged-out rapper, dropping funky rhymes and full of FLAVA (rap for flavour, which is appropriate in a restaurant context. Inappropriate elsewhere).
He's also got the head of Donald Sinden which gives him a commanding and clear voice with which to disseminate brand messages.
This idea is so hot you could griddle chicken on it, so I DEFINITELY want cash up front this time. I've already contacted Donald Sinden to make sure he doesn't "slag" me on the deal.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Protect yourself with social media
Hi gang! Blog-a-log-a-gog!
The media is mostly made up of hysterical stress-mongers convinced that the internet is rife with burglars scrutinising your every Facebook update to check whether your house is occupied or not.
This may well be the case.
However, only a stupid boot would tell the world things like "On holiday for 2 weeks. Valuables stuffed in all the toilet cisterns".
If you're still living in a state of panicked bewilderment, just follow my five point plan to using social media as a weapon against the thieving classes:
1. Make every status update "At home. Door double-locked. Alsatians loose in the yard. Guns loaded and within reach. Chief of Police popping round ANY MINUTE NOW"
2. Post up pictures of terrifying fortifications and imply that this is your house (see my picture above). This bungalow has been heavily fortified with TWO howitzers manned by British army soldiers. The grounds are patrolled by wolves and a hippo - I hear they can get well baity.
3. Create a game appp for the iPhone called 'Break Into My House' which shows anyone how to break into your house EXCEPT make the game impossible. Any potential vagabonds will be inflamed with despair and you can rake in the cash. Ha ha!
The media is mostly made up of hysterical stress-mongers convinced that the internet is rife with burglars scrutinising your every Facebook update to check whether your house is occupied or not.
This may well be the case.
However, only a stupid boot would tell the world things like "On holiday for 2 weeks. Valuables stuffed in all the toilet cisterns".
If you're still living in a state of panicked bewilderment, just follow my five point plan to using social media as a weapon against the thieving classes:
1. Make every status update "At home. Door double-locked. Alsatians loose in the yard. Guns loaded and within reach. Chief of Police popping round ANY MINUTE NOW"
2. Post up pictures of terrifying fortifications and imply that this is your house (see my picture above). This bungalow has been heavily fortified with TWO howitzers manned by British army soldiers. The grounds are patrolled by wolves and a hippo - I hear they can get well baity.
3. Create a game appp for the iPhone called 'Break Into My House' which shows anyone how to break into your house EXCEPT make the game impossible. Any potential vagabonds will be inflamed with despair and you can rake in the cash. Ha ha!
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
Have you got "it"?
Would you rate your singing ability as COMPENTENT?
Do you like to just ‘give things a go’ without thinking them through?
Has a member of your family recently died?
Maybe YOU’VE got the X-Factor!
Monday, August 17, 2009
Can old morons learn new tricks?
Following on from my recent innovations in branded-meat marketing (BMM), no-one has been beating my door down with cash to find out more.
This is understandable as few people (i.e. only me) can FULLY comprehend the significance that branded food has for the advertising industry.
Any place I see left unbranded (eg paving slabs, wardrobes, animals, the sea, etc.) brings a tear to my eye. When will our industry learn that we could be cramming marketing messages in front of people ALL the time? I predict another twelve years at least.
If they read this blog, you can reduce that figure to eight months (seven months for the KEY insights to sink in + a month to do something about it).
The lack of creativity in a supposedly 'creative' industry is staggering and could potentially reach flabberghasting levels unless these old morons can learn some new tricks.
This is understandable as few people (i.e. only me) can FULLY comprehend the significance that branded food has for the advertising industry.
Any place I see left unbranded (eg paving slabs, wardrobes, animals, the sea, etc.) brings a tear to my eye. When will our industry learn that we could be cramming marketing messages in front of people ALL the time? I predict another twelve years at least.
If they read this blog, you can reduce that figure to eight months (seven months for the KEY insights to sink in + a month to do something about it).
The lack of creativity in a supposedly 'creative' industry is staggering and could potentially reach flabberghasting levels unless these old morons can learn some new tricks.
Sunday, August 09, 2009
Witness the future of branded meat
Make frankfurters work for you NOW!
The picture should be self-explanatory, unless you're too thick to "get it". Basically it uses meat-writing technology to deliver a powerful brand message at the perfect moment.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Oscar Wilde gutter persuasion
To paraphrase Oscar Wilde, we're all in the gutter but some of us are persuading other gutter-people to buy things
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Mrs Belmot's guide to NOT killing the planet
The internet is costing us millions, and who's paying the bill PLUS service charge? The planet, that's who.
To make matters worse, the tip isn't optional like it can be everywhere except America. You've GOT to pay, like when you go to America or an American puts the guilt on you with their judgmental eyes in a British restaurant.
Here comes the maths. Keep up.
I keep my computer on ALL the time. What's the cost of this in electricity? No-one can say for sure, so let's say £5 of electricity a day.
Now let's multiply this by 1,596,270,108 which is the total number of internet users.
That's a whopping £7,981,350,540 - nearly eight BILLION pounds a day. The biggest number I've ever written. Whatever that means to the planet is anyone's guess. MY guess is that it's terrible news. It's giving me sweats. BAD sweats.
To make matters worse, this ISN'T factoring in the cost of running all the servers needed to keep the internet full of clutter, like your photos on Facebook, or day-to-day banality sharers such as Twitter or Facebook again.
Let's factor that amount in with a conservative highly-educated guesstimate: let's double the previous figure and add four billion to make a round TWENTY BILLION pounds of electricity a day to run the internet. No wonder the planet is cankerous.
Now let's apply the insight. Keep up again.
We might as well just pour poison onto soil while paying a fortune in electricity. This is NOT advice, it's a metaphor. Don't actually do this. I do NOT need a repeat of the 'Milork' leaflet fiasco. If we keep on internetting at this rate, I safely predict a global catastrophe before the Olympics in 2012.
What to do:
Delete everything you've ever put on the internet to reduce burden-strain on servers. Stop using banality-sharers more than once a month. Turn off the central heating and wear more clothes. Clean your house using wind rather than hoovers. Microwave jacket potatoes rather than ovenning them. Check this blog on an hourly basis for mandates.
Case closed.
File under environmental FACT-mongering.
P.B (post-blog - DO try to keep up)
Herman has been strutting around the house claiming he was "born to drive steel", whatever that means. This has all the hallmarks of a 'whopper'. He's been listening to too much Johnny Cash and wearing "that" shirt again.
To make matters worse, the tip isn't optional like it can be everywhere except America. You've GOT to pay, like when you go to America or an American puts the guilt on you with their judgmental eyes in a British restaurant.
Here comes the maths. Keep up.
I keep my computer on ALL the time. What's the cost of this in electricity? No-one can say for sure, so let's say £5 of electricity a day.
Now let's multiply this by 1,596,270,108 which is the total number of internet users.
That's a whopping £7,981,350,540 - nearly eight BILLION pounds a day. The biggest number I've ever written. Whatever that means to the planet is anyone's guess. MY guess is that it's terrible news. It's giving me sweats. BAD sweats.
To make matters worse, this ISN'T factoring in the cost of running all the servers needed to keep the internet full of clutter, like your photos on Facebook, or day-to-day banality sharers such as Twitter or Facebook again.
Let's factor that amount in with a conservative highly-educated guesstimate: let's double the previous figure and add four billion to make a round TWENTY BILLION pounds of electricity a day to run the internet. No wonder the planet is cankerous.
Now let's apply the insight. Keep up again.
We might as well just pour poison onto soil while paying a fortune in electricity. This is NOT advice, it's a metaphor. Don't actually do this. I do NOT need a repeat of the 'Milork' leaflet fiasco. If we keep on internetting at this rate, I safely predict a global catastrophe before the Olympics in 2012.
What to do:
Delete everything you've ever put on the internet to reduce burden-strain on servers. Stop using banality-sharers more than once a month. Turn off the central heating and wear more clothes. Clean your house using wind rather than hoovers. Microwave jacket potatoes rather than ovenning them. Check this blog on an hourly basis for mandates.
Case closed.
File under environmental FACT-mongering.
P.B (post-blog - DO try to keep up)
Herman has been strutting around the house claiming he was "born to drive steel", whatever that means. This has all the hallmarks of a 'whopper'. He's been listening to too much Johnny Cash and wearing "that" shirt again.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Mrs Belmot's shopping voucher
Shop staff can't be expected to keep up with current or even bygone internet trends (such as blogging and forums), so prey on their ignorance with Mrs Belmot's multi-purpose printable discount voucher:
The great boon is you can use it anywhere AND I've made it a socking great 75% off anything you want. DEFINITE takers include Budgens, River Island, WHSmith and Bennett's garden centre on the B2038. No-one is keen to accept it but they can't argue with the internet.
It's the kind of ROI which name brands can only envisage during fevered dreams or waking hallucinations.
The bacon is back.
The great boon is you can use it anywhere AND I've made it a socking great 75% off anything you want. DEFINITE takers include Budgens, River Island, WHSmith and Bennett's garden centre on the B2038. No-one is keen to accept it but they can't argue with the internet.
It's the kind of ROI which name brands can only envisage during fevered dreams or waking hallucinations.
The bacon is back.
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