Greece versus Scotland

My agency (house) admin is in a SHOCKING state at the moment.

Last year, my husband and me were invited to a christening (only better than weddings in that they finish BANG on time, EVERY time). The tragedy in this story is that Herman spilled creosote on the invite when he was redecorating the downstairs loo, and we can't read whether we're meant to be going to Falkirk or Faliraki.

Common sense comes down HARD on Falkirk as Angus and Marion live there, but Herman has always had a yen to go to Faliraki so he's booked us two tickets on a budget airline.

The Faliraki yen is a big boast on his part as he's NEVER mentioning it in his diary in the last 27 years - I've really done the research on this one.

This is part of a MUCH bigger trend of lying about lifelong desires which aren't included in 'The Herman Documents' (his title for the diaries, not mine). Last week he claimed he had ALWAYS wished he could be hit by lightning, but I'm convinced he was just saying this to impress a competitively macho plumber.

Conclusion = the christening present is likely to be Ouzo, which will be MASSIVELY inappropriate for an infant, regardless of where the Scots really live. It doesn't matter though as they ALWAYS send a card when a gift would be more appropriate.

Rapper abduction plot: FOILED

As I inwardly predicted but didn't tell anyone about, my husband's infatuation with the urban music scene has landed him in BIG trouble.

Since proclaiming himself a "superstar boss MC" of the UK garage/shed music scene, I've had a suspicion that he's fallen in with a bad crowd. This morning I caught him in the bathroom doing what you would charitably call 'rapping' (uncharitably, he was just talking into a ladle as if it was a microphone).

Don't get sidetracked on there being a ladle in the bathroom. It's not the main issue. It will be when I serve up the casserole tonight though. Note to self: wash it before serving.

Anyway, from my vantage point at the nail-cutting station (basin), I had an unwanted ringside seat as he rapped, "They tried to make me go to Riyadh, I said 'No, no, no'."

If you read the Daily Mail (my BIBLE) you'll know for facts that kidnapping and human trafficking are basically the ONLY thing the urban music scene does with any success (after making music). Because of this knowledge, I was NOT surprised to assume that other garage MCs have tried to abduct Herman and take him to Saudi Arabia.

Fortunately, my wits are 100% sharper than the So Solid Crew or Girls Aloud and the first thing I did was shred Herman's passport for safety. As an extra precaution, I mulched it and served it to him as muesli. Ha ha! Try making him go to Riyadh NOW, 50 Sent. I'LL be the one saying "No. No. No."

Ha ha! I've got the last laugh!

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Actually, given Herman's notorious "bowel history", there will be NO laughs for anyone until the passport has gone through "departures".

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For more eye sweets, here's an artist's impression (not mine) of Girls Aloud abducting another easily-led simpleton:

My husband has grown a marrow in the advertising industry

I don't understand how it happened but my husband has become the most effective form of supermarket advertising.

Recently, I've been caught in the crossfire of warring milk adverts for Asda and Tesco but neither has managed to get a clean shot at the milk-buying bullseye in my brain = not influenced to buy milk.

Then, in a revelation which has made me feel ill, Herman delivered the bacon with a simple campaign consisting of telling me that we needed to buy milk. Result = I bought more milk.

I know we ALL get sick to our stomachs when amateurs blunder into our allotment (industry), trample on the veg (have an idea), then grow a big marrow (do something that works). This literally happened in the early 90s, which made me feel queasy. I stopped being "into" veg shortly afterwards.

Anyway, taking Herman's dunce-savant baton and running with it, here's a train of thought which is STOKED with fuel and has plenty more coal left to burn:

1. Do away with any kind of advertising which could be described as 'softly, softly', 'brand building' or 'tedious'.

2. Instead, just show the product BIG and get a persuasive celebrity to do a voiceover saying "You've run out of Flash bathroom cleaner" or "You need TWO washing machines".

Everyone will feel like you're talking DIRECTLY at them (great targeting) and, if they HAVE run out of any products, they'll be running to the shops like tramps after garden veg.

Also, metaphors are 'in' right now, so try using some in conversation once in while. Don't over egg the pudding though - they haven't got big legs.

Steven Spielberg DOES trump Angelina Jolie

Today is JUST news and no waffle, in-line with best internet tidy practices.

Ha ha! If I owned a pub it would be "inn-keeping" rather than in-line. Ha ha ha! That's a great joke! I will DEFINITELY use that a lot this week.

NEWS: I now have two Blogs!
The mountain (advertising industry) has FINALLY come to the prophet (me) and wangled an exclusive blog (still nothing else left in the analogy) out of me (the prophet). I'm now the leading columnist at Brand Republic. Scoop!

NEWS: The car spa has been VETOED
My husband has decreed that filling the footwells of our car with warm water will NEVER happen in his lifetime. I've put MONTHS into the thinking on this initiative so it's a serious knock to my confidence. You'd basically be driving a foot-spa around town.

SOME people are too short-sighted to recognise the gross benefits of this kind of forward thinking and will NOT be having lasagne followed by apple pie for dinner, despite nearly a week of unsubtle hints.

I might petition the government as I've literally got a hunch it could SLASH road-rage in half (at LEAST) due to it's calming properties.

All you need is petrol stations to have warm water pumps. You'd pay extra for 'Premium' (scented) and less for Diesel (greywater). The foot-towel industry would also feel the rewards.

Until then, it will DEFINITELY be breaded liver burgers for dinner.

NEWS: Only having ITV is as good as having NO TV
The 3 button has stuck down on the television remote control so there is literally NOTHING worth watching in our house. To combat the un-ending boredom, I've created my own Hollywood Top Trumps (or Top Janets) using paper and a biro.

NEWS: Bad loser
Herman has been in a foul mood ever since because he hasn't won a single game. He's just eating 'sour grapes' because he claimed "Angry Steven Spielberg" was NOT a valid Trump after losing "Angelina Jolie playing a Tuba".

He finds her attractive and refuses to admit it, even in his sleep. He just mumbles "Very believable performances" and turns over.

Olympics logo: rotten to the CORE

Sport news = whoever came up with the London 2012 Olympics logo must have two eye-patches on. Literally, an animal will tell you it's rotten to the core. The only silver lining is it makes we want to eat Shreddies, which I haven't touched since the 80s.

We've had nothing but Bran Flakes for the last 20 years to "iron out" Herman's bowels. If you're interested, it hasn't worked and it's monotonous.

More importantly, I've given the logo a HOT re-design utilising the visual AND marketing regions of my brain. YOU can vote with your feet and see which is best. Mine is the bottom one.

Hot pantomime news!

At best my script for 2001: A Space Pantomime could be described as 'in production'. If I was pushed, I'd describe it as 'on the scrap heap'. The best idea I've had so far was for Aladdin to have a space suit with curly-toe slippers and that will NOT sustain a 4-hour panto on its own.

More importantly, the football season is REALLY kicking in now. Ha ha! That's APPROPRIATE use of language (AUoL). I've a hunch that a LOT of Premiership football managers read my blog so they can pay attention to this:

If you can train dogs to do things when you whistle, you can eventually train footballers to "play ball" too (AUoL). Using subliminal mind-learn techniques, such as hypno-therapy and shouting, teach them to lie down in advertising formations whenever they hear a whistle blow. Here's an example:

Argos will have to pay through the NOSE for this kind of sport stunt. I've already invoiced them for the inclusion here.

My husband says that you will DEFINITELY lose games and respect if players lie down at every whistle-blow, but his opinion isn't worth PENCE anyway. He can't stop laughing at the two players forming the G in Argos. Being able to herd football players like sheep will earn you BIG kudos and the plaudits will come in when the time is right.

I WISH he would stop laughing about the G. It's like living with Ken Dodd.