My husband has grown a marrow in the advertising industry

I don't understand how it happened but my husband has become the most effective form of supermarket advertising.

Recently, I've been caught in the crossfire of warring milk adverts for Asda and Tesco but neither has managed to get a clean shot at the milk-buying bullseye in my brain = not influenced to buy milk.

Then, in a revelation which has made me feel ill, Herman delivered the bacon with a simple campaign consisting of telling me that we needed to buy milk. Result = I bought more milk.

I know we ALL get sick to our stomachs when amateurs blunder into our allotment (industry), trample on the veg (have an idea), then grow a big marrow (do something that works). This literally happened in the early 90s, which made me feel queasy. I stopped being "into" veg shortly afterwards.

Anyway, taking Herman's dunce-savant baton and running with it, here's a train of thought which is STOKED with fuel and has plenty more coal left to burn:

1. Do away with any kind of advertising which could be described as 'softly, softly', 'brand building' or 'tedious'.

2. Instead, just show the product BIG and get a persuasive celebrity to do a voiceover saying "You've run out of Flash bathroom cleaner" or "You need TWO washing machines".

Everyone will feel like you're talking DIRECTLY at them (great targeting) and, if they HAVE run out of any products, they'll be running to the shops like tramps after garden veg.

Also, metaphors are 'in' right now, so try using some in conversation once in while. Don't over egg the pudding though - they haven't got big legs.