Thursday, May 31, 2007

Something rotten for BIG cash = coffee + bacon

Smell my coffee: it's "in vogue" to offer someone exactly £100,000 to do something rotten.

Big Brother gives you cash for eating nothing but rice and cider for MONTHS, and The Apprentice gives it to you for agreeing to work in Essex for a year.

You can get on board NOW and come up with your own programme before it goes "bandwagon up" by using the following chain of logic-think:

  • What rubbish job would you have to pay me HARD cash to do (NOT including working at Amstrad - already taken)?
  • Are there enough idiots willing to do it for free anyway (usually there are about 2 million)?
  • Can I point a camera at it?

If you can answer ALL of these questions truthfully, you've got yourself a WINNER and will soon have to pay an imbecile £100,000 of your savings. The ROI is the MASSIVE feeling of superiority.

Now've you FINALLY woken up and smelled my coffee, you'll DEFINITELY want to know who's delivering the bacon. Learn from this:

My own idea is to get 28 people to stage a pantomime of '2001: A Space Odyssey'. It's set at Christmas and every week someone gets voted off and told they are RUBBISH. The final week will see the winner stage the panto AND play all the parts. They will also have to operate the lighting and do the ushering.

The final prodyction will be abysmal but the ticket sales will already be through the roof (there's the bacon), so that doesn't matter. Also, the reviews in the papers will tell the 'winner' that they are RUBBISH too, which is really what the public wants.

Anyway, I'm quite excited as I LOVE a good panto and I'm DETERMINED that it will make sense of an over-rated and baffling piece of 60s hippy gobbledygook.

Herman still hasn't replaced the gripper rods poking through our carpets but I will NOT pay him £100,000 to do this, despite unsubtle hints and it 100% being a rotten job. It's LITERALLY his funeral as well as mine though - our feet are bearing the brunt of a matrimonial DIY stand-off and we're DEAD out of plasters.

Thank you to EVERYONE who emailed me with messages of support for getting over my cold. They did NOT help but the thought demonstrated good manners which is a LOT more useful, in many ways.

No-one else bother though, my inbox is full of rubbish like this from well-wishers. I just delete the lot.

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