Tuesday, May 29, 2007

My illness is OFFICIALLY rated as 'stinker'

The HOT news in advertising at the moment is that I've had a cold for the last five days. If you were to grade it using the standard Belmot Illness Scale (BIS) from 'sniffles' to 'loss of life', it would DEFINITELY rate as 'stinker'.



If you've got SHARP eyes, you'll notice that the diagnosis briefly became 'malevolent'. This happened when I stubbed my toe and EVERYTHING felt bad for three minutes and seven seconds. I had the foresight to time it with my stopwatch.


Herman refused to sleep in the 'contagion ward' (our bedroom) and decided to sleep in a fort under the dining table using cushions from the sofa and two table-cloths. He's been there since last Friday and is having the time of his life. I literally DREAD to think about the state of the cushion covers. They'll have been on the floor and "all sorts".

Anyway, it's not appropriate for a man of his age but, every time I try to tell him this, he rings a hand bell and moans "Unclean". The last few times he's also put washing up gloves on and tied a tea-towel over his mouth while pointing at me.

The tea-towel is FILTHY so the last laugh may be on me. We don't know yet. History will have to resolve this one (again).

Other Belmot scales you can buy for BIG money include:
  • Belmot Hunger Scale ('peckish' to 'insatiable beyond all comprehension')
  • Belmot Walking Speed Scale ('stopped' to 'unreasonably quick')
  • Belmot Visitor Scale ('grudgingly welcome' to 'offensive intrustion')
  • Belmot Height Scale ('small' to '10')

To the untrained idiot these scales have NO value at all, but I can 100% GUARANTEE that most business would benefit from using defined gradings such as these. For example, I ALWAYS tell every visitor what their BVS rating was when they leave.

They also receive a computer print-out of food consumed during their stay, electricity used and an above-average-guess at how much water they 'used' in the bathroom.

It's stats like these that will DEFINITELY set you above the common herd. Be the BEST you can be with a Belmot Scale.

It will DEFINITELY cost you £20 for a set.

1 comment:

Will said...

Janet, get well soon. You're missed