Do NOT alarm your GP with Snouty Pig Rot

Stop press and START blog!

The good news is that offal consumption in Dorking has gone through the roof as a DIRECT result of my advertising campaign. This is NOT true of Dorking as a whole, but is DEFINITELY true of my house which is a representative sample which is IN Dorking.

If you multiply the results of my literally in-house survey by a million, I can say with confidence that the WHOLE of Dorking has eaten offal for every meal for the last five days. I don't see Saatchi & Saatchi churning out that kind of quality day after day. FACT.

If someone bothered to run an award ceremony for people who made EFFECTIVE rather than RUBBISH advertising, I'd be at the top of the tree collecting a big medal.

Hint: someone set up a ceremony and I'll win it for you.

Anyway, the bad news is that there's been some "fallout". The butcher groans and smacks his head when I walk in now. He must be making a fortune off me so he can shut up, though. My fridge is LITERALLY elbow-to-elbow with non-choice cuts of un-prime meat.

If you look in there, it's like feeding time at the petting zoo, except EATING the animals rather than feeding them oats.

I must buy oats.

Herman has been voicing concerns about getting a "spongey-cow-brain like he got in the 90s" but he hasn't done the maths as most of our offal is from pigs. If anything, he'll get snouty-pig-rot.

This may not exist, so don't alarm your GP by asking for it just yet. You may have to bide your time.

On the menu for tonight we've got:

• Liver and kidney cocktail for starters (like a prawn cocktail with lettuce and salad cream, not a boozey drink)
• Boiled 'farmyard delight' for main course (just hooves and heads - nothing like Angel Delight)
• Tripe sorbet for pudding. It tastes better than it looks. It's what I'd describe as an 'effluent' brown colour and doesn't freeze very well.

We've also been DRINKING liver and kidney cocktails, which are blended offal mixed with lashings of advocaat. It's summery AND packed with protein. I call it a 'Belmot Barnyard Bracer' as it delivers a WHACKING squeeze to your heart and lungs when you drink it and it's full of animal vitamins, such as pig and chicken.

If you drink it in the morning, it becomes a "smoothie". I DON'T know why.