Friday, October 23, 2009

Protect yourself with social media

Hi gang! Blog-a-log-a-gog!

The media is mostly made up of hysterical stress-mongers convinced that the internet is rife with burglars scrutinising your every Facebook update to check whether your house is occupied or not.

This may well be the case.

However, only a stupid boot would tell the world things like "On holiday for 2 weeks. Valuables stuffed in all the toilet cisterns".

If you're still living in a state of panicked bewilderment, just follow my five point plan to using social media as a weapon against the thieving classes:

1. Make every status update "At home. Door double-locked. Alsatians loose in the yard. Guns loaded and within reach. Chief of Police popping round ANY MINUTE NOW"

2. Post up pictures of terrifying fortifications and imply that this is your house (see my picture above). This bungalow has been heavily fortified with TWO howitzers manned by British army soldiers. The grounds are patrolled by wolves and a hippo - I hear they can get well baity.

3. Create a game appp for the iPhone called 'Break Into My House' which shows anyone how to break into your house EXCEPT make the game impossible. Any potential vagabonds will be inflamed with despair and you can rake in the cash. Ha ha!

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