The car is NOT macabre, the club is VIOLENT

If you could see my eyes right now (which literally I hope you CAN'T) you would realise that I've barely slept a WINK and need more 'kip'. They're LITERALLY as red as lobsters.

Through a combination of GREAT advertising and overwhelming cowardice, I had to stay up ALL night comforting my husband and reading appropriate passages from the bible.

Herman got into the car last night to go to Budgens for more gravy granules and, through a combination of his damp clothes and the cold weather, the windscreen immediately steamed up. As planned, the steam revealed my cutting-edge advert for 'shammy' leather on the screen.

Unfortunately, Herman saw his name being written on the glass by an unseen hand and illogically assumed it was the work of malign AND macabre spirits from the astral plains. He ran screaming into the house and put his head under the bed covers. The maths WASN'T done on this as it's VERY unlikely that macabre spirits would tell anyone to clean their car using name brand cleaners.

OPPORTUNITY: Whoever cracks 'macabre advertising' like this will create a DEFINITE niche in the market and that's a GUARANTEE.

Anyway, upshot = muggins here had to:

• turn off the car engine (good for the environment)
• close the front door (good for the heating bills)
• placate Herman's distraught mind with relaxing readings from Exodus (his favourite section, NOT mine) until he fell asleep at 9.45am this morning

He's refusing to go any further than the upstairs landing until our Turkish minister/decorator comes back and performs ANOTHER exorcism on the car. Personally, I think Cillit Bang will literally do the same job for half the price, but anything which stops Herman shaking and wailing like a baby in an earthquake is a silver lining.

The whole thing has meant that I've had to put my 'new business' activities on hold again. I'm doing a LOT of strategy planning into how to revitalise a rubbish nightclub in town. It's always in the papers with allegations of loud music and drunk 'nightclubbers' causing alcohol-fuelled violence on the streets. A civic disgrace.

My plan is to develop a leaflet campaign to REALLY get the punters through the doors. At least double current figures, at a conservative estimate. If it works, I'll just invoice the club owner BIG-time for the revenue I've created. I need the cash.

He hasn't asked me to do this but he won't complain when he literally sees the bacon coming through the door.