Dorking clubbers = moths to my Rubik's Cube

I've been doing some TOP-LEVEL planning in the last few days to really dig into the key insights of what drives people into my local nightclub (Reflexions). The establishment is a much-hated disgrace in the area so this is the PERFECT time for a re-brand.

I haven't done any research in 'the field' but I've literally got a hunch that people go to nightclubs to drink booze and release violent emotions.

Using my brain (sharp as a KNIFE), I turned these key insights into a creative execution leaflet (printed on Post-It notes):

Ha ha! It's BRILLIANT, isn't it? It appeals to the thirst for booze AND the violent temperament of the average 'clubgoer'. But the REAL bacon delivery system is the MYSTERY element of the 'secret'. What is it? Do YOU know? Can YOU work it out? Unlikely.

There is NO secret, but beer-fuelled proles won't care. That brand of imbecile will be unstoppably attracted against their will to seek out the conundrum, like moths to a Rubik's cube.

The proof of THIS pudding can be seen in the popularity of the Da Vinci Code. Complete RUBBISH and intriguing. The film was a 'popcorn' smash too.

Once I've doubled the intake of vomiting dance enthusiasts, I'll be able to invoice the club owner (whoever that is) BIG time. He can't argue with the tills, so I'll just ask to see his takings to prove my case. Leaflets + effectiveness = remuneration. Case closed!

In case students go clubbing (literally no-one knows if they do), I've also created a Gilbert & George version. Apparently they're bacon deliverers too.

It's arty but witless, like the OVERWHELMING majority of students and Gilbert & George's cannon. Booom! Ha ha!

I'm trying to persuade Herman to do some 'field' research at the club tonight, but he's refusing to miss Holby City. He has a good but LAZY point, as usual.