Friday, March 09, 2007

The damp is inexpressibly macabre


The level of occult activity in my house is now UNBEARABLE.

Last night my husband said he heard a disembodied voice last night, which is rich coming from an amateur radio enthusiast. He should be used to THAT level of paranormal activity, the stupid coward.
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I also put a damp towel on the bathroom radiator yesterday morning and it was STILL damp in the evening. I don't know if this is a direct result of occult activity or not (I'm NOT an expert in this field, despite popular opinion saying otherwise) but it's DEFINITELY not a normal dampness. It has a macabre aura to it which fills me with a sinking despair.
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If I've become the victim of satanic practices, I will NOT be impressed. At best I will be astonished, but in an irritated way.
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Herman continues to look unnaturally healthy (glowing with rude health, in fact) while his portrait has moldered beyond recognition. The hoover is CONSTANTLY out to clear up the blistered paint all over the dining room carpet. Vooooom!
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I really need to call a priest to sort this out. If you have any recommendations on which denomination is toughest on Satan, let me know quickly and I'll give them a go. Ideally a Polish faith which works harder and is cheaper than English workmen/curates.
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To make matters worse, I saw a letter from the National Gallery in the post this morning. I would LITERALLY die of embarrassment if they exhibited Herman's portrait as it is. Potentially letting 'Old Nick' loose in central London would be a BAD move too, for many people.
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Old Nick and Saint Nick. Isn't one of them Santa Clause? Santa is an anagram of Satan = two similarities. They both wear RED = three similarities. That's one too many for me.
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On the plus side, it's reminded me that I need a LOT more ketchup and Bovril. We're having people to dinner tomorrow and I'm making my infamous bolognaise. It's 100% beefier and 30% more tomatoey than the average rubbish you'll have been eating. That's a GUARANTEE.
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Mama mia! Ha ha ha!

1 comment:

FishNChimps said...

Santa became Satan when Coca-Cola (the teeth- and stomach-rotting juice of Beelzebub's teats) dressed him in red.
I'd recommend a Greek Orthodox priest. It's the Greek clergy who are behind the current YouTube wars with Turkey. An exorcism might diminish the international mischief factor by a small amount.