The HOT news is that my fence is RUINED.
Herman has spent the weekend 'painting' a self portrait of himself as part of his plan to "distill his essence" so future generations would know what kind of a man he was. His first act was to remove one of our fence panels so he had something to paint onto, so a FOOL is the answer to that.
Anyway, the whole thing is a tissue of LIES told in Dulux 'daffodil white' (basically magnolia) and NOTHING like the truth of his essence. He's painted himself as a 'great white hunter' in Africa standing on top of a HEAP of dead lions and tigers with a shotgun in his hand.
For NO reason at all, there's also a pair of what look like popes but are apparently nuns sitting in a carriage behind him while a hyena looks hungrily at Herman from behind a scrubby tree. Idiotic.
Here's my "artist's impression" of it (actually just as good as the real thing but I can't find the camera to take a photo of it in it's STUPID glory):
I DREAD to think what anyone will think the next time we have a dinner party. The real thing is literally as big as a fence panel and the faces of the popes/nuns follow you around the house wherever you go. Creepy.
I've spent ALL day hiding the address of the National Gallery from Herman so he doesn't post the fence off and create even more negative attention for me (the last thing I need).
.
Anyway, the REAL issue is that Herman won't even go into to the DIY shop to buy proper paint because of his fear of the teenage shop assistants, so there's NO chance of him ever hunting animals on another continent, now or in the past. Case closed.
.
That said, he's got a point. The staff in our local shop have cadaverous faces and follow you unspeaking around the aisles. Creepy, like the pope.
If anyone reading this does the advertising for Homebase, you should DEFINITELY make this your core brand message: "our staff do NOT have cadaverous faces".
If this is true you will bring home the ROI bacon 100%. Check your staff faces first though, the government has gone BANANAS for advertising clamping lately and will RUIN your business if they think you're lying.
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