Thursday, March 15, 2007

I'll clean this land with GENETICS

Witness the animal kingdom future of litter-collection !

The government's recent decision to keep the South East of England defended with deadly nuclear capabilities set me thinking about the problem of there being TOO much chewing gum on the streets.

Mr 'brain-jerk' reaction to ANY problem is to find a futuristic solution, and the abomination of nature that you behold now is the planet's ONLY hope. It's basically a mongrel dog but with a 'scrapey' nose and it ONLY eats chewing gum or the dead carcasses of other 'scrapey' dogs. Clever, eh? I can't see a single flaw in this genetic design.

It looks hideous and would terrify you beyond the limits of sanity the first time you saw one maruading at breakneck speeds through the street (I've designed it with a top speed of 85mph for efficiency), but you'd soon feel the ROI in having no gum on the pavement.

The only alternatives are:
1) Resurface EVERWHERE with grey polka-dot paving slabs so the gum 'blends in'. HIGHLY attractive but not practical - the council would whinge like infants if you so much as suggested it.

2) Only sell green chewing gum and actively encourage EVERYONE to spit it onto the roads. This would eventually replace the unsightly tarmac with lush, green highways:

I'd DEFINITELY call it either 'The Green, Green Gum of Home' or 'England's Green and Pleasant Gum' (patriotic).

Do NOT email me asking for gum OR a 'scrapey' dog. I currently have neither but I can GUARANTEE that this will not deter enthusiastic idiots who've only skimmed the text and not 'skleaned' it.

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