Herman no longer employs his slippers

Herman's Dungeons & Dragons phase is back as strong as it ever was in the 80s, but it has now mutated like a science fiction virus into something terrible to behold.

He's a BIG fan of rude but constructive TV critics (Alan Sugar, Simon Cowell, Sarah Beeney, Gordon Ramsay, Judy Finnegan - the list goes on) so NOW I have to put up with comments like "That casserole was delivered punctually at 6.30pm but it's lack of man-flesh would NOT impress the Dark Lord of Baradur. You're fired, by Morigwyn!"

The man's an imbecile.

Since the new series of The Apprentice started, he's been telling EVERYONE that they're fired. He said it to his slippers last night when he slipped on the kitchen lino. We also haven't had any milk for two weeks after the milkman didn't 'get the joke'.

Anyway, the sliver lining is that I've created a TOTALLY new form of advertising (hands off claiming it was yours if you're about to do this). Instead of trying to build a brand (basically a waste of EVERYONE's time), just talk to the consumer in rude but constructive terms, treating them like they are a low-watt bulb. Here's some GREAT examples which are 'on the house':

"You're an unsightly fatty. ONLY buy food which has the word diet in front of it, then eat it for ONCE in your life" - Sainsburys

"Your appearance is PAINFUL to look at. Stay in your house more" - Foxtons Estate Agents

"Your cooking is amateur and an embarrassment for your whole family. Buy our high-price ready meals and give the kids our sandwiches to take to school" - M&S

"Everything you do clothes you in the robes of SHAME, so move away from here fast" Eddie Stobart Transport Logistics

.

"You are a dunderhead of the first water" - Open University

.

Combine this with some banner adverts on the internet and you've got a POWERFUL brand message and that's a set-in-stone-100%-guarantee.

Mrs Belmot's Treasure Hunt

Ha ha! There's NO work today, so if you came here to learn anything you are DEFINITELY out of luck. Or are you?

You don't know what I'm talking about because I haven't told you yet, so here it comes. I've invented the most FABULOUS adventure game which uses both the internet (making it cutting edge) and advertising (making it good).

Here's the rules:

1) The object of the game is to try to discover treasure in the form of adverts I've hidden around my blog.

2) When you dig up treasure (find an advert), click on it and you'll go 'up a ladder' to a NEW website. Great exploring AND learning fun!

3) Immediately 'go down a snake' by coming back to my blog and repeating from step 1.

There is NO limit to the amount of times you can dig up the same treasure, so KEEP doing it. This is guranteed BIG fun for all ages, no questions asked. As a hint to get you started, the treasure is all hidden in a column on the right-hand side of the page. Don't bother with any other links - they're literally red herrings.

.

On an unrelated note, I REALLY need to knuckle down to some 'new business' work - I need the money and that's all there is to it.

The WORST eight minutes of my life

I had the worst 8 minutes of my life yesterday evening, standing outside Herman's shed and listening in on him whilst he drivelled to other radio hams "on air". He's my husband so this activity is NOT against the law. Kindly do NOT try selling any kind of muck raking story to the police or the Dorking Advertiser.

"My stamina is 8", he said, "And my double-handed axe is wielded with skill factor of 43"

Then there was more drivel from someone on the other end and Herman said "I'm running through a dank tunnel in pursuit of a horde of goblins. My torch is sputtering. Roll the dice to see if I catch them".

It went on for ages and I was bored witless to the back teeth. The whole thing bodes BAD news for me. The last time Herman went through a Dungeons & Dragons phase, he grew a scrubby beard and wore a salad bowl on his head as a helmet "like a proper dwarf king" every day until it rans its course.

I would rank it as one of the most monotonous 14-month periods of my life.

It was also highly embarrassing and we got FILTHY looks when he told staff at the Asda deli counter for "I am weary from long travels and need 2 loaves of lembas bread, by Moradin!".

The woman on the counter was terrified by his 'mock-dwarvish' appearance and mortally confused by his order. She spent a LONG time trying to find some elf-bread and finally came back with 2 chicken satay sticks. By this time the queue was furious.

He also drew a blank 'seeking' an amulet in the 'Clothes by George' section.

Anyway, I put the hose pipe through the shed window and turned it on FULL, which flushed him out good and proper.

No response from Bloomsbury Publishing about the greatest innovation in advertising for the last twenty years, which was MY idea. The most like solution is they've locked JK Rowling in her barn to re-write the next book CHOCK full of advert placements. If Rowling is reading this (quite likely), this one is on the house:

"Dumbledore laced up his Nike Air Equalon trainers using MAGIC. Pow! Their dual-density midsole gave him extra stability and cost £90, although he could have DEFINITELY got them cheaper on the internet. Laughing darkly, he RAN down the road after Voldemort and easily caught him as 'Volders' was only wearing Dunlop Green Flash. Basically fashionable but RUBBISH for road work.

Even at this distance from Hogwarts, they could STILL hear Snape bellowing 'There's 40% off at Thresher', which made them both think of booze."

I can't fathom why, but I REALLY want some chicken satay sticks.

Alan Sugar's guilty secret

Look at this picture of Pootle Flump (on the left) and SIR Alan Sugar. They're practically separated at birth but had the same mother. If you mostly close your eyes, you will NOT be able to tell them apart. The fact he has NEVER publicly admitted to this PROVES that it must be his guilty secret.

Stick a pair of arms on the side of Sugar's head and he could walk STRAIGHT into the Flump household and sit down for dinner (bold as brass) without anyone batting a flumpy eyelid.

It would NOT suprise me if he did this - the man has the manners of a goat. If he hired me, I'd fire myself after arranging a SUBSTANTIAL redundancy package. Also, he would DEFINITELY turn Grandfather Flump's vegetable patch into a budget computer factory. That's a DEAD cert. Get off the veg, Sugar!

If one of the Flumps called him Alan (or even Ally) rather than SIR Alan, I have a hunch he would kick them around the garden like a pom-pom. Disgraceful. It's REALLY put me off watching The Apprentice - the man's a lout.

I wonder who's going to win THIS series? I'm hooked!

Herman FINALLY came out of the shed yesterday evening with a LOVELY tan and looking refreshed, so I've ALSO got a hunch that he's moved a sunbed in there.

The ball is on FIRE

The ball is DEFINITELY rolling and is literally on FIRE in terms of my completely new idea to put advertising in Harry Potter. I wrote to Bloomsbury publishing yesterday:

"I was wondering if it would be possible for product placement to appear in the next Harry Potter book? No one else has ever done anything like this so it would be a FIRST for both Bloomsbury and JK Rowling, which would create great PR for everyone.

I'm not a writer but I imagine it would be along the lines of:

"Hagid picked himself up off the ground and lumbered over to his iMac. Quickly logging on to Amazon.com, he managed to order ALL the books Hogwarts needed before the other teachers realised they were missing. They would arrive in a few days time if he chose express delivery".

I don't know if this will fit in with the new storyline. If we're too late to get the ball rolling for the next book, maybe we could have something in place in time for the following one?"

The heat from this idea is UNBEARABLY hot but I've had no reply yet. If it comes down to it, I may just print off hundred off extra 'pages' and insert them into the new HP book when it comes out. The staff at WHSmiths won't like this, but they won't have the wherewithall to do ANYTHING about it. That's just the power of advertising.

I haven't seen Herman for well over a week now, so I imagine the smell in the shed will be atrocious. I wouldn't have thought that radio hams had so much to talk about. They're NOT interesting people, as a rule.

It's also very mysterious because I received a postcard this morning from Penarth which just said "Wish you were here. Where are you?" in Herman's handwriting AND signed by him.

I'm assuming he's playing 'silly buggers' because the whole thing makes NO sense from start to finish. I hope it has nothing to do with Friday 13th - I've had a MOUTHFULL of malign spirits already this year, and it's only April!

Do NOT check in toy stores for a game called 'Silly Buggers' - you can't buy it. Also don't try faxing Waddingtons - you won't get anywhere. I never received a straight reply despite repeated faxing.

Advertising opportunity of the YEAR

Stop what you're doing RIGHT now. The advertising opportunity of the YEAR is about to happen soon, so EVERYONE should get on board now before it becomes a bandwagon and we all have to get off it again. As usual, do NOT blame me if your tardiness robes you in the rags of shame.

I'm talking about the latest Harry Potter book "The Deathly Hallows". JK Rowling has FINALLY got around to doing something. This means that NOW is the perfect time to buy up 'Product Placement Paragraphs' (PPP). You won't have heard of this before because I invented it yesterday. Do NOT credit yourself with this idea if you're trying to impress any bosses. I can GUARANTEE that they will have already read my blog and know it's a 'Belmot Brainer'.

Basically it involves asking JK Rowling to put your product into the next book. If she says "yes", then stand by to receive the bacon BIG time.

Here's a GREAT example of how you could leverage the power of Harry Potter to REALLY shift units:

"Voldemort laughed darkly and drank BIG gulps of Coca Cola Zero. It tasted RUBBISH but he didn't care (it wasn't important to him). What REALLY mattered was that he was going to finally kill Harry Potter and his sugar intake was LOW. His teeth were a disgrace, but he probably didn't care about that either, so he drank another pint of Coca Cola Zero. It still tasted rubbish with an appalling television advert."

Ha ha! Isn't that brilliant? Witness the mind-persuasion power of the latest MUST-have form of advertising. Here's another for you:

"Harry laughed darkly while texting a filthy joke to Dumbledore on his Nokia 5300. It was trendy and stored up to 1,500 MP3 files, which was a BONUS on top of it's simple user interface and bulky design. Hermione thought that Harry looked smart but average dressed head to toe in Gap clothing, but she ALSO knew he would be comfortable and not spent too much for his wardrobe.

'It's about time you replaced that RUBBISH ringtone you've got,' said Ron wincing at the foul taste of Coca Cola Zero in his ginger mouth, 'Have you tried Jamster? It's the tops for tones'.

Just then, Snape ran in bellowing 'There's 40% off at Thresher!' which was INAPPROPRIATE in front of children."

It's THAT simple.

If you want to take advantage of PPP, do NOT email Harry Potter paragraphs (HPP) to me as I am NOT an OFFICIAL script advisor to Rowling, just a helpful amateur. Any use of PPP will require a royalty of up to 50% back to me though. It's just The Law.

Herman missing; presumed in shed

Well, the votes are in and the world has LITERALLY voted with it's feet this time.

Conclusions:

EVERYONE (75%) wants to buy a chocolate bar called 'Belmot's Massive Co-Co Thump' as big as one of their legs.

.

The VAST majority of people (15%) think my advice is excellent, regardless of their own personal consumer issues.

.

No-one (0%) wants JK Rowling to do a 360-degree U-turn and start writing Harry Potter as a ginger character. Pay attention for ONCE, Rowling!

.

If you multiply these figures all by two million, that's consumer insight you CAN'T afford to ignore. Basically, it's the whole of Britain.

.

If you're planning on having a vending machine installed in your hall or bedroom, make sure you've future-proofed it so it can dispense chocolate up to two feet in length. I will NOT take the blame if you haven't done 'the maths'.

.

I haven't seen my husband for a few days now, possibly up to a week, so I'm assuming that there will be a LOT of unwashed plates in the shed. If anyone reading this is a radio ham, can you broadcast Herman and tell him to bring his washing-up OUT of the shed when he's done. I do NOT want to think about the state of his clothes. A rinse cycle won't be enough and that's a GUARANTEE.

My definitive GREAT advertising guide

There’s recently been MORE rubbish than usual written on the internet (not tidy at all) about how to make GREAT advertising. This, PLUS dealing with the CONSTANT stream of advice requests I get, has basically brought my ‘new business’ activities to a standstill.

So, once and for all, here is the DEFINITIVE guide on how to make great advertising. If you see ANYTHING which contradicts this somewhere else, ignore it AND try to eradicate it by whatever means (it doesn’t matter, so don’t ask).

1) Know your audience. You CAN’T sell ANYTHING to ANYONE if you don’t know them so don’t even try. Stop NOW!

Fortunately, investing in market research is a waste of time. Just use the following ‘Belmot approved’ chain of thoughts:
~ What do I CURRENTLY think of this product?
~ What would make me buy it?
~ Show me the advert inside my head to make this happen.

Now multiply your answers by 1,000 and you’ve got HEFTY customer insight. Multiply by bigger numbers if you need to prove a point to nay-saying proles (marketing directors, creative directors, board chairmen. The list goes on).

2) Follow EVERY hunch you have. This works for Morse, NYPD Blue, Trotter and famous detectives worldwide. For example, I’ve LITERALLY got a hunch that selling pre-mixed milk and cereal in take-away plastic bags (like a goldfish at a fair) would be a SURE-FIRE hit with commuters. No need for a spoon either. “Just lift, pour and enjoy some more”.

This is a 100% bacon delivery mind technique, no questions asked. Someone take notice NOW.

3) Read the signs. If no-one wants a product, just stop making it. Spending a hundred pounds on a MASSIVE ad campaign may bring you glory NOW, but will eventually robe you in the clothes of shame. We’ve ALL been burned by this in the past, but practically NO-ONE has learnt the lesson, so write this down: glory now = shame later.

4) Also avoid shame by going to the toilet WHILE visiting clients. No opportunity for glory there.

5) If you’re mind is DEAD set on attaining glory, the army may be the best route for you. They give out medals like eggs at Easter. Make sure you’re fit BEFORE you arrive though, or they will LITERALLY take a hammer to you.

6) Running is EXCELLENT for all round fitness.

7) No-one EVER attained glory and awards by making adverts for boring products. If you’ve got a rubbish brand on ‘the books’, simply ignore it and work on something more exciting. I was paid up front MONTHS ago to create a campaign for my local butcher but what’s the point? I’m waiting for a meatier account. Ha ha! That’s IRONIC in many ways. If it’s not, it’s still a great joke.

Joking aside, making 2 for 1 stickers to go on sausages is dull as a DITCH. I wish I’d never accepted the job, but I needed the money over Christmas.

8) Don’t worry, the butcher doesn’t read my blog. I asked. If he does, Peter your chops STINK. Get some better cuts of meat, cheapskate! Also, the stickers are coming along BRILLIANTLY, so don’t bother phoning me again.

9) ALWAYS follow the golden rules of ‘Belmot’s Brand Pyramid’ to select your advertising medium:

Word of Mouth (best)
Internet (also the best)
TV (great)
Cinema (BIG but aimed at morons)
Radio (cheap but rubbish – great for the brands you simply don’t care about)
Everything else is just WASTING your client’s money