Thursday, April 19, 2007

The WORST eight minutes of my life

I had the worst 8 minutes of my life yesterday evening, standing outside Herman's shed and listening in on him whilst he drivelled to other radio hams "on air". He's my husband so this activity is NOT against the law. Kindly do NOT try selling any kind of muck raking story to the police or the Dorking Advertiser.

"My stamina is 8", he said, "And my double-handed axe is wielded with skill factor of 43"

Then there was more drivel from someone on the other end and Herman said "I'm running through a dank tunnel in pursuit of a horde of goblins. My torch is sputtering. Roll the dice to see if I catch them".

It went on for ages and I was bored witless to the back teeth. The whole thing bodes BAD news for me. The last time Herman went through a Dungeons & Dragons phase, he grew a scrubby beard and wore a salad bowl on his head as a helmet "like a proper dwarf king" every day until it rans its course.

I would rank it as one of the most monotonous 14-month periods of my life.

It was also highly embarrassing and we got FILTHY looks when he told staff at the Asda deli counter for "I am weary from long travels and need 2 loaves of lembas bread, by Moradin!".

The woman on the counter was terrified by his 'mock-dwarvish' appearance and mortally confused by his order. She spent a LONG time trying to find some elf-bread and finally came back with 2 chicken satay sticks. By this time the queue was furious.

He also drew a blank 'seeking' an amulet in the 'Clothes by George' section.

Anyway, I put the hose pipe through the shed window and turned it on FULL, which flushed him out good and proper.

No response from Bloomsbury Publishing about the greatest innovation in advertising for the last twenty years, which was MY idea. The most like solution is they've locked JK Rowling in her barn to re-write the next book CHOCK full of advert placements. If Rowling is reading this (quite likely), this one is on the house:

"Dumbledore laced up his Nike Air Equalon trainers using MAGIC. Pow! Their dual-density midsole gave him extra stability and cost £90, although he could have DEFINITELY got them cheaper on the internet. Laughing darkly, he RAN down the road after Voldemort and easily caught him as 'Volders' was only wearing Dunlop Green Flash. Basically fashionable but RUBBISH for road work.

Even at this distance from Hogwarts, they could STILL hear Snape bellowing 'There's 40% off at Thresher', which made them both think of booze."

I can't fathom why, but I REALLY want some chicken satay sticks.

No comments: