My definitive GREAT advertising guide

There’s recently been MORE rubbish than usual written on the internet (not tidy at all) about how to make GREAT advertising. This, PLUS dealing with the CONSTANT stream of advice requests I get, has basically brought my ‘new business’ activities to a standstill.

So, once and for all, here is the DEFINITIVE guide on how to make great advertising. If you see ANYTHING which contradicts this somewhere else, ignore it AND try to eradicate it by whatever means (it doesn’t matter, so don’t ask).

1) Know your audience. You CAN’T sell ANYTHING to ANYONE if you don’t know them so don’t even try. Stop NOW!

Fortunately, investing in market research is a waste of time. Just use the following ‘Belmot approved’ chain of thoughts:
~ What do I CURRENTLY think of this product?
~ What would make me buy it?
~ Show me the advert inside my head to make this happen.

Now multiply your answers by 1,000 and you’ve got HEFTY customer insight. Multiply by bigger numbers if you need to prove a point to nay-saying proles (marketing directors, creative directors, board chairmen. The list goes on).

2) Follow EVERY hunch you have. This works for Morse, NYPD Blue, Trotter and famous detectives worldwide. For example, I’ve LITERALLY got a hunch that selling pre-mixed milk and cereal in take-away plastic bags (like a goldfish at a fair) would be a SURE-FIRE hit with commuters. No need for a spoon either. “Just lift, pour and enjoy some more”.

This is a 100% bacon delivery mind technique, no questions asked. Someone take notice NOW.

3) Read the signs. If no-one wants a product, just stop making it. Spending a hundred pounds on a MASSIVE ad campaign may bring you glory NOW, but will eventually robe you in the clothes of shame. We’ve ALL been burned by this in the past, but practically NO-ONE has learnt the lesson, so write this down: glory now = shame later.

4) Also avoid shame by going to the toilet WHILE visiting clients. No opportunity for glory there.

5) If you’re mind is DEAD set on attaining glory, the army may be the best route for you. They give out medals like eggs at Easter. Make sure you’re fit BEFORE you arrive though, or they will LITERALLY take a hammer to you.

6) Running is EXCELLENT for all round fitness.

7) No-one EVER attained glory and awards by making adverts for boring products. If you’ve got a rubbish brand on ‘the books’, simply ignore it and work on something more exciting. I was paid up front MONTHS ago to create a campaign for my local butcher but what’s the point? I’m waiting for a meatier account. Ha ha! That’s IRONIC in many ways. If it’s not, it’s still a great joke.

Joking aside, making 2 for 1 stickers to go on sausages is dull as a DITCH. I wish I’d never accepted the job, but I needed the money over Christmas.

8) Don’t worry, the butcher doesn’t read my blog. I asked. If he does, Peter your chops STINK. Get some better cuts of meat, cheapskate! Also, the stickers are coming along BRILLIANTLY, so don’t bother phoning me again.

9) ALWAYS follow the golden rules of ‘Belmot’s Brand Pyramid’ to select your advertising medium:

Word of Mouth (best)
Internet (also the best)
TV (great)
Cinema (BIG but aimed at morons)
Radio (cheap but rubbish – great for the brands you simply don’t care about)
Everything else is just WASTING your client’s money