The National Gallery must NOT receive my fence

Hello blog watcher-thinkers!

The HOT news is that my fence is RUINED.

Herman has spent the weekend 'painting' a self portrait of himself as part of his plan to "distill his essence" so future generations would know what kind of a man he was. His first act was to remove one of our fence panels so he had something to paint onto, so a FOOL is the answer to that.

Anyway, the whole thing is a tissue of LIES told in Dulux 'daffodil white' (basically magnolia) and NOTHING like the truth of his essence. He's painted himself as a 'great white hunter' in Africa standing on top of a HEAP of dead lions and tigers with a shotgun in his hand.

For NO reason at all, there's also a pair of what look like popes but are apparently nuns sitting in a carriage behind him while a hyena looks hungrily at Herman from behind a scrubby tree. Idiotic.

Here's my "artist's impression" of it (actually just as good as the real thing but I can't find the camera to take a photo of it in it's STUPID glory):

I DREAD to think what anyone will think the next time we have a dinner party. The real thing is literally as big as a fence panel and the faces of the popes/nuns follow you around the house wherever you go. Creepy.

I've spent ALL day hiding the address of the National Gallery from Herman so he doesn't post the fence off and create even more negative attention for me (the last thing I need).
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Anyway, the REAL issue is that Herman won't even go into to the DIY shop to buy proper paint because of his fear of the teenage shop assistants, so there's NO chance of him ever hunting animals on another continent, now or in the past. Case closed.
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That said, he's got a point. The staff in our local shop have cadaverous faces and follow you unspeaking around the aisles. Creepy, like the pope.

If anyone reading this does the advertising for Homebase, you should DEFINITELY make this your core brand message: "our staff do NOT have cadaverous faces".

If this is true you will bring home the ROI bacon 100%. Check your staff faces first though, the government has gone BANANAS for advertising clamping lately and will RUIN your business if they think you're lying.

Herman's legacy may be in the toilet

I've just been down the shops and seen Marmitey-Guinness, which made me think TWO things:
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1) It's a waste of time as Marmite and Guinness taste IDENTICAL. Only connoisseurs and liars will tell you any different.
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2) It's still a waste of time and it would have been better to have produced a paste which was time-saving AND tasty, such as Bovril and Smash (your RDA of beef and potatoes), or peanut butter and breadcrumbs (saves the need to spread on bread).
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All day I've had to put up with Herman asking me about his 'legacy' and how he thinks future generations will view him. He keeps coming in from the shed and saying that he needs to do SOMETHING to safeguard his reputation in history. Then he forgets what he came in for (nothing at all) and goes back to the shed.
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This sort of woolly thinking is a MASSIVE hinderance to my new business activities. I don't know WHERE he gets these ideas, but I'm DEFINITELY going to stop him from bringing ANY sci-fi material into the house (books, magazines, murals).

He's just come in and asked where we keep the "history materials".
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I'm assuming he means the old newspapers and NOT his army uniform, so I've directed him to the toilet. It's like a branch of WHSmith in there most of the time.

The floor is contemporary AND rubbish

Blog a log a pog! (this really hasn't caught on. It's just flogging a dead horse)

Herman's curiosity/dangerous obsession with property development TV programmes took on physical form yesterday when he hired an industrial floor sander to "buff up" the kitchen floor.

He didn't bother to move any chairs or the kitchen table but decided to sand around them, so the results are best described as "patchy". Rubbish, really. Also it's completely RUINED the lino. The pattern has been totally scuffed off and parts of it are scraped to ribbons.

That said, it's DEFINITELY a contemporary look and I get a LOT more purchase when walking on the floor. Overall, the ROI is greater purchase for my feet but NOT my eyes.

I don't know what Sarah Beeney would say, but I'd assume it would be constructive and RUDE, in the style of Gordon Ramsey and Simon Callow.

By comparison, the man who collected the sander was NOT constructive but VERY rude. Apparently the machine is designed for use on floor boards and could be now be RUINED with lino clogging the filters. Ha ha! His 'cloud' is our 'silver lining' (although the kitchen does now look RUBBISH in both natural and artificial light).

Since winning the internet election, I've had an EXCLUSIVE interview with some top thinkers. You can read the whole interview at AdLads, but here's a taste of my key insights. Some of this thinking is FAR ahead of the curve, so don't feel bad if it goes HIGH over your head. If you want an EXCLUSIVE interview too, just email me and I'll DEFINITELY do it.

Q: What 10 things should an advertising planner never do?
a) Always be planning (ABP). If you stop, except to eat and go to the t*ilet, you are NOT a planner by definition.

b) Never not blog. Blogging and planning are what the intelligentsia know as 'synonyms'. The proles call this 'words say different but be the same'. Idiots.

c) The Ten Commandments are a GOOD place to start if you're looking for things not to do, but there are at least four other GREAT commandments I can think of which should be thought of as "biblical no-no's" too. Drinking any kind of seafood smoothie after 11pm is an example. This is experience speaking.

d) Trust robots to do your job for you. They will NOT.

e) Run into the Creative Department with scissors facing outwards. Neither side can be trusted with the necessary safety awareness.

f) If you are in the public eye, take care of your appearance. If you can't manage this, invest in 'covering' clothing such as boiler suits and balaclavas. No one wants to see unsightly things.

g) Keep livestock in the airing cupboard. Self-explanatory.

h) Let a client use your facilities (t*ilet) without freshening it first. They will judge you and NEVER change their opinion.

i) Start statements with phrases like "Based on no research at all, I've got a hunch that...". Respect = lost.

Q: Raiders of the Lost Arc or Police Academy?
I haven't seen either of these films as both had EXCELLENT posters. If you can sum up a film in one poster, then you've not only done your job but saved me the price of admission (great ROI).

The 'Lost Ark' poster told me all I need to know (cowboy goes on holiday to Egypt, wins beach volleyball contest, irritates his headmaster but still goes to college). The Police Academy poster made me want to watch The Bill with American accents. Enough said. 4 stars****

Q: Tell us how much you love your husband with the utmost emotional out pour you can possibly muster. We want to be crying after we read you answer.
This really is Herman's area again so I've asked him what the answer is. He says he'd describe me as a "good egg". He is NOT an overly-emotional man.

This is also part of a worrying trend of his to refer to everything as 'eggs'. Yesterday alone, he called Gordon Brown a 'bad egg'; our car a 'fast egg'; a cup of tea a 'nice hot egg' and also an omelette a 'hot flat egg' (factually true). I don't know WHERE he's got this from. I'm hoping it's just a phase.

He's just asked for a 'quick trip to the eggs'. I literally haven't a CLUE what he's referring to.

Actually, the toilet door has just closed, so the mystery has been solved.

Send ME Victorious

The good news is that I'm now in charge of the internet after TROUNCING all the other competition in the general election.

The TROUNCING would have been a lot more of a WHITEWASH LANDSLIDE victory but I received most of my votes through my postbox. Some people are idiots, even when prompted with cold hard logic.

Herman has put out an A.P.B across the radio ham airwaves with the message "Peace and tidiness in our time". I haven't got a clue what he's playing at as none of his luddite cronies read the internet. He's been in the shed for hours now though, so that is a SILVER lining.

My first act as President of Web You has been to start handing out awards to websites which comply to Belmot's Tidy Regulations Act 07 (this site is Five Star tidy*****). I've also granted an EXCLUSIVE interview to The AdLads and appointed Russell Davies as my Chancellor of PR, which he has graciously accepted as a part-time, no-money involved position (probably - not confirmed at time of going to press. Russell, this is one for you to check).

Carol has agreed to host an inauguration dinner at her house tomorrow night. This is a good idea from a PR/spin point of view if she gets the press involved (Russell - please check this), but a BAD idea from a hunger/satisfaction point of view. Her cooking is abysmal and she never makes any concessions for Herman's 'problem'.

Selfish, is the word I would use.

Last time we went round, there was a DELIBERATE lack of enough food. This all stems from the time that Herman brought his own pudding to a dinner party. She's never forgiven him and hasn't a CLUE about putting together a media-neutral advertising campaign.

Herman's six-point strategy to get the Simon Cowell look is at stage one: volumise his hair.
He looks RIDICULOUS, so I've requested he stand in front of bright lights at all times. As a silhouette, you don't see the detail (a BONUS), but you do still see the shape (distracting at best, offensive at worst).

A lot of science-fiction films GUARANTEE that robots will take over the world. I've dismissed this idea for many years but I may have to retract the thinking on this one after I went to the Post Office this morning. I just have a hunch.

Rubbish king of Scotland

I went to see the Braveheart sequel 'King of Scotland' last night. Belmot verdict = rubbish.
Mel Gibson looks 'pasty' and not 'buff' and the whole thing is played for laughs, right up until the end where they kill him again.

All in all it's VERY baffling and only provided a total of 17 BIG belly laughs. No-one even used the Braveheart catchphrase "There can be only one" either, so the marketing possibilities are a write-off. I didn't want to say "me too" more than a handful of times.

The only thing in its favour was that the depiction of Scotland seemed reasonably accurate - not ONE wireless router in sight and no-one checked their email during the ENTIRE film.

Herman complained about the lack of "kilt action", but I'm assuming he's confused - he thought we were watching Wallace & Grommit for the first 20 minutes. It's not clear when the misunderstanding crept in. Possibly in the car on the way there.

In conclusion: 2 stars ** for effort, but essentially a pedestrian script let down by a reliance on CGI.

That said, I had a GREAT time and will DEFINITELY buy this on DVD (or whatever format is best at Christmas time - probably an internet one).

Here's a great idea for a TV show like the X Factor but better: Kurt Russell, Louis Walsh and a token woman (possibly Agatha Christie) are the judging panel on 'The Wow Factor'. Members of the public can do ANYTHING at all, and if they make two out of three judges say "Wow", they are through to the next round.

Examples would be:

• A blind train driver ("wow - how does he do work?")
• A Harry Potter lookalike ("wow - enough said")
• A man who owns TEN windmills standing before you (I'm literally saying "wow" at the very concept)

There would be 50 rounds in total and the final is in front of a live audience and the same rules apply except the AUDIENCE has to say "Wow".

The sooner ITV jumps onto forward-thinking programs like this, the sooner watchers will come flocking back = good news for advertising. The current programming schedule is an embarrassment. No wonder Robbie Coltrane refuses to work for them.

Don't let Cowell on board though - he'll take the money for himself and NOT plough it back into quality detective drama like 'Trotter'. I can GUARANTEE this.

Herman is still keen to get the 'Cowell' look. If you have any pointers, let him know (using amateur radio, ideally).

Vote for Janet; Mel Gibson wants beer

Someone called Russell Davies (an enthusiastic and amiable amateur) has decided that my blog is the best on the internet this year. But to quell the naysaying proles, everyone has to vote for me to prove this.

Do this RIGHT NOW at the online voting booth. Then continue reading.

Writing the Best Blog on the Internet is the one to go for. Everything else is essentially the 'Lib Dems' - worthy but essentially ineffectual and a WASTE of your voting rights.

My husband has been getting involved by sellotaping a piece of A4 on the front door with VOTE NOW written on it in red biro. The postman got irate because he'd taped it over the letterbox and got confused about the general election. (There isn't one. I checked).

Herman told him to "post around the propaganda" which doesn't make sense and irritated the postman AND me. Propaganda is NOT advertising (contrary to Alan Sugar's opinion).

Anyway, the postman agreed to shout "VOTE JANET" through every letterbox of houses which looked wealthy. This is a GREAT piece of planning as wealthy houses will have the internet and are probably already aware of the debate (ahead of the curve). Do postmen make great planners or are they killing it? You decide.

In other great news, I SAW a windmill at the weekend and DEFINITELY felt about 75% happier. The sooner someone gets this into an advert, the sooner we'll ALL see the ROI.

Herman also suggested that a good "no-thinker" would be for Linford to marry Agatha Christie but he hasn't done the "maths" on this one on both levels: she's dead and this wouldn't create good advertising.

The key really is to vote NOW though.

Cinema advertising idea: A Web 17 concept would be to have speech recognition software in every cinema seat. If Mel Gibson was on screen and said "I'll have a beer", you could say "me too" and Amazon would deliver one to you (or your work address if you think you'll be out when they try to deliver it).

This would be a SENSATION (especially in the South East where they're ahead of the curve). I can't think how many films I've wanted to say "me too" at. A conservative list would include:

• Big Trouble in Little China
• Watership Down
• Touching the Void
• Das Boot (this is one of Herman's. I don't have a clue what he's talking about)

I've done the "maths"

Sometimes there is a thing which is so obvious that ANYONE could think it but no-one does. This is what gurus and experts call a "no-thinker". A GREAT example would be to re-brand all police stations 'PC World'.

Because I HAVE thought of a lot of obvious things, here's a list of Belmot's Brainers to save you having to do the "maths":

Mr T should advertise tea. You could call him Mr Tea.

Also Bruce Forsyth could advertise tea because he looks 'chimpy'.

Barbara Cartland could endorse carts and sell them through a shop called Cart Land.
Russ Abbott should be the face of Toys 'R'uss. Ideally, he should be dressed like an abbott in the adverts:

Keep Les Dennis away from anything - he'd be brand poison.

Simon Cowell could be the face of Budgens. I just have a hunch it would work.
Fidel Castro should be the face of cigarettes. Any brand would work - they're all the same.

You might not grasp the concept behind most of these but trust me - I've done the research AND the planning. These would all 100% work.

If you can think of any "no-thinkers" you've done the "maths" on, let me know!

In other industry news, I've been approached by a website which is worried it could be rubbish and asked for my advertising expert opinion. Read my GREAT (and so far un-invoiced for) advice at the Brand Republic Forum.

Mrs Belmot's carbon footprint

Advertising idea: record an MP3 of you shouting something like "BUY STORK MARGARINE" and play it loud through speakers in public places (buses, pavements, toilets, orphanages, etc.).

If someone says "Yes, I will," then there's a microphone which detects this, recognises your voice and posts you a pack of margarine (hopefully not through Tesco - their delivery service was contemptable when I used it).

This is called digital outdoor advertising and is a great way of interacting with consumers at THEIR level. Other great things to advertise in this way would be stamps, petrol and building materials. The key is to play the adverts LOUD so everyone can hear them.

Make sure you have voice recognition software in place before attempting this though - I've been burnt by this before.

Alan (surname unknown) left today. Some relative (female) came and picked him up to take him to the doctor. He'd lost a LOT of weight but this is no bad thing. He was much fatter than is healthy, in my amateur's opinion. A real bloater, although sadly not any more.

Anyway, he's gone so now we need to get some carpet-fitters in to quote for replacing the carpet in the bathroom. Herman says the stains remind him of the 60s. I don't know what he means but it's a DISGRACE. A major part of my brain regrets having Alan (surname unknown) to stay.

On the plus side, he ate 7 times his body weight in Milork and Belmot Jam. Using a metaphor, the cloud (Alan) STANK and ruined the carpet, but had a silver lining (got rid of surplus food taking up space in the garage).

I have NOT been innundated with people signing up to my campaign to keep the internet tidy. Come on! We really need to reduce the 'carbon footprint' on this one.

Incidentally, I reduced the 'carbon footprint' of our lounge by putting the kettle, microwave AND toaster on the coffee table. The extra heat generated means that I can turn the radiator down in there (although it's gone UP in the kitchen to compensate). Good news for the planet all round.

No more windmill news yet.

Keep the internet tidy

Hello to ALL my blog readers!
I'm starting a new campaign today to keep the internet tidy.

Have you any idea how much RUBBISH there is on the internet? If there was a unit of rubbish, I would estimate the internet to have 5,000 completely RUBBISH units (if not a lot more - no one knows for sure).

Chances are, you'll probably be disappointed by the quality of what you see on the internet and this does NOT release endorphins in your brain to make you feel brilliant. Medical internet fact.

The amount of rubbish has grown, especially with the arrival of Web You (also known as Web 17). You don't have to really understand it as long as you can look at this picture which makes it clear:

My blog is the red X - it's very low on the 'Rubbish' axis (also could be called the axis of evil, according to my husband).

So, in conclusion, there are too many rubbish blogs and websites created by enthusiastic but un-talented AMATEURS. This damages the web for everyone, including the proles.

Solution: if you find a RUBBISH website, email the creator and tell them to get it off the internet NOW. It's like finding dog p** on the pavement, spoiling your walk (browse) along the street (internet). Keep the internet tidy!

You can also 'name and shame' people all over the rest of the internet using forums or even your own blog!

I'd assume that things like Google will actually thank you for making their life easier (less dross for them to read every day).

Wouldn't it be GREAT to own a windmill? That'd be just about the best way to open a conversation with anyone. "I own a windmill".

I can practically GUARANTEE that owning one would release endorphins in your brain AND in other people's brains. I'm literally laughing with happiness just thinking about it. Ha ha ha!

The police have missed a trick

I had a GREAT idea this morning while looking at the fridge.

It's for a concept I've branded the iCar (calling things with an i at the front is DEFINITELY in vogue. Do it now, if you haven't already started). It would look like a normal car:

But the BIG difference is that it has a USB port towards the rear on one side (see schematic above for detailed info).

This would allow the 'driver' to download petrol from the internet and food from internet shops right into the boot (Sainsburys. Not Tesco). In the future, you'd be able to find your destination on Multimap, connect your iCar to the internet and woooooosh! You'd just be there through wireless broadband technology!

Ha ha!

It's all SO obvious when you've thought about it (like I have). The proles won't cotton on to this one for YEARS, so don't let the naysaying idiots stop you from getting a USB port fitted. I've asked my husband to take our car down to the MOT centre to see what they can do (I'm expecting nothing - they've got the sense of chimps down there).

If he gets no joy, he's going to try PC World instead. He's got a copy of the technical photo above, so a qualified IT Mechanic should be able to do the job.

Incidentally, the Surrey Police Authority were stupid not to copyright the phrase "PC World" as this would be a GREAT Branding opportunity for the local police station. See also "Cop Shop".
Maybe they could steal a march and register iPC World.

Alan is still in the toilet more than he's out of it, but we're really getting quite fond of having him around. The smell is basically unhuman now though and we wish he would just leave.