Tuesday, February 20, 2007

The floor is contemporary AND rubbish

Blog a log a pog! (this really hasn't caught on. It's just flogging a dead horse)

Herman's curiosity/dangerous obsession with property development TV programmes took on physical form yesterday when he hired an industrial floor sander to "buff up" the kitchen floor.

He didn't bother to move any chairs or the kitchen table but decided to sand around them, so the results are best described as "patchy". Rubbish, really. Also it's completely RUINED the lino. The pattern has been totally scuffed off and parts of it are scraped to ribbons.

That said, it's DEFINITELY a contemporary look and I get a LOT more purchase when walking on the floor. Overall, the ROI is greater purchase for my feet but NOT my eyes.

I don't know what Sarah Beeney would say, but I'd assume it would be constructive and RUDE, in the style of Gordon Ramsey and Simon Callow.

By comparison, the man who collected the sander was NOT constructive but VERY rude. Apparently the machine is designed for use on floor boards and could be now be RUINED with lino clogging the filters. Ha ha! His 'cloud' is our 'silver lining' (although the kitchen does now look RUBBISH in both natural and artificial light).

Since winning the internet election, I've had an EXCLUSIVE interview with some top thinkers. You can read the whole interview at AdLads, but here's a taste of my key insights. Some of this thinking is FAR ahead of the curve, so don't feel bad if it goes HIGH over your head. If you want an EXCLUSIVE interview too, just email me and I'll DEFINITELY do it.

Q: What 10 things should an advertising planner never do?
a) Always be planning (ABP). If you stop, except to eat and go to the t*ilet, you are NOT a planner by definition.

b) Never not blog. Blogging and planning are what the intelligentsia know as 'synonyms'. The proles call this 'words say different but be the same'. Idiots.

c) The Ten Commandments are a GOOD place to start if you're looking for things not to do, but there are at least four other GREAT commandments I can think of which should be thought of as "biblical no-no's" too. Drinking any kind of seafood smoothie after 11pm is an example. This is experience speaking.

d) Trust robots to do your job for you. They will NOT.

e) Run into the Creative Department with scissors facing outwards. Neither side can be trusted with the necessary safety awareness.

f) If you are in the public eye, take care of your appearance. If you can't manage this, invest in 'covering' clothing such as boiler suits and balaclavas. No one wants to see unsightly things.

g) Keep livestock in the airing cupboard. Self-explanatory.

h) Let a client use your facilities (t*ilet) without freshening it first. They will judge you and NEVER change their opinion.

i) Start statements with phrases like "Based on no research at all, I've got a hunch that...". Respect = lost.

Q: Raiders of the Lost Arc or Police Academy?
I haven't seen either of these films as both had EXCELLENT posters. If you can sum up a film in one poster, then you've not only done your job but saved me the price of admission (great ROI).

The 'Lost Ark' poster told me all I need to know (cowboy goes on holiday to Egypt, wins beach volleyball contest, irritates his headmaster but still goes to college). The Police Academy poster made me want to watch The Bill with American accents. Enough said. 4 stars****

Q: Tell us how much you love your husband with the utmost emotional out pour you can possibly muster. We want to be crying after we read you answer.
This really is Herman's area again so I've asked him what the answer is. He says he'd describe me as a "good egg". He is NOT an overly-emotional man.

This is also part of a worrying trend of his to refer to everything as 'eggs'. Yesterday alone, he called Gordon Brown a 'bad egg'; our car a 'fast egg'; a cup of tea a 'nice hot egg' and also an omelette a 'hot flat egg' (factually true). I don't know WHERE he's got this from. I'm hoping it's just a phase.

He's just asked for a 'quick trip to the eggs'. I literally haven't a CLUE what he's referring to.

Actually, the toilet door has just closed, so the mystery has been solved.


Tom said...

JB really insightful stuff here, thanks very much, it really left me with a sense of everything oval.

I too often make mistakes of getting enthusiatic with DIY following these property programs so I am currently felling much pathos towards you. However I have a question to ask you following Herman's Kitchen disaster. When you saw him ruining your floor how did you react? I am having a problem with my partner as she often goes super duper mad if I even dust the television in the wrong direction (apparently it's bad for your eyes) let alone sanding the lino away in the kitchen. I suppose what I am trying to say is do you get more chilled out with age or are you just up for any type of experimentation? Or did you go really mad at Herman?

Cheers JB

sylvia said...

I am quite partial to the term
Not yet come across a situation/
person, that will not allow,
nay, welcome its usage.