The diarrhoea gap is NOT long enough

Belmot's Blog: Supplemental: the Morse Toad is NOT Alan (surname unknown).

Apparently the 'Toad' got in touch with Herman last night on the radio saying he didn't like leaving Barnstaple so would DECLINE his invitation.

This DEFINITELY means that we've been hosting a complete stranger in our house for the last six days. Unfortunately, Alan (surname unknown) has been ill since he arrived here and has barely left the spare room except to go to the t*ilet (which he does ALL the time) so I'll have to wait until his diarrhoea abates long enough to ask him to leave. There's barely been a gap so far.

On the plus side, I've managed to shift a GREAT quantity of the sausage, mash & fig jam the BBC website FORCED me to make. Alan's been eating it like it's going out of fashion. (Don't check this - it's never been 'in vogue').

I've opened all the windows in the house which has had the double benefit of airing the stink AND making it uncomfortably cold for any unwanted guests. You can see your breath in most rooms (not the t*ilet though - it's UNNATURALLY clammy in there).

I REALLY want him out as I want to go to the cinema to see the Braveheart sequel "The King of Scotland". I don't know HOW Braveheart will come back from the dead. Maybe by 'celtic magic', like in Harry Potter, or possibly through 'science magic' like in Ee-Ar.

Mel Gibson is GREAT 'popcorn'. This is Belmot cinema-shorthand for a film which, although entertaining enough to eat through, NEVER stimulates the brain, the music is amateurish and the characterisation abysmal. Casting is often pedestrian and the story resolution predicatable hours in advance.
On a scale of zero to Big Trouble in Little China, it would rate an Overboard:


Ha ha! Kurt Russell is a hoot! I LOVE this film!

There isn't a Marketing Director in my toilet

Here's a tip for everyone:

If you're a socially backward radio ham, don't accept at face value an invitation to someone's home. Their wife will NOT want you to come and stay.

If you DO come and stay, try taking your filthy shoes off and not treading dirt into all the carpets in the house. You could also make SOME effort to keep the conversation going.

Herman's elusive 'Morse Toad' (real name Alan something) arrived yesterday. We'd have met him much earlier but he'd been standing in the back garden for nearly an hour "waiting for someone to come out".

Eventually he stopped standing in the mud (Herman hasn't re-seeded yet) and came to the front door. He doesn't say much and it took some time to find out what he wanted. He just kept saying "It's Alan" VERY quietly, which was self-evident after the FIRST time he said it.

Anyway, he doesn't have ANYTHING in common with Herman, who took himself off to the shed as soon as he could. Then Alan sighed a lot but still said nothing (a clear indicator of RUDENESS). As he hadn't taken his shoes off, I could NOT invite him into another room.

After an HOUR of standing in silence in the hall I had to go to the toilet (although I told Alan I had a meeting with a Marketing Director upstairs). When I came back, he'd made himself at home in the lounge (shoes and all).

On another topic (or AM I?), if you're an unwanted house guest and you get Milork for a starter (in a bowl) AND a main dinner course (on a plate), you'd be VERY rude to turn it down if someone generously offers it to you as a bedtime drink (in a mug).

Anyway, Alan went to bed at about 8.00pm last night and didn't get up until gone 10am today. Not that Herman knew. He stayed in the shed until 2am hiding and was back out there at 6am. I don't know HOW he managed in the Army. I'm beginning to wonder what he means when he talks about 'active service'.

Alan got jam for breakfast (the garage is full of it, so it's not really generous).

His presence is ruining my 'new business' plan and he knows NOTHING about Digital as the way of the future. Fool.

The BBC jam is muck

Blog-a-log-a-bog (this HASN'T caught on anywhere else - I don't know why I bother).

Here's a great idea I posted on Benji and Elliot's blog (no need to go there as I've written it out below):

No-one likes to run around in public in their pants, so schools should have vending machines selling spare PE kit to pupils who forget to bring theirs in.

They could pay a small fee (£45) OR get it free if they put advertising stickers on it (a real life version of AdSense). The amount of stickers you agree to wear changes the cost of the kit.

This is also a great way for APPROPRIATE brands to target children, eg:

• MacDonalds
• Childline
• NSPCC
• Local orphanages
• Thresher
• Eddie Stobart transport logistics

In the winter, companies with a long name could sponsor scarves. Anyone with five words in their name do gloves. Obvious. Case closed.

No word from the BBC about my pitch for 'Trotter'. Mentioning no names, but some people haven't got the sense to commission something EXCELLENT when it's given them on a plate.

The recipes section on their website is rubbish too. Impenetrable AND dull. I tried to make sausage and mash with fig jam and it just ended up as sausage, mash and fig jam. Simultaneously a small AND a big difference. Due to the quantities I used, we've been having it for breakfast since last August.

I gave a lot away for Christmas but most came back, which pleased Herman no end - he loves the muck.

I caught him speading it on sausages once which seemed plain WRONG.

Someone has been ringing the doorbell SOLIDLY for the last 35 minutes and Herman knows for a FACT that I'm blogging on the internet (BOTI) = not to be disturbed. I wish SOMEONE would "do the maths" on this one.

A glimpse of the future

This picture will no doubt TERRIFY a lot of people - this is because it's a representation of the future: something which a lot of people are scared of.

In response to Richard's query about whether the internet was ever in black & white, I've gone ONE better and designed a concept we can all start planning for now. Behold a glimpse of the future!

In line with current future concerning (ie worrying about things which MAY happen but haven't yet), I've pulled together the very latest concepts which I'd better explain because most people aren't clever enough to understand:

• It's basically a microwave with the cosmos in it. You don't have to use a Sunbeam microwave, but I have.
• It's got legs - this is to allow for evolution.
• The lightening bolts coming out of the top are the NEW internet. These will not be visible in the future, but they look GOOD on a picture.
• Notice how small the people are - this is purely in comparison to the size of the internet.
• Once you think of what you want, the internet understands this and delivers it through the microwave door.
• The dials become digital radio tuners (although I can't imagine how anyone could reach them - maybe if the legs bent down).
• It's broadcasting INLINE, not online. NO-ONE knows what this means, but it will work in the future.

If you're building a forward-looking advertising campaign, make sure you budget for this new media.

Still no sign of Herman's unwanted radio ham guest. Hopefully the snow has put him off for GOOD.

Robots don't help the French

Look at this picture of a robot. If this makes you want to buy a French car there's something wrong with you, in my opinion. I think the natural reaction would be to explode it (with the appropriate permission).

This is a GREAT example of TERRIBLE advertising. For some reason, Citroen think this might make everyone want to jump in and go for a ride - a ride of automated terror, is my opinion of what you would REALLY receive.

Herman says he saw plans for something similar when he was in the army but he's a terrible liar for things like this. He probably just saw a big van and didn't pay attention.

Here's my round-up of the internet for what's hot at the moment:

• The BBC says the weather will be cold for a few days
• I've changed my signature on Brand Republic and exposed their editor as being LAZY. Scoop!
• There's not much happening in Dorking, unless it's going on behind the scenes (unlikely - our city council is beyond reproach)
• A big argument about blogging killing planning has just finished at Adliterate. I had the last word, which is always the most important one
• Still no update on the WORST website I've ever come across. It's just one picture! What a waste of the internet space.

That reminds me, I forgot I was going to pitch for 'new business' to a rubbish brand with some classic Mrs Belmot winning strategies. I got side-tracked writing to the BBC:

"Hello,

Here's my GREAT idea for a spin-off series for David Jason/Derek Trotter:

Programme: TROTTER

Concept: Rodney Trotter and Cassandra have died! Derek Trotter becomes a private detective based in Peckham. Every week he cracks a typically 'East-end' case (like stolen veg from a market stall; Denzel has misplaced a betting slip; a single-mother is assaulted in an underpass).

Every week Derek solves the case and gets a clue about how Rodney died, so he says "This time next year, I'll have solved that murder".

The clever bit is that all the characters are established (no need for a pilot) and David Jason plays Frost on ITV so he knows how to do detective acting.

You can have this for free, but I'd want my name high in the credits (ideally in a bigger font than everyone else).

Best wishes,

Janet"

Still no sign of the Morse Toad. Like a lot of radio hams, he's LITERALLY all talk and no trousers. Apart from getting up four times in the night to check the front door was locked, Herman seems to have forgotten the whole thing.

The Morse Toad could arrive at any time

My husband came into the kitchen today looking shifty. His eyes were all over the place and when I asked him what he wanted for breakfast he said "Um. Aah. Hey?" Then he looked out of the window, rested his elbow on the toaster and swore LOUDLY because the toaster was on. That's yet another dressing gown RUINED by the toaster.

My initial reaction (and no doubt yours too) was that he'd sold a "warts and all" story about me to the Dorking Advertiser (the potential bane of my life - although not yet). However, he eventually admitted that 'on air' over the weekend, he invited one of his amateur radio ham friends to come and stay.

Because radio hams do NOT think logically, neither one of them had the intelligence to agree on a date. So now Herman has spent all morning peeking out of the kitchen window to see if anyone is going to arrive. Again - not logical. Our kitchen window faces the garden and I doubt VERY much if anyone is going to arrive through the hedge.

We also don't know his name as hams only broadcast their 'handle', not their real name. If anyone reading this knows or IS "The Morse Toad", please identify yourself using a normal forename/surname combination.

The whole thing is VERY irritating as over the weekend I made the decision to get more actively involved with the advertising industry. I'm going to select a brand which I think is most rubbish and then pitch some ideas to them. If I win, the ROI is that I'll get money for this.

Off the top of my head, brands which I think are rubbish are:

• Coke Zero (no explanation needed)
• Tesco (their delivery service is a disgrace)
• The grocer on Pemberton Road (the freshness is non-existent)
• Citroen (giant ice-skating automations do NOT sell cars)
• Um Bongo (I don't even know if this still exists, which is TERRIBLE brand awareness)

There are LOTS more rubbish brands and I need to devote a LOT of Belmot brain space to thinking about the various problems faced by ALL of these rubbish brands, but at the moment all I can think of is a freeloading radio ham. He'll probably need a towel.

I'll also have to devote some time thinking about how to impress client bigwigs (that's the name of the rabbit in Watership Down - ha ha!)

Writing the best blog on the internet

Hello blog readeradmirers!

As a beacon of best practice in both advertising AND in writing a great blog, I've been receiving almost a MILLION requests for advice on how I write the best blog on the internet.

If you're thinking of starting a blog or already have a blog but it's rubbish, these tips will DEFINITELY put you on the road to success and give you a good brand rep.

1) If you've got nothing to say, stop taking up space on the internet. It's big but it's NOT big enough for all of us. It can also create unwanted attention from the press. The Dorking Advertiser seems to have taken a morbid curiosity in my every movement lately.

2) A LOT of people are stupid (I can think of four people I've talked to already today who DEFINITELY fit into this category). If you want the thickies to understand you, it's a GREAT idea to use capital letters to highlight important words. It works and it gives you STANDOUT from the herd, which is the main thing.

3) I like to eat when I'm watching the internet, so make sure you've been shopping before starting anything else. Hotdogs are good and so is mash. Herring, soft-boiled eggs and ANYTHING in syrup is bad. I dropped tinned fruit salad on my keyboard once and, although it didn't damage the function, typing is now an unpleasantly 'tacky' experience.

4) Only write about key information. No-one wants to read an unfocussed ramble about new developments in amateur radio receivers, even if a family member wants to see it on the internet. This really is the golden rule and I wish I'd made it number one.

5) Be prepared to change your mind. EVERYONE jumped on the Paul Simon bandwagon in 2006 with the monster smash 'Graceland' but a few dinner parties later it definitely lost it's appeal. Don't set anything in stone and always use phrases like "Graceland is probably the greatest musical experience of my life", rather than "Graceland is DEFINITELY 100% the five star musical experience of my life".

6) I've been burned by this before.

7) I've just remembered that I took one of our dining room chairs into the garden before Christmas and it's STILL there. It'll be absolutely ruined (if it's even still there).

8) Also, I took a sausage and nut paella over to Carols' house for her New Year's eve party and she's STILL got the casserole dish (probably unwashed), which is typical of her. The food was a big hit though, despite the rice being on the 'rare' side (ie crunchy). It doesn't matter as long as you drink the right ratio of water though as it continues to cook in the heat of your stomach.

(I imagine. Do NOT quote this as medical advice OR cooking advice as I am not a professional doctor nor a professional cook. If pressed, I would describe myself as an enthusiast amateur at both).

9) I can't remember why I'm numbering my paragraphs but if I ever archive my memoirs it will be very useful. NOTE: this could also be a GREAT way to organise a spice rack. A number of restaurants use numbers to organise their menus, so this is a logical progression.

The Dorking Advertiser may have wind of me

Have you seen the alarming rise in magazines showing celebrities 'snapped' while out shopping? Look at this picture of Britney Spears shopping. She's practically unrecognisable without her makeup:


The last few times I've been down to the shops (which is where the 'snapping' ALWAYS happens), I've felt what can only be described as a watchful, malign presence lurking on every street.

If you're famous (like a LOT of my blog readers probably are) then you will understand the fear. If you're not a celebrity, don't bother trying to undertstand it - it's like feeling like you're being watched and then turning round to find a lot of people looking at you.

My BIG fear is that the Dorking Advertiser has got wind of my internet celebrity status and is taking steps to 'snap' me. The standard of journalism is rubbish but Herman uses it to light the fire so we have a subscription.

The LAST thing I need is a photo of me carrying bags of loo roll round the St Martins Walk shopping centre while Herman stares into The Body Shop (he likes the smells but doesn't understand the ethical/soap concept). I don't think he realises that it's aimed at the gift buying sector, not day-to-day bathing.

Anyway, the whole situation is giving me the jitters and Herman has started wearing a balaclava a LOT of the time to hide his identity, which only draws more attention. Especially in this unseasonably mild weather. It's disgusting watching him spoon custard through the woolly mouth-hole at the dinner table every night too. Tonight he's only getting celery.

To combat the D*MNED paparrazzi I've ordered some shopping online: raisins and a new reel of dental floss - delivery estimate is Thursday night so I'll keep my blog readers informed FIRST before anyone else how this goes.

Word News: Evil sounds REALLY terrible, but the opposite word "good"' sounds understated. I'm going to start using something better as an opposite word. Great and best are DEFINITE contenders.

Be careful how you use this though: "Jesus was a best man" sounds like he's at a wedding, not the opposite of evil.

Herman has just walked in with a microphone attached to his head by a 'crown' made out of a wire coathanger (no doubt one of mine). I don't know WHAT he's playing at but I'm not letting him out of the house OR into the bathroom looking like that.

Approached by the advertising industry AGAIN

Once again, I've been approached by "the industry" (the advertising industry if you haven't been following my blog) to give them urgent advice on how to resolve the crisis with PG-Tips tea advertising campaign.

Fortunately, I did a big shop in the week so I wasn't down the shops when the plea for help came in. Read and learn from some classic AND sharp Mrs Belmot advice.

You don't have to bother reading the whole page as a lot of it is quite panicky and distressing if you're not a professional. Skip to the end for the resolution.

This picture helps prove my claim:


Chimpy is the best adjective to use, if you're stuck for one. It's the combination of hair, wrinkles and chin.

Mrs Belmot's Predictions for 2007

Everyone else has been jumping on MY bandwagon and giving out their predictions for 2007, so I thought it was high time someone with some professional experience gave an opinion worth listening to.

Janet's DEFINITE Predictions for 2007

1) Everyone keeps banging on about Web Two (or Web YOU as the intelligentsia call it. Start now if this doesn't include you). Don't be confused into thinking this a new version of the internet. It's not and you CAN'T buy it in Woolworths (I checked).

Anyway, it's everywhere and even my husband has heard of it, which is normally the kiss of DEATH. But it's NOT a concept with legs because logically we will end up using Web Seventeen (or even higher). Ridiculous.

My prediction: we'll go back to calling it "The Internet". Case closed.

2) As everyone gets busier, we'll see a sharp increase in multi-tasking solutions. A GOOD example would be a computer monitor screen which was actually the front of a microwave so you could cook and surf the web at the same time. It would have a digital radio built in so you can program in 3min of BBC Surrey on a defrost setting AND blog your experiences all at the same time.

Combine that with timing saving meal-replacement drinks like Milork and you've saved yourself MINUTES every day.

Imagine this connected to the internet and running Office XP: you're most of the way there.

My prediction: we'll all be doing it, so get ahead of the game and join the intelligentsia. I believe you could easily make one right NOW using sellotape and a four-way extension plug.

3) My boiler will be replaced. There's no debate about this - it REALLY needs to be done. Herman just wears two sweaters over his shirt and vest but this is NOT a good look for the season (according to the Mail on Sunday). You're better of wearing autumn tones and getting a good central heating system.

My prediction: a gas fitter will do it, rather than a plumber. Case closed.

4) I had a dream last night that I had a lion in my hall and the only way to kill it was to throw bottles of spirits at it hard so they broke, and then throw matches at the booze. Eventually it died but it was a TERRIFYING dream. No-one wants a lion in their hall.

I don't know what this means, but I interpreted it as the lion symbolising ITV (rubbish), the alcohol was advertising revenue (much-needed) and the matches were viewers. Again, it doesn't logically follow, but neither does the dream.

My prediction: there will be a lot more RUBBISH programmes on ITV before we get any good ones. I predict another nine months of reality rubbish before we see perennial favourites like Morse, Cracker, Spender and Trotter making a long-overdue comeback.

5) Ha ha! I just realised that Trotter isn't a tv detective! So picture this: Rodney dies abroad and Del Boy becomes a Peckham-based cockney private detective (called Trotter). While always solving the weekly case (missing fruit-machines, veg stolen from market stalls etc) he never solves the case of how Rodney died. So he always says "This time next year, I'll solve that case".
My prediction: this is a great idea.

This idea is 5 stars *****, so if anyone wants to make it, I want my name BIG in the credits AND some money.

I've organised the internet

Happy New Year AND hello, bloglookers.

I've been disconnected from the internet for what feels like a long time but was actually just a middle amount of time. Did I miss anything on the internet? My chair has wheels on it and I rolled over my dial-up modem and crushed it on Christmas Eve. Ruined. No internet for two weeks. I can't imagine how the Scots manage (someone check this for me).

My husband thought he could fix the modem but all he did was open it then put it in the bin. Typical. It's taken him this long to buy a new one.

There's a HUGE amount of blogging to be done to clear the Christmas backlog (or backBLOG).

In short, Herman didn't wear his man-blouse on Christmas day after he found it to be the cause of the massive and painful static shocks he'd been getting hourly since buying it. He was standing close to the Christmas tree lights and a fork of electricty arc-ed across his front, so we had visual proof of the cause. The smell was BAD but the outcome was GOOD.

I took the blouse off his body while he was unconscious and told him that it had vaporised when he woke up. He's not sharp so he didn't "do the maths". Fortunately, he's also fickle in his fashion tastes and has been wearing a butch chunky-knit sweater ever since.

If I was on television a lot, I would definitely make an effort to shed the pounds. That said, I enjoyed the Vicar of Dibley and I'm NOT in the public eye, so it doesn't matter on either count.

Other television I watched over the holiday period was:
Eastenders: predictable but dull - 2 stars **
Vicar of Dibley: see above - 4 stars **** ha ha!
Dr Who: impenetrable - 1 star *
Watership Down: a GREAT video - 4 stars **** (due for a remake, technically it's abysmal)
Jools Holland's Hoot Party: amateurish and on far too late. 2 stars **
John Carpenter's The Thing: terrifying. I don't know why ANYONE would want to own this - zero stars 0*

Actually, there wasn't much of a backblog at all.

I've been organising my side of the internet, and you can look at it here. So far, no-one has replied to any of my emails about what I think of their website, but I'll DEFINITELY post up a reply if I get one. If you want me to criticise your website, I'll probably come across it quite soon so do NOT bother to let me know about it.

If you rub the "2" from 2007 off any calendars, letters, magazines, bills, food sell-by-dates etc you get 007 and this makes it look like you have a spy connection!

I need to go to the tip AND the shops.