Writing the best blog on the internet

Hello blog readeradmirers!

As a beacon of best practice in both advertising AND in writing a great blog, I've been receiving almost a MILLION requests for advice on how I write the best blog on the internet.

If you're thinking of starting a blog or already have a blog but it's rubbish, these tips will DEFINITELY put you on the road to success and give you a good brand rep.

1) If you've got nothing to say, stop taking up space on the internet. It's big but it's NOT big enough for all of us. It can also create unwanted attention from the press. The Dorking Advertiser seems to have taken a morbid curiosity in my every movement lately.

2) A LOT of people are stupid (I can think of four people I've talked to already today who DEFINITELY fit into this category). If you want the thickies to understand you, it's a GREAT idea to use capital letters to highlight important words. It works and it gives you STANDOUT from the herd, which is the main thing.

3) I like to eat when I'm watching the internet, so make sure you've been shopping before starting anything else. Hotdogs are good and so is mash. Herring, soft-boiled eggs and ANYTHING in syrup is bad. I dropped tinned fruit salad on my keyboard once and, although it didn't damage the function, typing is now an unpleasantly 'tacky' experience.

4) Only write about key information. No-one wants to read an unfocussed ramble about new developments in amateur radio receivers, even if a family member wants to see it on the internet. This really is the golden rule and I wish I'd made it number one.

5) Be prepared to change your mind. EVERYONE jumped on the Paul Simon bandwagon in 2006 with the monster smash 'Graceland' but a few dinner parties later it definitely lost it's appeal. Don't set anything in stone and always use phrases like "Graceland is probably the greatest musical experience of my life", rather than "Graceland is DEFINITELY 100% the five star musical experience of my life".

6) I've been burned by this before.

7) I've just remembered that I took one of our dining room chairs into the garden before Christmas and it's STILL there. It'll be absolutely ruined (if it's even still there).

8) Also, I took a sausage and nut paella over to Carols' house for her New Year's eve party and she's STILL got the casserole dish (probably unwashed), which is typical of her. The food was a big hit though, despite the rice being on the 'rare' side (ie crunchy). It doesn't matter as long as you drink the right ratio of water though as it continues to cook in the heat of your stomach.

(I imagine. Do NOT quote this as medical advice OR cooking advice as I am not a professional doctor nor a professional cook. If pressed, I would describe myself as an enthusiast amateur at both).

9) I can't remember why I'm numbering my paragraphs but if I ever archive my memoirs it will be very useful. NOTE: this could also be a GREAT way to organise a spice rack. A number of restaurants use numbers to organise their menus, so this is a logical progression.