Something rotten for BIG cash = coffee + bacon

Smell my coffee: it's "in vogue" to offer someone exactly £100,000 to do something rotten.

Big Brother gives you cash for eating nothing but rice and cider for MONTHS, and The Apprentice gives it to you for agreeing to work in Essex for a year.

You can get on board NOW and come up with your own programme before it goes "bandwagon up" by using the following chain of logic-think:

• What rubbish job would you have to pay me HARD cash to do (NOT including working at Amstrad - already taken)?
• Are there enough idiots willing to do it for free anyway (usually there are about 2 million)?
• Can I point a camera at it?

If you can answer ALL of these questions truthfully, you've got yourself a WINNER and will soon have to pay an imbecile £100,000 of your savings. The ROI is the MASSIVE feeling of superiority.

Now've you FINALLY woken up and smelled my coffee, you'll DEFINITELY want to know who's delivering the bacon. Learn from this:

My own idea is to get 28 people to stage a pantomime of '2001: A Space Odyssey'. It's set at Christmas and every week someone gets voted off and told they are RUBBISH. The final week will see the winner stage the panto AND play all the parts. They will also have to operate the lighting and do the ushering.

The final prodyction will be abysmal but the ticket sales will already be through the roof (there's the bacon), so that doesn't matter. Also, the reviews in the papers will tell the 'winner' that they are RUBBISH too, which is really what the public wants.

Anyway, I'm quite excited as I LOVE a good panto and I'm DETERMINED that it will make sense of an over-rated and baffling piece of 60s hippy gobbledygook.

Herman still hasn't replaced the gripper rods poking through our carpets but I will NOT pay him £100,000 to do this, despite unsubtle hints and it 100% being a rotten job. It's LITERALLY his funeral as well as mine though - our feet are bearing the brunt of a matrimonial DIY stand-off and we're DEAD out of plasters.

Thank you to EVERYONE who emailed me with messages of support for getting over my cold. They did NOT help but the thought demonstrated good manners which is a LOT more useful, in many ways.

No-one else bother though, my inbox is full of rubbish like this from well-wishers. I just delete the lot.

My illness is OFFICIALLY rated as 'stinker'

The HOT news in advertising at the moment is that I've had a cold for the last five days. If you were to grade it using the standard Belmot Illness Scale (BIS) from 'sniffles' to 'loss of life', it would DEFINITELY rate as 'stinker'.



If you've got SHARP eyes, you'll notice that the diagnosis briefly became 'malevolent'. This happened when I stubbed my toe and EVERYTHING felt bad for three minutes and seven seconds. I had the foresight to time it with my stopwatch.


Herman refused to sleep in the 'contagion ward' (our bedroom) and decided to sleep in a fort under the dining table using cushions from the sofa and two table-cloths. He's been there since last Friday and is having the time of his life. I literally DREAD to think about the state of the cushion covers. They'll have been on the floor and "all sorts".

Anyway, it's not appropriate for a man of his age but, every time I try to tell him this, he rings a hand bell and moans "Unclean". The last few times he's also put washing up gloves on and tied a tea-towel over his mouth while pointing at me.

The tea-towel is FILTHY so the last laugh may be on me. We don't know yet. History will have to resolve this one (again).

Other Belmot scales you can buy for BIG money include:

• Belmot Hunger Scale ('peckish' to 'insatiable beyond all comprehension')
• Belmot Walking Speed Scale ('stopped' to 'unreasonably quick')
• Belmot Visitor Scale ('grudgingly welcome' to 'offensive intrustion')
• Belmot Height Scale ('small' to '10')

To the untrained idiot these scales have NO value at all, but I can 100% GUARANTEE that most business would benefit from using defined gradings such as these. For example, I ALWAYS tell every visitor what their BVS rating was when they leave.

They also receive a computer print-out of food consumed during their stay, electricity used and an above-average-guess at how much water they 'used' in the bathroom.

It's stats like these that will DEFINITELY set you above the common herd. Be the BEST you can be with a Belmot Scale.

It will DEFINITELY cost you £20 for a set.

Do NOT alarm your GP with Snouty Pig Rot

Stop press and START blog!

The good news is that offal consumption in Dorking has gone through the roof as a DIRECT result of my advertising campaign. This is NOT true of Dorking as a whole, but is DEFINITELY true of my house which is a representative sample which is IN Dorking.

If you multiply the results of my literally in-house survey by a million, I can say with confidence that the WHOLE of Dorking has eaten offal for every meal for the last five days. I don't see Saatchi & Saatchi churning out that kind of quality day after day. FACT.

If someone bothered to run an award ceremony for people who made EFFECTIVE rather than RUBBISH advertising, I'd be at the top of the tree collecting a big medal.

Hint: someone set up a ceremony and I'll win it for you.

Anyway, the bad news is that there's been some "fallout". The butcher groans and smacks his head when I walk in now. He must be making a fortune off me so he can shut up, though. My fridge is LITERALLY elbow-to-elbow with non-choice cuts of un-prime meat.

If you look in there, it's like feeding time at the petting zoo, except EATING the animals rather than feeding them oats.

I must buy oats.

Herman has been voicing concerns about getting a "spongey-cow-brain like he got in the 90s" but he hasn't done the maths as most of our offal is from pigs. If anything, he'll get snouty-pig-rot.

This may not exist, so don't alarm your GP by asking for it just yet. You may have to bide your time.

On the menu for tonight we've got:

• Liver and kidney cocktail for starters (like a prawn cocktail with lettuce and salad cream, not a boozey drink)
• Boiled 'farmyard delight' for main course (just hooves and heads - nothing like Angel Delight)
• Tripe sorbet for pudding. It tastes better than it looks. It's what I'd describe as an 'effluent' brown colour and doesn't freeze very well.

We've also been DRINKING liver and kidney cocktails, which are blended offal mixed with lashings of advocaat. It's summery AND packed with protein. I call it a 'Belmot Barnyard Bracer' as it delivers a WHACKING squeeze to your heart and lungs when you drink it and it's full of animal vitamins, such as pig and chicken.

If you drink it in the morning, it becomes a "smoothie". I DON'T know why.

DON'T forget the offal, Mummy

Blog-a-log-a-gog! (just checking)
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This is the picture of my dog I promised before, which must be a nasty knock to all those people who emailed in to call me a LIAR for saying that I DIDN'T had a photo of him.

I often think in SHARP equations, like a computer or some science, as it's the most efficient way of getting things done. Keep up and try to understand this piece of brain calculus:
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Global warming = going up
Resources = going down
Waste also = going up
Solution = don't waste stuff
Maths = done
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That's where an AVERAGE thinker would come to a halt but I've gone TWO better. One better for thinking of something, and then ANOTHER one better for thinking how to advertise it.

What's the most wasted resource anywhere? It's animals, so don't bother emailing any poorly-thought through suggestions. I do NOT need them.
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I've already uncovered the CRIMINAL wastage of animals as advertising space, but also let's think about them as a source of FOOD for once. Come on! We all eat chops and burgers, but what about the muck that's left? We should be eating that too.
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You'll find it's called "offal" if you've read this sentence, and it's all the slop you generally DON'T want to eat, like kidneys, liver, lungs and heads.

So the REAL equation here is: eating offal = saving the planet.
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It's a OBVIOUS that no-one would eat this waste even if you paid them, so that's where advertising HAS to come in. Using GREAT advertising campaigns, we can basically hypnotise people into eating tripe. Case closed, which is good news for the ice caps!
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Here's just TWO campaigns I've already brainstorm-thought of which puts me AHEAD of the game and probably a shoo-in for a New Years Honour from The Queen.

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Campaign 1: Change the words in all hymn books for 'All Creatures Great & Small' to this:

All things bright and beautiful, all creatures great and small

All things wise and wonderful, they're full of tasty OFFAL

Then make that the theme for a TV ad featuring beefy Botham (obvious) and Alan Wicker (he's covered in liver spots - that's the connection).

Campaign 2: Back up the TV ads by putting this poster LITERALLY everywhere:

The Vegetarian Society will go bananas if they see this. I took the picture from their website.

I will talk about offal ANOTHER day

Today there are TWO issues at stake, or steak! Ha ha! This will become funny AFTER you've read my blog, so come back to the top once you've finished to enjoy a good belly laugh.

Actually there's only ONE real issue at stake (steak) and that's me needing to get fit QUICK (don't ask why). I had a BLISTERING disagreement with my husband about it which mainly went:

• I think jogging on my own would be DULL and want to buy a new dog to run with.
• Herman can't see past the issue of cleaning up dog p** to realise that dog jogging would be GREAT fun.
• He's an idiot who only thinks of himself.

Anyway, it all came to a head at Derek's dinner party on Saturday when Herman asked Derek if he would let Carol go dogging. Derek has big eyes at the best of times but they bulged as big as PLATES when he said this. The man should have a doctor on standby round-the-clock.

Anyway, Carol said she didn't have the right shoes for it, so NO-ONE got a proper answer. Also, this wasn't a surprise as Carol NEVER has the right clothing for anything. I'm CONVINCED she was wearing salopettes under her blouse over the last Bank Holiday. This would instantly account for the sweating we ALL had to put up with.

The final upshot is that I'm STILL not achieving maximum fitness and there's no dog on the horizon either (except for Sheppo's grave at the end of the garden).

Conclusion = DON'T go back to the top to get the belly laugh I promised at the beginning as I haven't talked about offal yet. I'll do that tomorrow.

If you can't wait, it's a play on words with steak being similar to offal. I want to find a picture of my OLD dog (Sheppo) before writing about this though. When he was alive he would make MINCEMEAT out of you, which will tie in 100% with the offal post.

Also, all this talk of offal will make sense when I DO blog about it, so be receptive to offal-related advertising within 48 hours of reading this.

Terrible development in music

As regular readers will know for definite, I ONLY talk about great innovations I've developed in advertising. It's what I'm GREAT at and what people need from me.

Unfortunately, today's bulletin is about a TERRIBLE new development in music. Since bonding an Essential Garage music compilation into our stero, my husband has been influenced EASILY and is now 'urban'.

This means that he's CONSTANTLY wearing his hat backwards and refuses to remove it, even for 'hygiene' purposes. The situation is aggravated by him only owning an old bowler hat from the 70s, so the back is identical to the front to the untrained eye. Therefore = NOT urban at all.

He also claims to have invented an off-shoot of garage music, which he has so far branded 'shed' music. It basically involves him standing in his shed tapping a rhythm on a rusty colander with a garden trowel and 'rapping' over the din. The level of articulation is woefully and his rhymes are lack-lustre, in my opinion.

He's planning to transmit a performance tonight using his amateur radio equipment, so MY advice is to steer WELL clear of the airwaves between 7pm and 7.15pm. He runs out of steam quickly, but his enthusiasm makes him reckless on the microphone.

This morning he rhymed "I like my booties fat" with "I can see a tub of paraquat".

The garage is bonded into the stereo

Unless you're reading my blog and are simulataneously sat outside my house, you will NOT realise that the noise here is unbearable. If you are outside my house, you won't be able to think, so just keep an eye out for thieves for me, then move on.

Since Saturday, the neighbourhood has been 'treated' to Essential Garage 15, a CD which Herman got from Woolworths for £2 (although worth a lot LESS). I will NOT describe how Herman dances when this rubbish is on the stereo because it's both sordid and confusing.

Just when you think he's about to move his body in one direction, it goes in a different but equally unpleasantly-suggestive one.

Through a BAD combination of Unibond 'No More Nails' and Herman's impulse music buying, we now have a garage CD bonded into the stereo and stuck on full volume. The din is literally too loud for anyone to listen to. Fortunately, it's rhythmic so it's VERY easy to fall asleep to. Both Herman and myself have been napping almost constantly.

The silver lining is that Herman had originally gone to Woolworths for a 48-sided dice, so maybe his Dungeons & Dragons impulses have literally been put in the 'garage'! Ha ha!

I just wish he would stop telling everyone that he's "the only terminator on the mic" and "other MCs need to take a fright". He's been on the phone all morning.

The noise really is beyond comprehension and the speakers are SUFFERING. You can't fault Unibond though - their product is astonishingly strong. That's a five star***** product review.

Microsoft Paint has blown my trumpet VISUALLY

Ha ha! Your eyes aren't lying through their teeth at you! This is my ALL NEW look blog! It's STILL the ONLY place on the internet for great advertising advice but now it also incorporates great eye sweets and also still maintains my personal high standards of internet tidyness. I planned and executed the design myself using MS Paint and it looks GREAT. Trumpet = blown.

If you want me to provide cutting edge internet designs for YOUR website, I will DEFINITELY do it and my fee will almost CERTAINLY be high. I need the cash. Don't let this put you off, though. An original Belmot piece of art will draw punters in like moths to a raging inferno. You'll soon see the bacon.

I've had a LOT of interest in my branded livestock but the quality of the interest has been bad. Frankly, the quality of the questions has been rotten to the core.

To answer the most common asked questions (CAQs) so you do NOT have to ask me constantly:

1) I do NOT have a pen of pre-branded cattle for anyone to buy. Don't send money first and think about what you've done second. You'll regret it.
2) I do NOT have any special knowledge of what to feed branded livestock, but mince and oats would be a GOOD start. Ink, if appropriate to the advert.
3) Yes - Bovril is practically identical to Marmite.
4) I have NO idea how much range a wireless router would have across arable land.
5) Ham, bacon, 'pudding', chorizo, trotters and ears. This varies depending on the country you are in. Some people will eat ANYTHING.

I hope that FINALLY stops the phone ringing around the clock.

Here's some FREE advice which is actually worth something (send money if you use it). If Alan Sugar rolls into your office on his big chair and says "You're fired", turn around and say "No, YOU'RE fired" then give him a look as if you know something he doesn't.

You'll still be fired, but you'll have unsettled the flump-bothering flump (FBF).

Predictions for the Bank Holiday:

• Windmills are BACK in vogue. If you don't own one, start saving and lying about owning one NOW.
• Herman will replace the carpet gripper rods. This is more of a hope than a prediction. Everywhere we walk in the house, razor-sharp pins stick up through the carpets. The place is literally a minefield.
• Derek and Carol will suggest a barbeque and THEN suggest that we have it and THEN suggest that Derek only likes burgers. This is now practically an annual occurrence and I could set my clock by it. The pair of them have the manners of un-branded goats.

Start farmers advertising NOW

Look at this picture. It's the MOST obvious way for British farmers to increase revenue streams (much needed) AND make the countryside a more interesting place to visit (much more needed - the place is literally as dull as a ditch most of the time).

There's a LOT of whinging from farming circles about having to get up early to milk cows, the price of new wellies and the EU forcing down their profit margins. Solution = sell space on the side of your cattle to outdoor advertisers.

If you're a farmer and you've got broadband on your farm, you could probably sell this as DIGITAL outdoor advertising (one of the best types). No-one in an advertising agency will know the difference so you will be QUIDS in.

Imagine a whole FIELD full of sheep running around, subliminally telling you to drink Bovril. Shares of beefy drinks would go through the roof. Paint the same message on cows and you've built a COMPELLING argument.

Other winning product/livestock combinations would be:

• Pigs - Only Fools & Horses DVDs (it's the trotter connection, if you're thick)
• Hamsters - chorizo
• Skunks - traffic safety adverts (they look a bit like roads)
• Tigers - colonial-style rug adverts
• Spiders - any national newspaper, but sold in a pre-rolled ready-for-spider-killing format
• Bears - full-size cinema posters. Mostly because they're big enough to carry them

If I was a farmer and I reared any of the above animals, I would get painting slogans NOW! You can always invoice AFTER you've seen the ROI. It's what I do all the time.