Microsoft Paint has blown my trumpet VISUALLY

Ha ha! Your eyes aren't lying through their teeth at you! This is my ALL NEW look blog! It's STILL the ONLY place on the internet for great advertising advice but now it also incorporates great eye sweets and also still maintains my personal high standards of internet tidyness. I planned and executed the design myself using MS Paint and it looks GREAT. Trumpet = blown.

If you want me to provide cutting edge internet designs for YOUR website, I will DEFINITELY do it and my fee will almost CERTAINLY be high. I need the cash. Don't let this put you off, though. An original Belmot piece of art will draw punters in like moths to a raging inferno. You'll soon see the bacon.

I've had a LOT of interest in my branded livestock but the quality of the interest has been bad. Frankly, the quality of the questions has been rotten to the core.

To answer the most common asked questions (CAQs) so you do NOT have to ask me constantly:

1) I do NOT have a pen of pre-branded cattle for anyone to buy. Don't send money first and think about what you've done second. You'll regret it.
2) I do NOT have any special knowledge of what to feed branded livestock, but mince and oats would be a GOOD start. Ink, if appropriate to the advert.
3) Yes - Bovril is practically identical to Marmite.
4) I have NO idea how much range a wireless router would have across arable land.
5) Ham, bacon, 'pudding', chorizo, trotters and ears. This varies depending on the country you are in. Some people will eat ANYTHING.

I hope that FINALLY stops the phone ringing around the clock.

Here's some FREE advice which is actually worth something (send money if you use it). If Alan Sugar rolls into your office on his big chair and says "You're fired", turn around and say "No, YOU'RE fired" then give him a look as if you know something he doesn't.

You'll still be fired, but you'll have unsettled the flump-bothering flump (FBF).

Predictions for the Bank Holiday:

• Windmills are BACK in vogue. If you don't own one, start saving and lying about owning one NOW.
• Herman will replace the carpet gripper rods. This is more of a hope than a prediction. Everywhere we walk in the house, razor-sharp pins stick up through the carpets. The place is literally a minefield.
• Derek and Carol will suggest a barbeque and THEN suggest that we have it and THEN suggest that Derek only likes burgers. This is now practically an annual occurrence and I could set my clock by it. The pair of them have the manners of un-branded goats.