I need a stain remover I can count on

Blog-a-log-a-GROG!

Ha ha! Did you see the last part of that word? It's GROG! I've spent the last three or four days working on my special recipe for mulled wine to make sure I've got it 100% perfect in time for December 1st. The house now REEKS like the floor of a cross-channel ferry, but in a good way.

I've also been experimenting with a form of mulled champagne which fizzes. Herman has told me a NUMBER of times that it can't be champagne because that's the name of the region. He's been calling it mulled dorking which is either a great brand opportunity or a REAL brand no-no.

Essentially I put mulled wine in my Soda Stream and drink what comes out. Is this how real champagne is made?

I'm NOT going to give you the final recipe for my mulled wine so DON'T ask, but I can GUARANTEE that it is EXCELLENT. As a clue, some of the ingredients include:

• Butter
• Marzipan
• Mashed figs
• Various pickles and curd

And that's just for starters!

On the down side, having four pans of wine simmering on the hob for days on end has left EVERY window in the house dripping with condensation. The fumes are unbearable but I've had some VERY productive dreams/waking hallucinations about advertising strategies. eg a pie with an advert in the middle but the pie is a fruit from a tree. Interesting, eh? Picking the fruit/pie activates a PayPal account and logs you onto eBay (somehow).

Incidentally, the airing cupboard is also ruined as I'd been storing the mulled dorking in there and a lot of it exploded. All the towels are seeped in the muck.

I've decided to brand the mulled wine "Janet's Jingle-All-The-Way Juice" - it sounds Christmassy and tells the truth concisely (the secret of great advertising).

Finally, I continue to be RIGHT and ahead of my time.

Back in early Novemember, I predicted that David Jason may have ruined his career. Then today I saw a headline essentially predicting the SAME thing here but THREE WEEKS late. Hurry up!

I am no longer embarrassed about my level of insight AND foresight, as this really is my profession now.

Finally for the second time, does anyone know if Vanish or Stain Devil is better? A LOT of furnishings are ruined.

Dorking could be on a map

I'm REALLY getting to grips with a new CAD (computer-aided-design) package I've found on my computer. Here's a picture I made demonstrating someone using the music facility of a FlyPod whilst re-fuelling the aeroplane facility.

I am DEFINITELY aware of two drawbacks of my initial FlyPod design:

1) The headphones have to be connected on the OUTSIDE of the aeroplane. This is potentially dangerous and could cause fatalities. I'm not sure how to get round this.

2) If you activate the portability function (ie start the aeroplane), it will be impossible to hear your songs. This is not fatal, but is DEFINITELY a flaw. Again, I'm unclear on the best way to get round this without compromising the portability function.

I've been literally inundated with someone wishing me a merry X. If YOU want to wish me a merry X as well, then feel free. I haven't yet received any real Chrsitmas cards, DESPITE having sent out all of mine at the end of October. I might re-send another batch at the start of December to trigger everyone's memories.

It's not a personal choice when you don't return cards - it's bad manners and could SPOIL Christmas. Don't be selfish this year (hint: Carol and John!).

Apparently there's a lot of pictures of earth taken from space which show where you are and EVERYONE likes looking at them. This made me have a GREAT idea.

In the future, town planners should plan roads so that they spell out the name of the town. For example, Dorking would be great because both the 'D' and the 'O' could be ring roads (currently a disgrace) and the rest of the letters could be residential areas. The 'i' would be the high street.

I'd use a dual carriageway to underline the name of your town if you wanted 'standout' from the common towns.

For the 'human interest' part of this blog I thought I'd let you know that Herman has decided to buy some new clothes. It's about time! He looks like a FOOL a lot of the time.

Visual Representation of My Spirit

I am here again, blogreaderlovers.

I've been (appropriately) SNOWED UNDER with requests from people asking how Christmassy I feel at given points in the year. Hopefully this graph will clear things up AND put it on record once and for all.

You should be able to work out that I'm feeling very festive right NOW. But that will be NOTHING compared to how festive I'll feel on Christmas Eve itself!

The summer is a big waste of time as far as Christmas is concerned. Rubbish. I just wait until September when the decorations come out again!

I haven't done any more work on my forthcoming film yet apart from thinking of some clothes for the actors to wear.

The lobby MUST be PLUSH

Blog-a-log-a-bog!

I'm thinking of using the above as a new and bespoke way of saying hello to all YOU blog readers from now and for the future. What do you think? I used it on the woman in the Post Office (not impressed), the postman (anxious) and a check-out boy in Budgens (confused).

As you can see, the reaction has so far been poor but maybe I polled too many postal workers? I'll keep it up for a few months and let you know what the reaction is.

I made a fish casserole at the weekend but no-one wanted it. Herman said it was too brackish. He's clearly in a mood since I stopped giving him Milork. It's just as well though: he hadn't passed a solid stool the WHOLE TIME he was drinking it. Also, the rough skin (or hide) on his flanks and butt*cks has begun to clear up. If Nesquik want the recipe, they can keep it!

I was staring at the computer keyboard earlier and invented the FlyPod. It's a big white aeroplane (normal so far!) but you can plug headphones into it and listen to your music as well.

Then I thought: "It's not portable"
Then I thought "By DEFINITION it is!"
Then I thought: "Good"

I'm glad that's cleared up. Although the weather doesn't agree with my body (cold and damp) it DOES seem to agree with my BRAIN as I've been thinking of a million things, often at the same time, and all of them are new.

For example, I thought of a new film called 'Small Trouble in Big China'. Kurt Russell would play an obnoxious, fat American tourist who tries to check in at a hotel in China. Goldie Hawn plays a vapid, blonde Chinese receptionist and has lost his booking. Inevitably, there's a big argument in the hotel lobby. I can REALLY picture this scene. There would be porters and other guests in the background and the carpet would be PLUSH!

That's all I've got at the moment. If it was on tv, they should show adverts for Chinese restaurants and holiday hotels, to capitalise on viewers being 'in the mood' for China.

As mentioned above, I think the key to a good hotel romance comedy thriller (Hote-rom), is to establish a very plush lobby.

Music should be mainly Chinese until the big chase scene when it should be 'Don't Go Breaking My Heart' by Elton and Keekkee Dee. Also, if Kurt has to lose weight in the hotel gym, they should use 'Albatross' by Fleetwood Mac.

Anyway, blog-a-pog-a-gog (the new goodbye).

That sounded Welsh. Ha ha ha!

England, war and diet tips

Hello blogreaders!

Just to be clear about an earlier post, the internet is on all the time in England. I haven't been able to test the internet in other countries so regional variations may apply. I would be VERY surprised if North Scotland, for example, needed the internet 24hrs a day.

Where else doesn't need things that the rest of us DEFINITELY need?

Resurrecting a VERY old but popular favourite, here is my daily food intake for Wednesday 8th November:
Weetabix with semi-skimmed milk for breakfast.
Quiche and salad for lunch. The quiche was too stodgy and NOT pleasant. I had 1 pint of Vimto with both meals.
I'm planning to microwave some beef for dinner and have it with baked beans and bread + butter. I will probably have Vimto again (1 pint).

If you are a chubby captain of industry (Martin!), you should eat LESS than this if you want to lose weight.

There is a LOT of talk in the "media" at the moment about people being fat. No one likes to be laughed at, so it's high time either the government or the future King did something about this. If there were better options for people to eat (Fatless Vimto, Diet Weetabix and Beef MAX) then we'd all be less portly.

When oh when are food companies going to WAKE UP and do something about this? And when will the government OR the royal family take note? They're in charge of us, after all.

If vending machines sold ONLY diet food, we'd have no option so that would 100% work. Come on! Someone do something!

My husband thinks national service would help but this is a short-term solution and only works if there's a war on. (Is there a war on?).

Actually, the last good war involved rationing of food, so maybe he's RIGHT for once.

Some guaranteed-to-work diet tips if you're tubby are:

• Try to only eat food with the word 'diet' in front of it
• Only reserve ONE space at the dinner table (Martin!)
• Buy veg and eat it for once in your life
• Eat less than you currently do (this is a DEAD cert)

David Jason may have RUINED his career

It's official. The internet is open ALL the time!

I have barely slept a wink ALL weekend and my eyes are really quite stingy this morning. It's been exciting beyond adjectives!

Next time I go through the night on the internet, I'll be using the following 'best practice' guidelines which I STRONGLY recommend you use too:

1. Set an alarm clock to go off at hourly intervals so you remember to go to the toilet. I didn't go for nearly seven hours and I REALLY regretted it later.
2. Make sure your kitchen is clean BEFORE you start. I went in there this morning and it's a disgrace. The washing up hasn't been done since Friday and there were two flies near the dustbin.
3. If you have a dependent (eg husband, child), make sure they can feed themselves. If it hadn't been for Rich Tea biscuits, I don't think Herman would have had a single meal since Friday. As it is, I've barely eaten for two days but it was definitely worth it.

As you can imagine, it's been VERY hectic all weekend long. I meant to start work on my Christmas shopping planner (fail to plan = plan to fail = FAIL) but never managed to get round to it. I don't know what to buy anyone but I know where I'll be looking! The ALL-NIGHT internet. Ha ha!

In case anyone wants to know what's at the top of MY list, it's a copy of the Pina Colada song. I can't get it out of my head! It starts off sad, get's 'raunchy' and then ends up happy; all with an excellent meoldy:

"If you like pina coladas (dum be dum DUM) and getting caught in the rain (dum be dum DUM)".

I don't know why Pina Colada makers haven't already used this song in a tv advert to sell more. I've had a hankering for one all morning JUST because of the song. That's what I call return on investment!

Apparently David Jason is already booked to do a Christmas fantasy TV show which ISN'T a Harry Potter spin-off with Robbie Coltrane where they play old versions of themselves. Only time will judge if this breaks or ruins his career, but I PERSONALLY think it is a bad move.

Unless Lyndhurst is involved, in which case get ready for it to be BRILLIANT! I can't wait!

This is INCREDIBLY GOOD

I can't believe it! Look at the time! It's 10.02pm AT NIGHT!

I didn't know that the internet stayed open this late. I'm going to check some other websites to see if they're open too. I'll let you know the results.

This could open a whole new world up if this is how it's going to be from now on.

Is there anyone ELSE here at this time of night? I feel sleepy but EXCITED!

Burnt by Espionage

Hello blogwatchers!

After the runaway success of Milork, I decided to go straight to the organ grinder's mouth and emailed Nesquik with details. I did NOT disclose the recipe as I've been burnt by industrial espionage before. Mainly in Dorking but sometimes further afield.

"Hello,

I am a professional freelance marketing consultant and believe that I've developed a new product which you may be interested in.

Following the rise of health awareness and the success of brands such as Innocent who provide your recommended daily intake of fruit and vegetables in one drink, I have developed a similar product currently under the working name of 'Milork' (pronounced MILL-ork).

Nutritionally devised to provide the drinker with their RDA of calcium, protein and meat, Milork is a drink which combines the calcium-enriched goodness of milk with the lean meat protein aspects of fresh pork.

I have begun to market it as a cool refreshment AND as a warm, bedtime drink for adults and children alike. It provides a turnkey solution to hitting daily food targets.

If you would be interested in discussing further, please contact me at the above address.
Best regards,
Janet Belmot (Mrs)"

I sent this well over a week ago and have NOT yet had a reply. I'm assuming one of two outcomes:
1) They are currently developing their own brand of Milork (worst case scenario)
2) They are looking into the science behind my claim before making me a juicy offer (best case scenario)

Herman has had the runs for nearly a full week now, but he's insisted on Milork as a breakfast AND bedtime drink every day since the first batch was made!

I'm worried about a patch of hard skin that has formed across his back and butt*ck% but he thinks it will be needed when the weather gets colder.

I'll post a picture when the camera turns up.