I need a stain remover I can count on

Blog-a-log-a-GROG!

Ha ha! Did you see the last part of that word? It's GROG! I've spent the last three or four days working on my special recipe for mulled wine to make sure I've got it 100% perfect in time for December 1st. The house now REEKS like the floor of a cross-channel ferry, but in a good way.

I've also been experimenting with a form of mulled champagne which fizzes. Herman has told me a NUMBER of times that it can't be champagne because that's the name of the region. He's been calling it mulled dorking which is either a great brand opportunity or a REAL brand no-no.

Essentially I put mulled wine in my Soda Stream and drink what comes out. Is this how real champagne is made?

I'm NOT going to give you the final recipe for my mulled wine so DON'T ask, but I can GUARANTEE that it is EXCELLENT. As a clue, some of the ingredients include:

• Butter
• Marzipan
• Mashed figs
• Various pickles and curd

And that's just for starters!

On the down side, having four pans of wine simmering on the hob for days on end has left EVERY window in the house dripping with condensation. The fumes are unbearable but I've had some VERY productive dreams/waking hallucinations about advertising strategies. eg a pie with an advert in the middle but the pie is a fruit from a tree. Interesting, eh? Picking the fruit/pie activates a PayPal account and logs you onto eBay (somehow).

Incidentally, the airing cupboard is also ruined as I'd been storing the mulled dorking in there and a lot of it exploded. All the towels are seeped in the muck.

I've decided to brand the mulled wine "Janet's Jingle-All-The-Way Juice" - it sounds Christmassy and tells the truth concisely (the secret of great advertising).

Finally, I continue to be RIGHT and ahead of my time.

Back in early Novemember, I predicted that David Jason may have ruined his career. Then today I saw a headline essentially predicting the SAME thing here but THREE WEEKS late. Hurry up!

I am no longer embarrassed about my level of insight AND foresight, as this really is my profession now.

Finally for the second time, does anyone know if Vanish or Stain Devil is better? A LOT of furnishings are ruined.