I'm down with the children

Everyone old knows that eating burgers is a lot of fun.

But are we doing enough to raise awareness of burger and chips as a FUN alternative to regular food for kids? NO chance. There's a very real possibility that kids are ignoring or avoiding YUMMY food.

And who's getting the finger of blame jabbed in its face for this MASSIVE failure? Advertising, that's who.

Strap in and brace for the impact - here comes the insight-solution.

McDonalds should rebrand as a children's catering company. My key strategy to achieving this is to ditch the nightmarish clown that's plagued their advertising for years. Instead they need to be "down with the children" and get a new brand spokesman. I give you MC Donald:

He's a blinged-out rapper, dropping funky rhymes and full of FLAVA (rap for flavour, which is appropriate in a restaurant context. Inappropriate elsewhere).

He's also got the head of Donald Sinden which gives him a commanding and clear voice with which to disseminate brand messages.

This idea is so hot you could griddle chicken on it, so I DEFINITELY want cash up front this time. I've already contacted Donald Sinden to make sure he doesn't "slag" me on the deal.

Protect yourself with social media

Hi gang! Blog-a-log-a-gog!

The media is mostly made up of hysterical stress-mongers convinced that the internet is rife with burglars scrutinising your every Facebook update to check whether your house is occupied or not.

This may well be the case.

However, only a stupid boot would tell the world things like "On holiday for 2 weeks. Valuables stuffed in all the toilet cisterns".

If you're still living in a state of panicked bewilderment, just follow my five point plan to using social media as a weapon against the thieving classes:

1. Make every status update "At home. Door double-locked. Alsatians loose in the yard. Guns loaded and within reach. Chief of Police popping round ANY MINUTE NOW"

2. Post up pictures of terrifying fortifications and imply that this is your house (see my picture above). This bungalow has been heavily fortified with TWO howitzers manned by British army soldiers. The grounds are patrolled by wolves and a hippo - I hear they can get well baity.

3. Create a game appp for the iPhone called 'Break Into My House' which shows anyone how to break into your house EXCEPT make the game impossible. Any potential vagabonds will be inflamed with despair and you can rake in the cash. Ha ha!