If the sun won't tan, I will

If I had to describe myself, the first adjectives through the door would DEFINITELY be positive, pro-active and a great resource for top-level advice on ANY subject in English delivered promptly.

It seems that my husband doesn't know me AT ALL because he was completely astonished when I came up with a turnkey solution to help him get a tan while the weather is rubbish. It's this kind of mistrust that makes him an idiot and rots our marriage from the inside.

The genius behind the thinking is that I've combined Herman's two favourite activities (waste-of-time amateur radio hamming and watching "the box") with getting a 'Cat Deeley'-style tan but WITHOUT the need to have his blood transfused from using fake tan.

Basically, I've set up eight angle-poise lamps with 100 watt bulbs in the shed pointing STRAIGHT into Herman's face when he's blathering away to other radio idiots. The light might not do much tanning, but the proximity of the bulbs (about 4cm from his face) should produce enough heat to effectively grill a fabulous tan onto his head.

I've also hooked up two car batterys to the television. The picture is basically un-watchable but the rays coming off the set push out a tanning effect you can feel from across the room, and that's ROI that money can't buy (although literally it can).

We're also keeping all the house lights on 24-hours a day. Our carbon footprint will be a disgrace, but every little helps the tan so do NOT blame me. I probably do more for the environment than you.

So far, no tan has developed and Herman's been complaining about eye strain, headaches and partial blindness. However, the BIG silver lining is that his eyes are starting to turn a milky white colour which will REALLY offset his tan when he finally gets it.