Let me fill the box

There's been nothing but rubbish on the television for days on end, so I've been working overtime coming up with GREAT ideas for new programmes which someone would actually want to watch.

"Fish and Fowl" - a fishmonger and a butcher who solve crime but the butcher is REALLY reluctant. The fishmonger (Darren) has basically got nothing else to do with his time because everyone's using supermarkets. So he turns to crime-solving with FUNNY results. The butcher (Samuel) is the brains. It's set in the 90s and it's got those two from Never the Twain if they're available/alive. First episode features a stabbing by a canal. Uh oh!

"Risen Damp" - a one-off TV special. Basically a funeral wake for Rigsby turns sour when his corpse is exhumed by the police for "tacky" reasons.

"Rappy Days" - Ritchie Cunningham and The Fonz, now living in Surrey, recapture their golden youth by staging a series of vitriolic rap battles in Leatherhead and Horsham. Promotes family values and The Fonz ends EVERY rap by saying "Eee!". You won't find out until the last episode if it's really happening or if the WHOLE series is from the deluded mind of Mr Cunningham, now a senile idiot working the checkout in Homebase. He ran a hardware store in the original series, so he would have transferable skills.

Do NOT be surprised if these turn up in the schedules later this year. If anyone at the BBC or ITV checks their emails today (unlikely), we might even get them next week!

I need to buy more video tapes.

The stench from the shed has now penetrated into the house. If Herman doesn't change his clothes soon, I'll have to hose him down! Ha ha! Like in a zoo!

I'm metaphorically bombing the neighbours - with ADVERTISING!

The neighbours have NOT yet bought in to my latest innovation in advertising, which is their loss for being naysaying fools.

Just when every old-timer will tell you that there's no new way to reach people, I've fitted a new tyre (come up trumps) onto a Honda Civic (the advertising industry) and pulled out of the lay-by (started doing it first before everyone else).

If you can brain-imagine this, it's a cross between television and radio advertising which reaches people NEITHER old-fashioned method currently does.

Basically, when the adverts come on in between programmes of the TV, I turn the volume up to unbearably loud levels, creating an invasive wall of bass-heavy advertising messages penetrating through the brickwork of the house and into neighbouring houses.

If you want a war analogy (most people do) it's less of a targetted sniper shot and more of a carpet bomb technique, indiscriminatly hitting EVERYONE. The great bonus is that it also hits civilians (people walking outside) as well as neighbouring buildings.

Anyway, next-door has complained every day of this week about the noise but I've blamed it on the difference in volume between programmes and ad breaks (VERY probable excuse). They'll feel the ROI when the messages seep into their thick skulls.

As it is, they're complaining to various industry bodies. Ha ha! They will NEVER guess I'm doing it on purpose!

I wanted to get Herman to connect the television to the stereo to reach a wider audience, but he's been slumped face down in the shed for the last three days under his tanning lamps with his radio receiver tuned to static. I don't pretend to understand the appeal of amateur radio, so I've left him to it.

The smell is getting abominable in there. If he wants any dinner, he'll have to "shed" those reeking clothes. Ha ha!

If the sun won't tan, I will

If I had to describe myself, the first adjectives through the door would DEFINITELY be positive, pro-active and a great resource for top-level advice on ANY subject in English delivered promptly.

It seems that my husband doesn't know me AT ALL because he was completely astonished when I came up with a turnkey solution to help him get a tan while the weather is rubbish. It's this kind of mistrust that makes him an idiot and rots our marriage from the inside.

The genius behind the thinking is that I've combined Herman's two favourite activities (waste-of-time amateur radio hamming and watching "the box") with getting a 'Cat Deeley'-style tan but WITHOUT the need to have his blood transfused from using fake tan.

Basically, I've set up eight angle-poise lamps with 100 watt bulbs in the shed pointing STRAIGHT into Herman's face when he's blathering away to other radio idiots. The light might not do much tanning, but the proximity of the bulbs (about 4cm from his face) should produce enough heat to effectively grill a fabulous tan onto his head.

I've also hooked up two car batterys to the television. The picture is basically un-watchable but the rays coming off the set push out a tanning effect you can feel from across the room, and that's ROI that money can't buy (although literally it can).

We're also keeping all the house lights on 24-hours a day. Our carbon footprint will be a disgrace, but every little helps the tan so do NOT blame me. I probably do more for the environment than you.

So far, no tan has developed and Herman's been complaining about eye strain, headaches and partial blindness. However, the BIG silver lining is that his eyes are starting to turn a milky white colour which will REALLY offset his tan when he finally gets it.