Mrs Belmot's Blog!

Mrs Belmot's big bet

2010-01-07T15:04:00.003Z

We all know the advertising industry is BEST when it comes to stealing things off the internet.

It's what puts us ahead of the common herd who simply look at things on the internet.

But how long does it take for an ad agency to steal a lovely piece of creative work?

Have a look at the animation below. I've bet Adverplanner that it'll take four months for someone to find this, claim it as their own idea, and then produce a disgracefully similar piece of creative work with a brand name stapled to it.

Adverplanner has gone out on a limb and bet it will take a mere two months for the theft to broadcast process/crime to happen.

What do you think? Place you bets in the comments section - the prize could be sensational if someone wins!

Mrs Belmot's Christmas party - LOCATION

2009-12-01T10:35:00.005Z

Hi gang!

Everyone is champing at the bit for my Xmas party like a herd of crazed tinsel horses.

Come and nog yourself into the middle of next week at The Perseverance on Weds 2nd December:
63 Lambs Conduit Street,
Bloomsbury,
London,
WC1N 3NB

Yule-tide MP3s have kindly been supplied by Grand High Overlord of Xmas Music Henry Greenwood and Adland Suit eventually lived up to his title of Field Marshall for Venue Targetting.

Remember to print and wear the GREAT Xmas party badge at the top of this post to show your allegiance to the President of the Internet

Making GREAT advertising in the modern age

2009-11-16T17:01:00.003Z

There's a lot of amateurs blundering around in this area, but only TRUE pros are following my three-point plan to making GREAT adverts:

1. Find something wonderous or at least humerous on YouTube.

2. Steal it.

3. Make it original again by replicating the first thing BUT adding a brand message to the end.

At the moment these are LITERALLY the keys to the kingdom. Ignore them at your mild peril.

Mrs Belmot's Xmas Party!

2009-11-05T14:32:00.009Z

UPDATE:

My Christmas party is DEFINITELY on Weds 2nd December at The Perseverance pub in London:
63 Lambs Conduit Street,
Bloomsbury,
London,
WC1N 3NB

EVERYONE is very excited about my Christmas party this year. In fact, there's so much interest that there won't be room at my house, so DON'T buy a ticket to Dorking. It's full.

I've used logic (look it up if you don't know what that is) to decide to hold my party in London this year.

There's a LOT to organise and I'm TOO important to do everything. That's why I need my loyal patriots to help with a few things.

If you want to take charge of an area, email me: iammrsbelmot AT yahoo DOT co DOT uk

Things which need arranging for the party:

An argument for everyone to have
Music
Party hats
Invitations (although it will be a massive free for all. It's not my house, so who cares)
Posters

Augmented reality
Games

Have a whip-round so Knorks can fly in from Australia

I think we need a central London pub (or better) on Wednesday 2nd December.

If you don't want to help, then just save the date to come along and feel Christmas shame for not helping.

Christmas starts here.

I'm down with the children

2009-10-28T10:22:00.002Z

Everyone old knows that eating burgers is a lot of fun.

But are we doing enough to raise awareness of burger and chips as a FUN alternative to regular food for kids? NO chance. There's a very real possibility that kids are ignoring or avoiding YUMMY food.

And who's getting the finger of blame jabbed in its face for this MASSIVE failure? Advertising, that's who.

Strap in and brace for the impact - here comes the insight-solution.

McDonalds should rebrand as a children's catering company. My key strategy to achieving this is to ditch the nightmarish clown that's plagued their advertising for years. Instead they need to be "down with the children" and get a new brand spokesman. I give you MC Donald:

He's a blinged-out rapper, dropping funky rhymes and full of FLAVA (rap for flavour, which is appropriate in a restaurant context. Inappropriate elsewhere).

He's also got the head of Donald Sinden which gives him a commanding and clear voice with which to disseminate brand messages.

This idea is so hot you could griddle chicken on it, so I DEFINITELY want cash up front this time. I've already contacted Donald Sinden to make sure he doesn't "slag" me on the deal.

Protect yourself with social media

2009-10-23T09:56:00.002Z

Hi gang! Blog-a-log-a-gog!

The media is mostly made up of hysterical stress-mongers convinced that the internet is rife with burglars scrutinising your every Facebook update to check whether your house is occupied or not.

This may well be the case.

However, only a stupid boot would tell the world things like "On holiday for 2 weeks. Valuables stuffed in all the toilet cisterns".

If you're still living in a state of panicked bewilderment, just follow my five point plan to using social media as a weapon against the thieving classes:

1. Make every status update "At home. Door double-locked. Alsatians loose in the yard. Guns loaded and within reach. Chief of Police popping round ANY MINUTE NOW"

2. Post up pictures of terrifying fortifications and imply that this is your house (see my picture above). This bungalow has been heavily fortified with TWO howitzers manned by British army soldiers. The grounds are patrolled by wolves and a hippo - I hear they can get well baity.

3. Create a game appp for the iPhone called 'Break Into My House' which shows anyone how to break into your house EXCEPT make the game impossible. Any potential vagabonds will be inflamed with despair and you can rake in the cash. Ha ha!

Have you got "it"?

2009-09-02T22:36:00.003Z

Would you rate your singing ability as COMPENTENT?

Do you like to just ‘give things a go’ without thinking them through?

Has anyone ever “raised you up”?

Has a member of your family recently died?

Maybe YOU’VE got the X-Factor!

Can old morons learn new tricks?

2009-08-17T16:20:00.012Z

Following on from my recent innovations in branded-meat marketing (BMM), no-one has been beating my door down with cash to find out more.

This is understandable as few people (i.e. only me) can FULLY comprehend the significance that branded food has for the advertising industry.

Any place I see left unbranded (eg paving slabs, wardrobes, animals, the sea, etc.) brings a tear to my eye. When will our industry learn that we could be cramming marketing messages in front of people ALL the time? I predict another twelve years at least.

If they read this blog, you can reduce that figure to eight months (seven months for the KEY insights to sink in + a month to do something about it).

The lack of creativity in a supposedly 'creative' industry is staggering and could potentially reach flabberghasting levels unless these old morons can learn some new tricks.

Witness the future of branded meat

2009-08-09T14:07:00.004Z

Make frankfurters work for you NOW!

The picture should be self-explanatory, unless you're too thick to "get it". Basically it uses meat-writing technology to deliver a powerful brand message at the perfect moment.

Oscar Wilde gutter persuasion

2009-07-24T12:26:00.004Z

To paraphrase Oscar Wilde, we're all in the gutter but some of us are persuading other gutter-people to buy things

Mrs Belmot's guide to NOT killing the planet

2009-07-22T11:33:00.006Z

The internet is costing us millions, and who's paying the bill PLUS service charge? The planet, that's who.

To make matters worse, the tip isn't optional like it can be everywhere except America. You've GOT to pay, like when you go to America or an American puts the guilt on you with their judgmental eyes in a British restaurant.

Here comes the maths. Keep up.

I keep my computer on ALL the time. What's the cost of this in electricity? No-one can say for sure, so let's say £5 of electricity a day.

Now let's multiply this by 1,596,270,108 which is the total number of internet users.

That's a whopping £7,981,350,540 - nearly eight BILLION pounds a day. The biggest number I've ever written. Whatever that means to the planet is anyone's guess. MY guess is that it's terrible news. It's giving me sweats. BAD sweats.

To make matters worse, this ISN'T factoring in the cost of running all the servers needed to keep the internet full of clutter, like your photos on Facebook, or day-to-day banality sharers such as Twitter or Facebook again.

Let's factor that amount in with a conservative highly-educated guesstimate: let's double the previous figure and add four billion to make a round TWENTY BILLION pounds of electricity a day to run the internet. No wonder the planet is cankerous.

Now let's apply the insight. Keep up again.

We might as well just pour poison onto soil while paying a fortune in electricity. This is NOT advice, it's a metaphor. Don't actually do this. I do NOT need a repeat of the 'Milork' leaflet fiasco. If we keep on internetting at this rate, I safely predict a global catastrophe before the Olympics in 2012.

What to do:

Delete everything you've ever put on the internet to reduce burden-strain on servers. Stop using banality-sharers more than once a month. Turn off the central heating and wear more clothes. Clean your house using wind rather than hoovers. Microwave jacket potatoes rather than ovenning them. Check this blog on an hourly basis for mandates.

Case closed.

File under environmental FACT-mongering.

P.B (post-blog - DO try to keep up)
Herman has been strutting around the house claiming he was "born to drive steel", whatever that means. This has all the hallmarks of a 'whopper'. He's been listening to too much Johnny Cash and wearing "that" shirt again.

Mrs Belmot's shopping voucher

2009-07-16T10:38:00.006Z

Shop staff can't be expected to keep up with current or even bygone internet trends (such as blogging and forums), so prey on their ignorance with Mrs Belmot's multi-purpose printable discount voucher:

The great boon is you can use it anywhere AND I've made it a socking great 75% off anything you want. DEFINITE takers include Budgens, River Island, WHSmith and Bennett's garden centre on the B2038. No-one is keen to accept it but they can't argue with the internet.

It's the kind of ROI which name brands can only envisage during fevered dreams or waking hallucinations.

The bacon is back.

Mrs Belmot's Guide to the Internet

2009-07-15T10:03:00.000Z

KA-AAARK! KA-AAAARK!

KAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRK!

Mrs Belmot's blog is back like a phoenix from the ashes!

I have LITERALLY died under an avalanche of requests from everyone wanting to know how they should use the internet in 2009. Luckily my trusty St Bernard (brain) dug me out of the snow (did the maths) and gave me some brandy (vimto) before lumbering off (they're friendly but their attention span is woeful):

Mrs Belmot's Guide to the Internet in 2009

Blogging - don't bother. I stopped for ages and everyone else jumped off the bandwagon too, like sheep-moths following a flame going out. Puff! In the hands of amateurs (you) It's basically a long-winded waste of time and internet space. In the hands of a pro (me) it's a razor-sharp tool of insight and foresight.

Twitter - Like blogging for infants (see above for the pro/am distinction).

Facebook - I rarely go here and only check back to see if they've changed their colours to something less "IN YOUR FACE". Get OUT of my face, more like! Ha ha!

Voucher codes: a BIG thing. Anyone paying full price at Pizza Express is a berk-royale. They're everywhere and shop staff are too thick to comprehend how the internet works, so just make your own and they'll believe you.

Google - Slowly but DEFINITELY becoming pre-occupied with death as my picture-documentary on Google's search suggestions recently exposed:

Herman - embroiled in a Rocky Horror Show 'time warp' fight against the postman. A nasty mess left on the drive. DON'T tell the council or they'll go ballistics, when they should really go forensics. Herman keeps threatening to "do the time warp again" and sometimes invites me to join his sordid game saying "LET'S do the time warp again". A glassy look comes over his eyes when he says it and he goes all a-fluster. Sordid

Lunch - most likely a pie or 'toasty-soup'. NOT both.

I've moved on the internet

2008-03-07T16:40:00.003Z

I'm NOT dead, so stop sending wreaths. My house looks like the Whitehall Cenotaph.

Chilling.

If you want to keep reading, go to TERWITTER!

Top brass haven't rumbled the spy!

2007-09-06T11:07:00.000Z

If you're a regular drinker (reader) at the fountain (blog) of my knowledge (advice), you'll have DEFINITELY been going thirsty (not reading/learning anything new) lately.

There's no mystery, so don't try cracking the case. You won't. Also don't bother ask what I've been doing, just keep reading (drinking).

I REALLY need money, and that's no lie. NO-ONE ever pays the invoices I send out, so the only solution was to swallow the bullets and get a job.

None of the best advertising agencies (ones in the South East) bothered to reply to my CV, even though it CLEARLY told them I would be a great Managing Guru or Advice Director. It's rude and shameful because I know for FACTS that they reap my blog-advice like thieving harvesters. Their loss is also my loss - they don't get my massive kudos and I don't get their money. No one wins.

Taking an unsubtle hint from my husband's war stories/lies, I decided to spy on the industry... from the INSIDE! Can you imagine me in a balaclava and sunglasses like a REAL spy?

Anyway, forget that image in your mind because everyone who works on the checkouts has to wear the same uniform. Also, the application/interview process was non-invasive and they didn't probe how much I knew about advertising. Ha ha! Imagine what 'top brass' would say if they knew I was a blog-genius with even MORE top brassy skills than THEIR top brass.

At the moment, I'm biding my time on the checkout before presenting my plan to re-position the WHOLE supermarket chain for a Digital generation. I'll DEFINITELY present to top brass. My low-brow colleagues on the shop floor simply won't be able to grapple with the concepts involved. You need the ability to think metaphorically but most of them can't even think plain-phorically.

I really have to get off the checkout soon. The money is rubbish and it's literally an unwanted eye-opener to see what people buy to eat.

Let me fill the box

2007-08-17T11:12:00.000Z

There's been nothing but rubbish on the television for days on end, so I've been working overtime coming up with GREAT ideas for new programmes which someone would actually want to watch.

"Fish and Fowl" - a fishmonger and a butcher who solve crime but the butcher is REALLY reluctant. The fishmonger (Darren) has basically got nothing else to do with his time because everyone's using supermarkets. So he turns to crime-solving with FUNNY results. The butcher (Samuel) is the brains. It's set in the 90s and it's got those two from Never the Twain if they're available/alive. First episode features a stabbing by a canal. Uh oh!

"Risen Damp" - a one-off TV special. Basically a funeral wake for Rigsby turns sour when his corpse is exhumed by the police for "tacky" reasons.

"Rappy Days" - Ritchie Cunningham and The Fonz, now living in Surrey, recapture their golden youth by staging a series of vitriolic rap battles in Leatherhead and Horsham. Promotes family values and The Fonz ends EVERY rap by saying "Eee!". You won't find out until the last episode if it's really happening or if the WHOLE series is from the deluded mind of Mr Cunningham, now a senile idiot working the checkout in Homebase. He ran a hardware store in the original series, so he would have transferable skills.

Do NOT be surprised if these turn up in the schedules later this year. If anyone at the BBC or ITV checks their emails today (unlikely), we might even get them next week!

I need to buy more video tapes.

The stench from the shed has now penetrated into the house. If Herman doesn't change his clothes soon, I'll have to hose him down! Ha ha! Like in a zoo!

I'm metaphorically bombing the neighbours - with ADVERTISING!

2007-08-10T11:51:00.001Z

The neighbours have NOT yet bought in to my latest innovation in advertising, which is their loss for being naysaying fools.

Just when every old-timer will tell you that there's no new way to reach people, I've fitted a new tyre (come up trumps) onto a Honda Civic (the advertising industry) and pulled out of the lay-by (started doing it first before everyone else).

If you can brain-imagine this, it's a cross between television and radio advertising which reaches people NEITHER old-fashioned method currently does.

Basically, when the adverts come on in between programmes of the TV, I turn the volume up to unbearably loud levels, creating an invasive wall of bass-heavy advertising messages penetrating through the brickwork of the house and into neighbouring houses.

If you want a war analogy (most people do) it's less of a targetted sniper shot and more of a carpet bomb technique, indiscriminatly hitting EVERYONE. The great bonus is that it also hits civilians (people walking outside) as well as neighbouring buildings.

Anyway, next-door has complained every day of this week about the noise but I've blamed it on the difference in volume between programmes and ad breaks (VERY probable excuse). They'll feel the ROI when the messages seep into their thick skulls.

As it is, they're complaining to various industry bodies. Ha ha! They will NEVER guess I'm doing it on purpose!

I wanted to get Herman to connect the television to the stereo to reach a wider audience, but he's been slumped face down in the shed for the last three days under his tanning lamps with his radio receiver tuned to static. I don't pretend to understand the appeal of amateur radio, so I've left him to it.

The smell is getting abominable in there. If he wants any dinner, he'll have to "shed" those reeking clothes. Ha ha!

If the sun won't tan, I will

2007-08-03T09:36:00.000Z

If I had to describe myself, the first adjectives through the door would DEFINITELY be positive, pro-active and a great resource for top-level advice on ANY subject in English delivered promptly.

It seems that my husband doesn't know me AT ALL because he was completely astonished when I came up with a turnkey solution to help him get a tan while the weather is rubbish. It's this kind of mistrust that makes him an idiot and rots our marriage from the inside.

The genius behind the thinking is that I've combined Herman's two favourite activities (waste-of-time amateur radio hamming and watching "the box") with getting a 'Cat Deeley'-style tan but WITHOUT the need to have his blood transfused from using fake tan.

Basically, I've set up eight angle-poise lamps with 100 watt bulbs in the shed pointing STRAIGHT into Herman's face when he's blathering away to other radio idiots. The light might not do much tanning, but the proximity of the bulbs (about 4cm from his face) should produce enough heat to effectively grill a fabulous tan onto his head.

I've also hooked up two car batterys to the television. The picture is basically un-watchable but the rays coming off the set push out a tanning effect you can feel from across the room, and that's ROI that money can't buy (although literally it can).

We're also keeping all the house lights on 24-hours a day. Our carbon footprint will be a disgrace, but every little helps the tan so do NOT blame me. I probably do more for the environment than you.

So far, no tan has developed and Herman's been complaining about eye strain, headaches and partial blindness. However, the BIG silver lining is that his eyes are starting to turn a milky white colour which will REALLY offset his tan when he finally gets it.

All the news that's unfit to blog

2007-07-27T14:06:00.000Z

Don't tell me the title of this is wrong, because it's not. I'm in the steely grip of a stinker of a cold. If you imagine you're dying of sinuses, you'll be halfway to thinking of how I feel.

It didn't help my health that Herman's self-improvement plan has meant I've spent the last few days visiting him in hospital while he recovers from getting healthy.

He's become obsessed with his appearance and for some reason is aiming for a "size zero". I blame fashion idiots like Ian McShane and Wogan. I've made him take the posters down in our bedroom but I know he still idolises them. I've looked in his wallet

Anyway, he's an idiot because he believed one of his radio ham friends who told him that Cat Deeley always drinks fake tan then sweats it out to get a great all-over tan. The theory is 100% sound but I am DEFINITELY sceptical that Deeley would have her stomach pumped and most of her blood transfused every time she wanted to look lovely and orange.

Also, Herman ended up being treated for heat exhaustion after turning the central heating on full and sitting in the kitchen with the oven door open to "get the sweats going".

The only silver lining is that the smell in the kitchen is now wonderful, just like in Cat Deeley's house, I assume.

The smell of rotting wicker WILL return

2007-07-20T11:03:00.000Z

The results of my week-long investigation into the unbearable noises coming from my garage are finally in.

If you want to brain-picture the noises, I'd describe them as wheezing and clanging. Also screaming and thudding.

The breakthrough in the case came when I discovered that the noises ONLY came from the garage when Herman wasn't in the house. Then I mounted a surveillance campaign by looking in the garage the next time he went in there.

Conclusion = he's guilty as sin and DEFINITELY "at it" again. I thought he'd got it out of his system but I will NOT cast stones because we were all "at it" in the 80s, but he's an idiot for starting again and will 100% do himself an injury.

I wish he would just stay in the shed where he belongs.

I'm bracing my eyes to start seeing him in gym shorts and sweatbands again. Last time he was into fitness (approx 1987 - do NOT quote me) he used to wear a sweatband on his head, two on each wrist and four on each leg = a total of thirteen sweatbands. The laundry basket had to be thrown out after it bore the brunt of a heavy "workout".

The smell of rotting wicker was unbearable.

I'm also worried about the state of his exercise bench. It's had the chest freezer balanced on it for the last 15 years and was only something Herman got from a garden centre in the first place, so it is almost CERTAINLY a deathtrap for anyone using it for bench pressing or sitting.

That reminds me: I must take some chops out of the freezer before Sunday. They'll be no good to ANYONE if they're "al-dentay".

Loneliness = BIG cash rewards

2007-07-18T08:51:00.000Z

Ho ho ho!

I've just been hit in the marketing region of my brain with a SCORCHER of an idea!

What do most people spend longest looking at when they're gullible and needy? Answer = lonely hearts adverts.

Here's how YOU can turn the melancholy loneliness of the masses into a stack of ROI bacon fifty feet high:

"Dead beautiful billionairess seeks someone for friendship. Maybe more! About me: I'm not fussy about who I meet so you're DEFINITELY in with a chance. I like the cinema and loud pubs, but one thing I will NOT tolerate is the build up of limescale under the rim of my toilet.

That's why I use Toilet Duck. It stops germs like gangbusters and leaves my house smelling great. It's also great value, not that money is an issue to me.

If you're interested in meeting someone new, you could contact me. But if you REALLY want to have a fragrant and hygienic bathroom, then it's Toilet Duck all the way."

Put that advert in your local paper and watch the money come walking to you. Want to know how it works? Here's the analysis:

I rope in the desperate by claiming to be beautiful and rich. Then I hook them like greedy fish by claiming to like loud pubs. I'm talking THEIR language now.
Now they're putty in my fishing net (hand) so I introduce sub-liminal AND plain-liminal information about a product.
Result = a huge rise in the sales of Toilet Duck in the cash-rich singles market.

Ha ha! This one is a dead guarantee to 100% deliver the bacon all year round, but expect a whopping sales increase around Valentine's Day. It's when ALL eyeballs are on the singles pages.

In other news, Carol has RUDELY announced that she is thinking of staging a musical version of 'Trading Places' this Christmas at the community centre. Everything she touches turns into disasters so steer clear as if it was made from the plague.

She's just trying to jump on MY 2001: Sapce Odyssey panto bandwagon. Get off my wagon! And bring back my baking tray while you're getting off.

That said, I'd throw good money after bad to see Trading Places on the stage. What a hoot! One was deaf and the other was blind. Uh oh! That spells t.r.o.u.b.l.e!

How many miles to Facebook?

2007-07-11T13:35:00.001Z

Hi blog-reader-lovers!

Everyone is fully aware that NO-ONE campaigns harder than me to keep the internet tidy. As President of the Internet, it's basically my job (it's not paid, so send "the readies" as a token of appreciation. I need the money).

Here's my latest policy decree which should drive through change and 100% deliver the bacon on the tidy front:

When you're driving in your car, you rely on signposts to tell you where to go. At the moment, everyone uses Google like the back of a road atlas to look up where things are. If we had more internet signposts, like in my technical plan above, we'd all know where to go and how many internet miles away it was.

It's the equivalent of being in Leatherhead and thinking "Phew! Only five and half miles to Dorking! I've got time to listen to 'You Can Call Me Al' AND 'Under African Skies' before I get there."

Of course, by the time you've navigated the ringroad, you could probably listen to 'The Boy in the Bubble' as well, but that's just local knowledge. You won't get this unless you know the area.

If everyone jumps onto the signposting bandwagon, it should REALLY sort the ham from the spam.

Meat sorting can also be invaluable in an offline environment when organising fridges and packed lunches. NO-ONE wants to prepare themselves to enjoy spam and find out in their mouth that they're really eating ham. It's a nasty jar for the brain AND the tongue.

Anyway, if you want to help the internet government's work, you can join the cabinet on Facebook.

A long wait until eggy December

2007-07-10T12:16:00.000Z

It's July 10th which is BRILLIANT news for fans of Christmas. We've got the most boring six months out of the way (well done everyone) and we're DEFINITELY getting closer and closer to the big day!

It's only another month and a half before we're allowed to get the decorations out again, but if you're struggling to labour through the rubbish summer months here's some practical advice on how to get your festive juices wet NOW. Follow this plan and you'll literally hit the ground running when Christmas kicks off in September:

Close the curtains and turn the lights off at 6pm every night. This will trick your brain into thinking the days are getting shorter = getting near to Christmas.
Wear less clothes so you feel cold (like in winter) but IMAGINE that you're actually wearing more clothes (like in winter).
If this doesn't work, wear more clothes (like in winter) and use your imagination to make you feel colder (like in winter).
If you wear more clothes you may suffer heat exhaustion, so your imagination will REALLY have to be up to the task of feeling cold.
Not everyone can handle nog, especially egg nog. Prepare your stomach lining NOW with gentler nogs in time for "eggy December".
Good summer nogs include Ribena nog, water nog and chicken nog.

Now I come to think about it, one of my dining room chairs is STILL in the garden from last Christmas.

The noise in my garage has been unbearable for days. If it stays like this for another day, I'm DEFINITELY going to mount an investigation (look in the garage tomorrow).

The casserole has worked medical magic

2007-07-06T10:06:00.000Z

After coming back from Falaraki, both my husband and me have been suffering BAD jet lag. I haven't got a CLUE what time it's meant to be! We've also both come down with tickly coughs, possibly as a withdrawal reaction from rubbing Vicks all over for two weeks. On the Belmot illness scale this would rate as "irritating and persistent", also known as a "Vernon".

Killing two health birds with one medicine stone, I made a casserole for dinner last night but replaced the beef stock with Benylin to combat the cough AND create drowsiness. I also replaced the onion, carrots and beef with Benylin too, to guarantee 'impact' on the nervous system.

As a safety net, we also had warm milk (Benylin) before going to bed.

The results have been mixed but worthwhile. I slept like a baby and feel BRILLIANT today, although it's still hard to focus on moving or stationary objects. Sitting down still causes nausea. Herman also slept like a baby and had to be winded five times in the night. It was NOT pleasant for me or the air in our bedroom but he said it reminded him of being in the army.

Don't put ANY store by this kind of claim - he makes them all the time. I haven't a CLUE what he did in the army and he's a whopping liar. He gets all excited and makes boasts about killing this and marching over that.

Anyway, I made him scambled eggs (Benylin) for breakfast, so he's calmed down again (passed out in the driveway) which makes MY life easier.

The holiday is OVER

2007-07-03T11:40:00.000Z

The mystery has been solved. The christening was DEFINITELY in Falkirk because we couldn't find any sign of it in Falaraki where I've just spent the last two weeks.

I know EXACTLY what you will be thinking and the answer is: no - not a single wireless router in sight. Conclusion = the Greeks are about three years behind us on broadband. If you want to check this, contact the Greek government. It is NOT my job to do this for you.

On many levels, the whole christening/holiday was a disaster. I ONLY packed the essentials in my suitcase (PC tower, monitor, keyboard, mouse, mousemat) and left Herman to pack all the clothes.

On one level this demonstrates trust, but on another it demonstrates he's an idiot because he only filled his stuicase with amateur radio equipment (broadcaster/transmitter, microphone, 50ft of aerial, morse code book).

Now I actually see it in writing, the quantity of electrical equipment is almost DEFINITELY why it took us so long to get through passport control.

Anyway, the cloudy lining was that we had to wear the same clothes for two weeks. The irony is that this would probably have been a great bonus if we HAD actually gone to Falkirk (for obvious reasons).

Proof that Herman is not a logical thinker (like me) is that we couldn't even plug any of the equipment in as he didn't pack any travel adaptors. Instead, he brought a pack of Glade plug-in air-fresheners. If you've been doing the maths as you go along (recommended) you'll realise that the room STILL didn't smell nice because we didn't have any travel adaptors to plug the plug-ins into.

Another bad lining to the holiday cloud was that the weather was GREAT. Normally, this would be a boon but someone (Herman) didn't pack any sunscreen. Instead we had to make do with Deep Heat and Vicks. They stop the sun but they stink ROTTEN.

The sight and smell of Herman lathering himself up with linament next to the pool caused a lot of other hotel guests to complain to the hotel manager about stinging eyes and the whole pool area was closed for three days while they mistakenly drained the filter system.

On the plus side, our muscles were definitely relaxed (TOO relaxed in Herman's case) and we didn't have any Greek colds or Greek flu. Herman boasted to a Portuguese tourist that his sinuses were so clear that you could ride a bike through them, but the tourist got tetchy about this whopping claim and told him to prove it.

The only thing that diffused the situation was the fumes from the Vicks and Deep Heat which the tourist reacted badly to. We didn't see him when he came back from hospital so Herman's bicycle sinus claim still stands. It may well pass into local legend. If you go to Falaraki in the future, let me know.

On reflection, we could have solved a LOT of our problems using money but I don't trust Euros. Last time we had any foreign money, I got confused on "the schnapps" and thought I was playing Monopoly and tried to buy the hotel we were staying in. Lesson = avoid foreign currency.

The only silver lining is that we didn't go to Falkirk. I'm assuming that it's a right dump.

Greece versus Scotland

2007-06-21T21:30:00.000Z

My agency (house) admin is in a SHOCKING state at the moment.

Last year, my husband and me were invited to a christening (only better than weddings in that they finish BANG on time, EVERY time). The tragedy in this story is that Herman spilled creosote on the invite when he was redecorating the downstairs loo, and we can't read whether we're meant to be going to Falkirk or Faliraki.

Common sense comes down HARD on Falkirk as Angus and Marion live there, but Herman has always had a yen to go to Faliraki so he's booked us two tickets on a budget airline.

The Faliraki yen is a big boast on his part as he's NEVER mentioning it in his diary in the last 27 years - I've really done the research on this one.

This is part of a MUCH bigger trend of lying about lifelong desires which aren't included in 'The Herman Documents' (his title for the diaries, not mine). Last week he claimed he had ALWAYS wished he could be hit by lightning, but I'm convinced he was just saying this to impress a competitively macho plumber.

Conclusion = the christening present is likely to be Ouzo, which will be MASSIVELY inappropriate for an infant, regardless of where the Scots really live. It doesn't matter though as they ALWAYS send a card when a gift would be more appropriate.

Rapper abduction plot: FOILED

2007-06-15T12:26:00.000Z

As I inwardly predicted but didn't tell anyone about, my husband's infatuation with the urban music scene has landed him in BIG trouble.

Since proclaiming himself a "superstar boss MC" of the UK garage/shed music scene, I've had a suspicion that he's fallen in with a bad crowd. This morning I caught him in the bathroom doing what you would charitably call 'rapping' (uncharitably, he was just talking into a ladle as if it was a microphone).

Don't get sidetracked on there being a ladle in the bathroom. It's not the main issue. It will be when I serve up the casserole tonight though. Note to self: wash it before serving.

Anyway, from my vantage point at the nail-cutting station (basin), I had an unwanted ringside seat as he rapped, "They tried to make me go to Riyadh, I said 'No, no, no'."

If you read the Daily Mail (my BIBLE) you'll know for facts that kidnapping and human trafficking are basically the ONLY thing the urban music scene does with any success (after making music). Because of this knowledge, I was NOT surprised to assume that other garage MCs have tried to abduct Herman and take him to Saudi Arabia.

Fortunately, my wits are 100% sharper than the So Solid Crew or Girls Aloud and the first thing I did was shred Herman's passport for safety. As an extra precaution, I mulched it and served it to him as muesli. Ha ha! Try making him go to Riyadh NOW, 50 Sent. I'LL be the one saying "No. No. No."

Ha ha! I've got the last laugh!

Actually, given Herman's notorious "bowel history", there will be NO laughs for anyone until the passport has gone through "departures".

For more eye sweets, here's an artist's impression (not mine) of Girls Aloud abducting another easily-led simpleton:

My husband has grown a marrow in the advertising industry

2007-06-13T11:41:00.000Z

I don't understand how it happened but my husband has become the most effective form of supermarket advertising.

Recently, I've been caught in the crossfire of warring milk adverts for Asda and Tesco but neither has managed to get a clean shot at the milk-buying bullseye in my brain = not influenced to buy milk.

Then, in a revelation which has made me feel ill, Herman delivered the bacon with a simple campaign consisting of telling me that we needed to buy milk. Result = I bought more milk.

I know we ALL get sick to our stomachs when amateurs blunder into our allotment (industry), trample on the veg (have an idea), then grow a big marrow (do something that works). This literally happened in the early 90s, which made me feel queasy. I stopped being "into" veg shortly afterwards.

Anyway, taking Herman's dunce-savant baton and running with it, here's a train of thought which is STOKED with fuel and has plenty more coal left to burn:

1. Do away with any kind of advertising which could be described as 'softly, softly', 'brand building' or 'tedious'.

2. Instead, just show the product BIG and get a persuasive celebrity to do a voiceover saying "You've run out of Flash bathroom cleaner" or "You need TWO washing machines".

Everyone will feel like you're talking DIRECTLY at them (great targeting) and, if they HAVE run out of any products, they'll be running to the shops like tramps after garden veg.

Also, metaphors are 'in' right now, so try using some in conversation once in while. Don't over egg the pudding though - they haven't got big legs.

Steven Spielberg DOES trump Angelina Jolie

2007-06-07T14:49:00.000Z

Today is JUST news and no waffle, in-line with best internet tidy practices.

Ha ha! If I owned a pub it would be "inn-keeping" rather than in-line. Ha ha ha! That's a great joke! I will DEFINITELY use that a lot this week.

NEWS: I now have two Blogs!
The mountain (advertising industry) has FINALLY come to the prophet (me) and wangled an exclusive blog (still nothing else left in the analogy) out of me (the prophet). I'm now the leading columnist at Brand Republic. Scoop!

NEWS: The car spa has been VETOED
My husband has decreed that filling the footwells of our car with warm water will NEVER happen in his lifetime. I've put MONTHS into the thinking on this initiative so it's a serious knock to my confidence. You'd basically be driving a foot-spa around town.

SOME people are too short-sighted to recognise the gross benefits of this kind of forward thinking and will NOT be having lasagne followed by apple pie for dinner, despite nearly a week of unsubtle hints.

I might petition the government as I've literally got a hunch it could SLASH road-rage in half (at LEAST) due to it's calming properties.

All you need is petrol stations to have warm water pumps. You'd pay extra for 'Premium' (scented) and less for Diesel (greywater). The foot-towel industry would also feel the rewards.

Until then, it will DEFINITELY be breaded liver burgers for dinner.

NEWS: Only having ITV is as good as having NO TV
The 3 button has stuck down on the television remote control so there is literally NOTHING worth watching in our house. To combat the un-ending boredom, I've created my own Hollywood Top Trumps (or Top Janets) using paper and a biro.

NEWS: Bad loser
Herman has been in a foul mood ever since because he hasn't won a single game. He's just eating 'sour grapes' because he claimed "Angry Steven Spielberg" was NOT a valid Trump after losing "Angelina Jolie playing a Tuba".

He finds her attractive and refuses to admit it, even in his sleep. He just mumbles "Very believable performances" and turns over.

Olympics logo: rotten to the CORE

2007-06-05T10:57:00.000Z

Sport news = whoever came up with the London 2012 Olympics logo must have two eye-patches on. Literally, an animal will tell you it's rotten to the core. The only silver lining is it makes we want to eat Shreddies, which I haven't touched since the 80s.

We've had nothing but Bran Flakes for the last 20 years to "iron out" Herman's bowels. If you're interested, it hasn't worked and it's monotonous.

More importantly, I've given the logo a HOT re-design utilising the visual AND marketing regions of my brain. YOU can vote with your feet and see which is best. Mine is the bottom one.

Hot pantomime news!

At best my script for 2001: A Space Pantomime could be described as 'in production'. If I was pushed, I'd describe it as 'on the scrap heap'. The best idea I've had so far was for Aladdin to have a space suit with curly-toe slippers and that will NOT sustain a 4-hour panto on its own.

More importantly, the football season is REALLY kicking in now. Ha ha! That's APPROPRIATE use of language (AUoL). I've a hunch that a LOT of Premiership football managers read my blog so they can pay attention to this:

If you can train dogs to do things when you whistle, you can eventually train footballers to "play ball" too (AUoL). Using subliminal mind-learn techniques, such as hypno-therapy and shouting, teach them to lie down in advertising formations whenever they hear a whistle blow. Here's an example:

Argos will have to pay through the NOSE for this kind of sport stunt. I've already invoiced them for the inclusion here.

My husband says that you will DEFINITELY lose games and respect if players lie down at every whistle-blow, but his opinion isn't worth PENCE anyway. He can't stop laughing at the two players forming the G in Argos. Being able to herd football players like sheep will earn you BIG kudos and the plaudits will come in when the time is right.

I WISH he would stop laughing about the G. It's like living with Ken Dodd.

Something rotten for BIG cash = coffee + bacon

2007-05-31T11:09:00.001Z

Smell my coffee: it's "in vogue" to offer someone exactly £100,000 to do something rotten.

Big Brother gives you cash for eating nothing but rice and cider for MONTHS, and The Apprentice gives it to you for agreeing to work in Essex for a year.

You can get on board NOW and come up with your own programme before it goes "bandwagon up" by using the following chain of logic-think:

What rubbish job would you have to pay me HARD cash to do (NOT including working at Amstrad - already taken)?
Are there enough idiots willing to do it for free anyway (usually there are about 2 million)?
Can I point a camera at it?

If you can answer ALL of these questions truthfully, you've got yourself a WINNER and will soon have to pay an imbecile £100,000 of your savings. The ROI is the MASSIVE feeling of superiority.

Now've you FINALLY woken up and smelled my coffee, you'll DEFINITELY want to know who's delivering the bacon. Learn from this:

My own idea is to get 28 people to stage a pantomime of '2001: A Space Odyssey'. It's set at Christmas and every week someone gets voted off and told they are RUBBISH. The final week will see the winner stage the panto AND play all the parts. They will also have to operate the lighting and do the ushering.

The final prodyction will be abysmal but the ticket sales will already be through the roof (there's the bacon), so that doesn't matter. Also, the reviews in the papers will tell the 'winner' that they are RUBBISH too, which is really what the public wants.

Anyway, I'm quite excited as I LOVE a good panto and I'm DETERMINED that it will make sense of an over-rated and baffling piece of 60s hippy gobbledygook.

Herman still hasn't replaced the gripper rods poking through our carpets but I will NOT pay him £100,000 to do this, despite unsubtle hints and it 100% being a rotten job. It's LITERALLY his funeral as well as mine though - our feet are bearing the brunt of a matrimonial DIY stand-off and we're DEAD out of plasters.

Thank you to EVERYONE who emailed me with messages of support for getting over my cold. They did NOT help but the thought demonstrated good manners which is a LOT more useful, in many ways.

No-one else bother though, my inbox is full of rubbish like this from well-wishers. I just delete the lot.

My illness is OFFICIALLY rated as 'stinker'

2007-05-29T12:20:00.001Z

The HOT news in advertising at the moment is that I've had a cold for the last five days. If you were to grade it using the standard Belmot Illness Scale (BIS) from 'sniffles' to 'loss of life', it would DEFINITELY rate as 'stinker'.

If you've got SHARP eyes, you'll notice that the diagnosis briefly became 'malevolent'. This happened when I stubbed my toe and EVERYTHING felt bad for three minutes and seven seconds. I had the foresight to time it with my stopwatch.

Herman refused to sleep in the 'contagion ward' (our bedroom) and decided to sleep in a fort under the dining table using cushions from the sofa and two table-cloths. He's been there since last Friday and is having the time of his life. I literally DREAD to think about the state of the cushion covers. They'll have been on the floor and "all sorts".

Anyway, it's not appropriate for a man of his age but, every time I try to tell him this, he rings a hand bell and moans "Unclean". The last few times he's also put washing up gloves on and tied a tea-towel over his mouth while pointing at me.

The tea-towel is FILTHY so the last laugh may be on me. We don't know yet. History will have to resolve this one (again).

Other Belmot scales you can buy for BIG money include:

Belmot Hunger Scale ('peckish' to 'insatiable beyond all comprehension')
Belmot Walking Speed Scale ('stopped' to 'unreasonably quick')
Belmot Visitor Scale ('grudgingly welcome' to 'offensive intrustion')
Belmot Height Scale ('small' to '10')

To the untrained idiot these scales have NO value at all, but I can 100% GUARANTEE that most business would benefit from using defined gradings such as these. For example, I ALWAYS tell every visitor what their BVS rating was when they leave.

They also receive a computer print-out of food consumed during their stay, electricity used and an above-average-guess at how much water they 'used' in the bathroom.

It's stats like these that will DEFINITELY set you above the common herd. Be the BEST you can be with a Belmot Scale.

It will DEFINITELY cost you £20 for a set.

Do NOT alarm your GP with Snouty Pig Rot

2007-05-23T11:37:00.000Z

Stop press and START blog!

The good news is that offal consumption in Dorking has gone through the roof as a DIRECT result of my advertising campaign. This is NOT true of Dorking as a whole, but is DEFINITELY true of my house which is a representative sample which is IN Dorking.

If you multiply the results of my literally in-house survey by a million, I can say with confidence that the WHOLE of Dorking has eaten offal for every meal for the last five days. I don't see Saatchi & Saatchi churning out that kind of quality day after day. FACT.

If someone bothered to run an award ceremony for people who made EFFECTIVE rather than RUBBISH advertising, I'd be at the top of the tree collecting a big medal.

Hint: someone set up a ceremony and I'll win it for you.

Anyway, the bad news is that there's been some "fallout". The butcher groans and smacks his head when I walk in now. He must be making a fortune off me so he can shut up, though. My fridge is LITERALLY elbow-to-elbow with non-choice cuts of un-prime meat.

If you look in there, it's like feeding time at the petting zoo, except EATING the animals rather than feeding them oats.

I must buy oats.

Herman has been voicing concerns about getting a "spongey-cow-brain like he got in the 90s" but he hasn't done the maths as most of our offal is from pigs. If anything, he'll get snouty-pig-rot.

This may not exist, so don't alarm your GP by asking for it just yet. You may have to bide your time.

On the menu for tonight we've got:

Liver and kidney cocktail for starters (like a prawn cocktail with lettuce and salad cream, not a boozey drink)
Boiled 'farmyard delight' for main course (just hooves and heads - nothing like Angel Delight)
Tripe sorbet for pudding. It tastes better than it looks. It's what I'd describe as an 'effluent' brown colour and doesn't freeze very well.

We've also been DRINKING liver and kidney cocktails, which are blended offal mixed with lashings of advocaat. It's summery AND packed with protein. I call it a 'Belmot Barnyard Bracer' as it delivers a WHACKING squeeze to your heart and lungs when you drink it and it's full of animal vitamins, such as pig and chicken.

If you drink it in the morning, it becomes a "smoothie". I DON'T know why.

DON'T forget the offal, Mummy

2007-05-17T13:37:00.000Z

Blog-a-log-a-gog! (just checking)
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This is the picture of my dog I promised before, which must be a nasty knock to all those people who emailed in to call me a LIAR for saying that I DIDN'T had a photo of him.

I often think in SHARP equations, like a computer or some science, as it's the most efficient way of getting things done. Keep up and try to understand this piece of brain calculus:
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Global warming = going up
Resources = going down
Waste also = going up
Solution = don't waste stuff
Maths = done
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That's where an AVERAGE thinker would come to a halt but I've gone TWO better. One better for thinking of something, and then ANOTHER one better for thinking how to advertise it.

What's the most wasted resource anywhere? It's animals, so don't bother emailing any poorly-thought through suggestions. I do NOT need them.
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I've already uncovered the CRIMINAL wastage of animals as advertising space, but also let's think about them as a source of FOOD for once. Come on! We all eat chops and burgers, but what about the muck that's left? We should be eating that too.
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You'll find it's called "offal" if you've read this sentence, and it's all the slop you generally DON'T want to eat, like kidneys, liver, lungs and heads.

So the REAL equation here is: eating offal = saving the planet.
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It's a OBVIOUS that no-one would eat this waste even if you paid them, so that's where advertising HAS to come in. Using GREAT advertising campaigns, we can basically hypnotise people into eating tripe. Case closed, which is good news for the ice caps!
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Here's just TWO campaigns I've already brainstorm-thought of which puts me AHEAD of the game and probably a shoo-in for a New Years Honour from The Queen.

Campaign 1: Change the words in all hymn books for 'All Creatures Great & Small' to this:

All things bright and beautiful, all creatures great and small

All things wise and wonderful, they're full of tasty OFFAL

Then make that the theme for a TV ad featuring beefy Botham (obvious) and Alan Wicker (he's covered in liver spots - that's the connection).

Campaign 2: Back up the TV ads by putting this poster LITERALLY everywhere:

The Vegetarian Society will go bananas if they see this. I took the picture from their website.

I will talk about offal ANOTHER day

2007-05-15T12:44:00.000Z

Today there are TWO issues at stake, or steak! Ha ha! This will become funny AFTER you've read my blog, so come back to the top once you've finished to enjoy a good belly laugh.

Actually there's only ONE real issue at stake (steak) and that's me needing to get fit QUICK (don't ask why). I had a BLISTERING disagreement with my husband about it which mainly went:

I think jogging on my own would be DULL and want to buy a new dog to run with.
Herman can't see past the issue of cleaning up dog p** to realise that dog jogging would be GREAT fun.
He's an idiot who only thinks of himself.

Anyway, it all came to a head at Derek's dinner party on Saturday when Herman asked Derek if he would let Carol go dogging. Derek has big eyes at the best of times but they bulged as big as PLATES when he said this. The man should have a doctor on standby round-the-clock.

Anyway, Carol said she didn't have the right shoes for it, so NO-ONE got a proper answer. Also, this wasn't a surprise as Carol NEVER has the right clothing for anything. I'm CONVINCED she was wearing salopettes under her blouse over the last Bank Holiday. This would instantly account for the sweating we ALL had to put up with.

The final upshot is that I'm STILL not achieving maximum fitness and there's no dog on the horizon either (except for Sheppo's grave at the end of the garden).

Conclusion = DON'T go back to the top to get the belly laugh I promised at the beginning as I haven't talked about offal yet. I'll do that tomorrow.

If you can't wait, it's a play on words with steak being similar to offal. I want to find a picture of my OLD dog (Sheppo) before writing about this though. When he was alive he would make MINCEMEAT out of you, which will tie in 100% with the offal post.

Also, all this talk of offal will make sense when I DO blog about it, so be receptive to offal-related advertising within 48 hours of reading this.

Terrible development in music

2007-05-11T14:55:00.000Z

As regular readers will know for definite, I ONLY talk about great innovations I've developed in advertising. It's what I'm GREAT at and what people need from me.

Unfortunately, today's bulletin is about a TERRIBLE new development in music. Since bonding an Essential Garage music compilation into our stero, my husband has been influenced EASILY and is now 'urban'.

This means that he's CONSTANTLY wearing his hat backwards and refuses to remove it, even for 'hygiene' purposes. The situation is aggravated by him only owning an old bowler hat from the 70s, so the back is identical to the front to the untrained eye. Therefore = NOT urban at all.

He also claims to have invented an off-shoot of garage music, which he has so far branded 'shed' music. It basically involves him standing in his shed tapping a rhythm on a rusty colander with a garden trowel and 'rapping' over the din. The level of articulation is woefully and his rhymes are lack-lustre, in my opinion.

He's planning to transmit a performance tonight using his amateur radio equipment, so MY advice is to steer WELL clear of the airwaves between 7pm and 7.15pm. He runs out of steam quickly, but his enthusiasm makes him reckless on the microphone.

This morning he rhymed "I like my booties fat" with "I can see a tub of paraquat".

The garage is bonded into the stereo

2007-05-09T12:24:00.000Z

Unless you're reading my blog and are simulataneously sat outside my house, you will NOT realise that the noise here is unbearable. If you are outside my house, you won't be able to think, so just keep an eye out for thieves for me, then move on.

Since Saturday, the neighbourhood has been 'treated' to Essential Garage 15, a CD which Herman got from Woolworths for £2 (although worth a lot LESS). I will NOT describe how Herman dances when this rubbish is on the stereo because it's both sordid and confusing.

Just when you think he's about to move his body in one direction, it goes in a different but equally unpleasantly-suggestive one.

Through a BAD combination of Unibond 'No More Nails' and Herman's impulse music buying, we now have a garage CD bonded into the stereo and stuck on full volume. The din is literally too loud for anyone to listen to. Fortunately, it's rhythmic so it's VERY easy to fall asleep to. Both Herman and myself have been napping almost constantly.

The silver lining is that Herman had originally gone to Woolworths for a 48-sided dice, so maybe his Dungeons & Dragons impulses have literally been put in the 'garage'! Ha ha!

I just wish he would stop telling everyone that he's "the only terminator on the mic" and "other MCs need to take a fright". He's been on the phone all morning.

The noise really is beyond comprehension and the speakers are SUFFERING. You can't fault Unibond though - their product is astonishingly strong. That's a five star***** product review.

Microsoft Paint has blown my trumpet VISUALLY

2007-05-04T10:54:00.000Z

Ha ha! Your eyes aren't lying through their teeth at you! This is my ALL NEW look blog! It's STILL the ONLY place on the internet for great advertising advice but now it also incorporates great eye sweets and also still maintains my personal high standards of internet tidyness. I planned and executed the design myself using MS Paint and it looks GREAT. Trumpet = blown.

If you want me to provide cutting edge internet designs for YOUR website, I will DEFINITELY do it and my fee will almost CERTAINLY be high. I need the cash. Don't let this put you off, though. An original Belmot piece of art will draw punters in like moths to a raging inferno. You'll soon see the bacon.

I've had a LOT of interest in my branded livestock but the quality of the interest has been bad. Frankly, the quality of the questions has been rotten to the core.

To answer the most common asked questions (CAQs) so you do NOT have to ask me constantly:

1) I do NOT have a pen of pre-branded cattle for anyone to buy. Don't send money first and think about what you've done second. You'll regret it.
2) I do NOT have any special knowledge of what to feed branded livestock, but mince and oats would be a GOOD start. Ink, if appropriate to the advert.
3) Yes - Bovril is practically identical to Marmite.
4) I have NO idea how much range a wireless router would have across arable land.
5) Ham, bacon, 'pudding', chorizo, trotters and ears. This varies depending on the country you are in. Some people will eat ANYTHING.

I hope that FINALLY stops the phone ringing around the clock.

Here's some FREE advice which is actually worth something (send money if you use it). If Alan Sugar rolls into your office on his big chair and says "You're fired", turn around and say "No, YOU'RE fired" then give him a look as if you know something he doesn't.

You'll still be fired, but you'll have unsettled the flump-bothering flump (FBF).

Predictions for the Bank Holiday:

Windmills are BACK in vogue. If you don't own one, start saving and lying about owning one NOW.
Herman will replace the carpet gripper rods. This is more of a hope than a prediction. Everywhere we walk in the house, razor-sharp pins stick up through the carpets. The place is literally a minefield.
Derek and Carol will suggest a barbeque and THEN suggest that we have it and THEN suggest that Derek only likes burgers. This is now practically an annual occurrence and I could set my clock by it. The pair of them have the manners of un-branded goats.

Start farmers advertising NOW

2007-05-01T12:26:00.000Z

Look at this picture. It's the MOST obvious way for British farmers to increase revenue streams (much needed) AND make the countryside a more interesting place to visit (much more needed - the place is literally as dull as a ditch most of the time).

There's a LOT of whinging from farming circles about having to get up early to milk cows, the price of new wellies and the EU forcing down their profit margins. Solution = sell space on the side of your cattle to outdoor advertisers.

If you're a farmer and you've got broadband on your farm, you could probably sell this as DIGITAL outdoor advertising (one of the best types). No-one in an advertising agency will know the difference so you will be QUIDS in.

Imagine a whole FIELD full of sheep running around, subliminally telling you to drink Bovril. Shares of beefy drinks would go through the roof. Paint the same message on cows and you've built a COMPELLING argument.

Other winning product/livestock combinations would be:

Pigs - Only Fools & Horses DVDs (it's the trotter connection, if you're thick)
Hamsters - chorizo
Skunks - traffic safety adverts (they look a bit like roads)
Tigers - colonial-style rug adverts
Spiders - any national newspaper, but sold in a pre-rolled ready-for-spider-killing format
Bears - full-size cinema posters. Mostly because they're big enough to carry them

If I was a farmer and I reared any of the above animals, I would get painting slogans NOW! You can always invoice AFTER you've seen the ROI. It's what I do all the time.

Herman no longer employs his slippers

2007-04-26T09:13:00.000Z

Herman's Dungeons & Dragons phase is back as strong as it ever was in the 80s, but it has now mutated like a science fiction virus into something terrible to behold.

He's a BIG fan of rude but constructive TV critics (Alan Sugar, Simon Cowell, Sarah Beeney, Gordon Ramsay, Judy Finnegan - the list goes on) so NOW I have to put up with comments like "That casserole was delivered punctually at 6.30pm but it's lack of man-flesh would NOT impress the Dark Lord of Baradur. You're fired, by Morigwyn!"

The man's an imbecile.

Since the new series of The Apprentice started, he's been telling EVERYONE that they're fired. He said it to his slippers last night when he slipped on the kitchen lino. We also haven't had any milk for two weeks after the milkman didn't 'get the joke'.

Anyway, the sliver lining is that I've created a TOTALLY new form of advertising (hands off claiming it was yours if you're about to do this). Instead of trying to build a brand (basically a waste of EVERYONE's time), just talk to the consumer in rude but constructive terms, treating them like they are a low-watt bulb. Here's some GREAT examples which are 'on the house':

"You're an unsightly fatty. ONLY buy food which has the word diet in front of it, then eat it for ONCE in your life" - Sainsburys

"Your appearance is PAINFUL to look at. Stay in your house more" - Foxtons Estate Agents

"Your cooking is amateur and an embarrassment for your whole family. Buy our high-price ready meals and give the kids our sandwiches to take to school" - M&S

"Everything you do clothes you in the robes of SHAME, so move away from here fast" Eddie Stobart Transport Logistics

"You are a dunderhead of the first water" - Open University

Combine this with some banner adverts on the internet and you've got a POWERFUL brand message and that's a set-in-stone-100%-guarantee.

Mrs Belmot's Treasure Hunt

2007-04-25T11:12:00.000Z

Ha ha! There's NO work today, so if you came here to learn anything you are DEFINITELY out of luck. Or are you?

You don't know what I'm talking about because I haven't told you yet, so here it comes. I've invented the most FABULOUS adventure game which uses both the internet (making it cutting edge) and advertising (making it good).

Here's the rules:

1) The object of the game is to try to discover treasure in the form of adverts I've hidden around my blog.

2) When you dig up treasure (find an advert), click on it and you'll go 'up a ladder' to a NEW website. Great exploring AND learning fun!

3) Immediately 'go down a snake' by coming back to my blog and repeating from step 1.

There is NO limit to the amount of times you can dig up the same treasure, so KEEP doing it. This is guranteed BIG fun for all ages, no questions asked. As a hint to get you started, the treasure is all hidden in a column on the right-hand side of the page. Don't bother with any other links - they're literally red herrings.

On an unrelated note, I REALLY need to knuckle down to some 'new business' work - I need the money and that's all there is to it.

The WORST eight minutes of my life

2007-04-19T15:50:00.000Z

I had the worst 8 minutes of my life yesterday evening, standing outside Herman's shed and listening in on him whilst he drivelled to other radio hams "on air". He's my husband so this activity is NOT against the law. Kindly do NOT try selling any kind of muck raking story to the police or the Dorking Advertiser.

"My stamina is 8", he said, "And my double-handed axe is wielded with skill factor of 43"

Then there was more drivel from someone on the other end and Herman said "I'm running through a dank tunnel in pursuit of a horde of goblins. My torch is sputtering. Roll the dice to see if I catch them".

It went on for ages and I was bored witless to the back teeth. The whole thing bodes BAD news for me. The last time Herman went through a Dungeons & Dragons phase, he grew a scrubby beard and wore a salad bowl on his head as a helmet "like a proper dwarf king" every day until it rans its course.

I would rank it as one of the most monotonous 14-month periods of my life.

It was also highly embarrassing and we got FILTHY looks when he told staff at the Asda deli counter for "I am weary from long travels and need 2 loaves of lembas bread, by Moradin!".

The woman on the counter was terrified by his 'mock-dwarvish' appearance and mortally confused by his order. She spent a LONG time trying to find some elf-bread and finally came back with 2 chicken satay sticks. By this time the queue was furious.

He also drew a blank 'seeking' an amulet in the 'Clothes by George' section.

Anyway, I put the hose pipe through the shed window and turned it on FULL, which flushed him out good and proper.

No response from Bloomsbury Publishing about the greatest innovation in advertising for the last twenty years, which was MY idea. The most like solution is they've locked JK Rowling in her barn to re-write the next book CHOCK full of advert placements. If Rowling is reading this (quite likely), this one is on the house:

"Dumbledore laced up his Nike Air Equalon trainers using MAGIC. Pow! Their dual-density midsole gave him extra stability and cost £90, although he could have DEFINITELY got them cheaper on the internet. Laughing darkly, he RAN down the road after Voldemort and easily caught him as 'Volders' was only wearing Dunlop Green Flash. Basically fashionable but RUBBISH for road work.

Even at this distance from Hogwarts, they could STILL hear Snape bellowing 'There's 40% off at Thresher', which made them both think of booze."

I can't fathom why, but I REALLY want some chicken satay sticks.

Alan Sugar's guilty secret

2007-04-18T09:57:00.000Z

Look at this picture of Pootle Flump (on the left) and SIR Alan Sugar. They're practically separated at birth but had the same mother. If you mostly close your eyes, you will NOT be able to tell them apart. The fact he has NEVER publicly admitted to this PROVES that it must be his guilty secret.

Stick a pair of arms on the side of Sugar's head and he could walk STRAIGHT into the Flump household and sit down for dinner (bold as brass) without anyone batting a flumpy eyelid.

It would NOT suprise me if he did this - the man has the manners of a goat. If he hired me, I'd fire myself after arranging a SUBSTANTIAL redundancy package. Also, he would DEFINITELY turn Grandfather Flump's vegetable patch into a budget computer factory. That's a DEAD cert. Get off the veg, Sugar!

If one of the Flumps called him Alan (or even Ally) rather than SIR Alan, I have a hunch he would kick them around the garden like a pom-pom. Disgraceful. It's REALLY put me off watching The Apprentice - the man's a lout.

I wonder who's going to win THIS series? I'm hooked!

Herman FINALLY came out of the shed yesterday evening with a LOVELY tan and looking refreshed, so I've ALSO got a hunch that he's moved a sunbed in there.

The ball is on FIRE

2007-04-13T11:14:00.000Z

The ball is DEFINITELY rolling and is literally on FIRE in terms of my completely new idea to put advertising in Harry Potter. I wrote to Bloomsbury publishing yesterday:

"I was wondering if it would be possible for product placement to appear in the next Harry Potter book? No one else has ever done anything like this so it would be a FIRST for both Bloomsbury and JK Rowling, which would create great PR for everyone.

I'm not a writer but I imagine it would be along the lines of:

"Hagid picked himself up off the ground and lumbered over to his iMac. Quickly logging on to Amazon.com, he managed to order ALL the books Hogwarts needed before the other teachers realised they were missing. They would arrive in a few days time if he chose express delivery".

I don't know if this will fit in with the new storyline. If we're too late to get the ball rolling for the next book, maybe we could have something in place in time for the following one?"

The heat from this idea is UNBEARABLY hot but I've had no reply yet. If it comes down to it, I may just print off hundred off extra 'pages' and insert them into the new HP book when it comes out. The staff at WHSmiths won't like this, but they won't have the wherewithall to do ANYTHING about it. That's just the power of advertising.

I haven't seen Herman for well over a week now, so I imagine the smell in the shed will be atrocious. I wouldn't have thought that radio hams had so much to talk about. They're NOT interesting people, as a rule.

It's also very mysterious because I received a postcard this morning from Penarth which just said "Wish you were here. Where are you?" in Herman's handwriting AND signed by him.

I'm assuming he's playing 'silly buggers' because the whole thing makes NO sense from start to finish. I hope it has nothing to do with Friday 13th - I've had a MOUTHFULL of malign spirits already this year, and it's only April!

Do NOT check in toy stores for a game called 'Silly Buggers' - you can't buy it. Also don't try faxing Waddingtons - you won't get anywhere. I never received a straight reply despite repeated faxing.

Advertising opportunity of the YEAR

2007-04-12T12:57:00.000Z

Stop what you're doing RIGHT now. The advertising opportunity of the YEAR is about to happen soon, so EVERYONE should get on board now before it becomes a bandwagon and we all have to get off it again. As usual, do NOT blame me if your tardiness robes you in the rags of shame.

I'm talking about the latest Harry Potter book "The Deathly Hallows". JK Rowling has FINALLY got around to doing something. This means that NOW is the perfect time to buy up 'Product Placement Paragraphs' (PPP). You won't have heard of this before because I invented it yesterday. Do NOT credit yourself with this idea if you're trying to impress any bosses. I can GUARANTEE that they will have already read my blog and know it's a 'Belmot Brainer'.

Basically it involves asking JK Rowling to put your product into the next book. If she says "yes", then stand by to receive the bacon BIG time.

Here's a GREAT example of how you could leverage the power of Harry Potter to REALLY shift units:

"Voldemort laughed darkly and drank BIG gulps of Coca Cola Zero. It tasted RUBBISH but he didn't care (it wasn't important to him). What REALLY mattered was that he was going to finally kill Harry Potter and his sugar intake was LOW. His teeth were a disgrace, but he probably didn't care about that either, so he drank another pint of Coca Cola Zero. It still tasted rubbish with an appalling television advert."

Ha ha! Isn't that brilliant? Witness the mind-persuasion power of the latest MUST-have form of advertising. Here's another for you:

"Harry laughed darkly while texting a filthy joke to Dumbledore on his Nokia 5300. It was trendy and stored up to 1,500 MP3 files, which was a BONUS on top of it's simple user interface and bulky design. Hermione thought that Harry looked smart but average dressed head to toe in Gap clothing, but she ALSO knew he would be comfortable and not spent too much for his wardrobe.

'It's about time you replaced that RUBBISH ringtone you've got,' said Ron wincing at the foul taste of Coca Cola Zero in his ginger mouth, 'Have you tried Jamster? It's the tops for tones'.

Just then, Snape ran in bellowing 'There's 40% off at Thresher!' which was INAPPROPRIATE in front of children."

It's THAT simple.

If you want to take advantage of PPP, do NOT email Harry Potter paragraphs (HPP) to me as I am NOT an OFFICIAL script advisor to Rowling, just a helpful amateur. Any use of PPP will require a royalty of up to 50% back to me though. It's just The Law.

Herman missing; presumed in shed

2007-04-10T12:23:00.000Z

Well, the votes are in and the world has LITERALLY voted with it's feet this time.

Conclusions:

EVERYONE (75%) wants to buy a chocolate bar called 'Belmot's Massive Co-Co Thump' as big as one of their legs.

The VAST majority of people (15%) think my advice is excellent, regardless of their own personal consumer issues.

No-one (0%) wants JK Rowling to do a 360-degree U-turn and start writing Harry Potter as a ginger character. Pay attention for ONCE, Rowling!

If you multiply these figures all by two million, that's consumer insight you CAN'T afford to ignore. Basically, it's the whole of Britain.

If you're planning on having a vending machine installed in your hall or bedroom, make sure you've future-proofed it so it can dispense chocolate up to two feet in length. I will NOT take the blame if you haven't done 'the maths'.

I haven't seen my husband for a few days now, possibly up to a week, so I'm assuming that there will be a LOT of unwashed plates in the shed. If anyone reading this is a radio ham, can you broadcast Herman and tell him to bring his washing-up OUT of the shed when he's done. I do NOT want to think about the state of his clothes. A rinse cycle won't be enough and that's a GUARANTEE.

My definitive GREAT advertising guide

2007-04-02T15:47:00.000Z

There’s recently been MORE rubbish than usual written on the internet (not tidy at all) about how to make GREAT advertising. This, PLUS dealing with the CONSTANT stream of advice requests I get, has basically brought my ‘new business’ activities to a standstill.

So, once and for all, here is the DEFINITIVE guide on how to make great advertising. If you see ANYTHING which contradicts this somewhere else, ignore it AND try to eradicate it by whatever means (it doesn’t matter, so don’t ask).

1) Know your audience. You CAN’T sell ANYTHING to ANYONE if you don’t know them so don’t even try. Stop NOW!

Fortunately, investing in market research is a waste of time. Just use the following ‘Belmot approved’ chain of thoughts:
~ What do I CURRENTLY think of this product?
~ What would make me buy it?
~ Show me the advert inside my head to make this happen.

Now multiply your answers by 1,000 and you’ve got HEFTY customer insight. Multiply by bigger numbers if you need to prove a point to nay-saying proles (marketing directors, creative directors, board chairmen. The list goes on).

2) Follow EVERY hunch you have. This works for Morse, NYPD Blue, Trotter and famous detectives worldwide. For example, I’ve LITERALLY got a hunch that selling pre-mixed milk and cereal in take-away plastic bags (like a goldfish at a fair) would be a SURE-FIRE hit with commuters. No need for a spoon either. “Just lift, pour and enjoy some more”.

This is a 100% bacon delivery mind technique, no questions asked. Someone take notice NOW.

3) Read the signs. If no-one wants a product, just stop making it. Spending a hundred pounds on a MASSIVE ad campaign may bring you glory NOW, but will eventually robe you in the clothes of shame. We’ve ALL been burned by this in the past, but practically NO-ONE has learnt the lesson, so write this down: glory now = shame later.

4) Also avoid shame by going to the toilet WHILE visiting clients. No opportunity for glory there.

5) If you’re mind is DEAD set on attaining glory, the army may be the best route for you. They give out medals like eggs at Easter. Make sure you’re fit BEFORE you arrive though, or they will LITERALLY take a hammer to you.

6) Running is EXCELLENT for all round fitness.

7) No-one EVER attained glory and awards by making adverts for boring products. If you’ve got a rubbish brand on ‘the books’, simply ignore it and work on something more exciting. I was paid up front MONTHS ago to create a campaign for my local butcher but what’s the point? I’m waiting for a meatier account. Ha ha! That’s IRONIC in many ways. If it’s not, it’s still a great joke.

Joking aside, making 2 for 1 stickers to go on sausages is dull as a DITCH. I wish I’d never accepted the job, but I needed the money over Christmas.

8) Don’t worry, the butcher doesn’t read my blog. I asked. If he does, Peter your chops STINK. Get some better cuts of meat, cheapskate! Also, the stickers are coming along BRILLIANTLY, so don’t bother phoning me again.

9) ALWAYS follow the golden rules of ‘Belmot’s Brand Pyramid’ to select your advertising medium:

Word of Mouth (best)
Internet (also the best)
TV (great)
Cinema (BIG but aimed at morons)
Radio (cheap but rubbish – great for the brands you simply don’t care about)
Everything else is just WASTING your client’s money

Something went wrong in Dorking

2007-03-29T15:33:00.000Z

No measurable reduction in violence in Dorking and no discernible increase of footfall in the town's nightclubs since my recent mystery outdoor campaign to really PACK people into the clubs. The 'moths' have resisted my 'Rubiks Cube', which is VERY unexplainable.

I stickered an ENTIRE car park with home-printed (written in biro) post-it notes, so the audience ratings would have been SKY HIGH. I don't know what went wrong, but you can't blame me for trying so don't bother (you would be AMAZED how many people regularly do blame me for trying).

Herman once blamed me for frying, but in fairness the smoke in the kitchen was hazardous and set off the smoke alarm, so that's a "fair cop". The walls still need a wipe down. The soot and grime is shameful but it makes every meal feel 'Dickensian', which is a GREAT bonus.

The internet is now VERY fast and here's the proof:

Yesterday I created an entirely new chocolate product and I've had ONE big company already warning me off producing it with STRONG legal cautions. Again, this shows my mind is WAY ahead of the curve in most sectors.

MY Legal advisor (Carol - she hoovers for us but she's got an unnaturally mistrustful mind, which makes her good at The Law) said I should go ahead and make the Co-Co Thump but she had a selfish, hungry look in her eyes = not to be trusted.

I've decided I'll make it tonight under cover of darkness (turn lights off in the kitchen). It means suspending work on my hat/router project, but the reward for appetite and tastebuds will be LARGE.

Did I EVER receive an answer from JK Rowling? Answer = no. Conclusion = a GREAT writer but tardy/rude in her responses to plot suggestions. Also the films make NO sense plot-logically and the actors seem to change every five minutes.

If Harry Potter was ginger, would you 'buy' it? Who knows? Or would you rather eat a Co-Co Thump? Vote NOW!

My mouth is non-traditional media

2007-03-28T10:10:00.000Z

What's the best form of advertising? Word of mouth, that's who!

Until we get wireless routers installed in hats (I'm working on THAT), we're stuck using the old-fashioned method of talking to each other. Normally this involves sticking to a topic of conversation, but I've RARELY been one for tradition except when it comes to marriage, scheduled eating times and The Law. Don't break it, or it will take a hammer to you.

Anyway, what's to stop someone (like ME) from using my mouth to advertise things like a moving, audio billboard? Answer = nothing.

Yesterday I was at the bus stop with a LOT of potential 'punters' (the weather was GREAT if you want to picture the scene). TOTALLY spontaneously I muttered "Snickers REALLY delivers in the hunger eradication stakes".

No-one paid any attention at all and we all got on the bus, but at a subliminal-brain-audio level, I can 100% guarantee that all SEVEN people will crave Snickers like brainwashed sheep next time they're hungry. I'm keeping an eye on the stock market to see how it impacts on confectionery share prices.

If you want to book 'media space' on my mouth, let me know but be aware that the rates are SKY HIGH. The ROI bacon is a shoo-in, though, so it's worth double whatever I'm charging. Probably more.

All this talk of food is making me famished! I've got a hankering for pineapple sandwiches and I DON'T know where it came from.

If I was inventing a chocolate bar, I'd call it "Belmot's Massive Co-Co Thump" which would accurately descibe it's ingredients (cocoa), it's size (gargantuan - you'd need both hands to hold it. Ideally three) and the feeling you'd get when you ate it (an agonising thumping for your cholesterol levels and heart). I'm smacking my lips already!

Dorking clubbers = moths to my Rubik's Cube

2007-03-22T09:41:00.000Z

I've been doing some TOP-LEVEL planning in the last few days to really dig into the key insights of what drives people into my local nightclub (Reflexions). The establishment is a much-hated disgrace in the area so this is the PERFECT time for a re-brand.

I haven't done any research in 'the field' but I've literally got a hunch that people go to nightclubs to drink booze and release violent emotions.

Using my brain (sharp as a KNIFE), I turned these key insights into a creative execution leaflet (printed on Post-It notes):

Ha ha! It's BRILLIANT, isn't it? It appeals to the thirst for booze AND the violent temperament of the average 'clubgoer'. But the REAL bacon delivery system is the MYSTERY element of the 'secret'. What is it? Do YOU know? Can YOU work it out? Unlikely.

There is NO secret, but beer-fuelled proles won't care. That brand of imbecile will be unstoppably attracted against their will to seek out the conundrum, like moths to a Rubik's cube.

The proof of THIS pudding can be seen in the popularity of the Da Vinci Code. Complete RUBBISH and intriguing. The film was a 'popcorn' smash too.

Once I've doubled the intake of vomiting dance enthusiasts, I'll be able to invoice the club owner (whoever that is) BIG time. He can't argue with the tills, so I'll just ask to see his takings to prove my case. Leaflets + effectiveness = remuneration. Case closed!

In case students go clubbing (literally no-one knows if they do), I've also created a Gilbert & George version. Apparently they're bacon deliverers too.

It's arty but witless, like the OVERWHELMING majority of students and Gilbert & George's cannon. Booom! Ha ha!

I'm trying to persuade Herman to do some 'field' research at the club tonight, but he's refusing to miss Holby City. He has a good but LAZY point, as usual.

The car is NOT macabre, the club is VIOLENT

2007-03-21T10:13:00.000Z

If you could see my eyes right now (which literally I hope you CAN'T) you would realise that I've barely slept a WINK and need more 'kip'. They're LITERALLY as red as lobsters.

Through a combination of GREAT advertising and overwhelming cowardice, I had to stay up ALL night comforting my husband and reading appropriate passages from the bible.

Herman got into the car last night to go to Budgens for more gravy granules and, through a combination of his damp clothes and the cold weather, the windscreen immediately steamed up. As planned, the steam revealed my cutting-edge advert for 'shammy' leather on the screen.

Unfortunately, Herman saw his name being written on the glass by an unseen hand and illogically assumed it was the work of malign AND macabre spirits from the astral plains. He ran screaming into the house and put his head under the bed covers. The maths WASN'T done on this as it's VERY unlikely that macabre spirits would tell anyone to clean their car using name brand cleaners.

OPPORTUNITY: Whoever cracks 'macabre advertising' like this will create a DEFINITE niche in the market and that's a GUARANTEE.

Anyway, upshot = muggins here had to:

turn off the car engine (good for the environment)
close the front door (good for the heating bills)
placate Herman's distraught mind with relaxing readings from Exodus (his favourite section, NOT mine) until he fell asleep at 9.45am this morning

He's refusing to go any further than the upstairs landing until our Turkish minister/decorator comes back and performs ANOTHER exorcism on the car. Personally, I think Cillit Bang will literally do the same job for half the price, but anything which stops Herman shaking and wailing like a baby in an earthquake is a silver lining.

The whole thing has meant that I've had to put my 'new business' activities on hold again. I'm doing a LOT of strategy planning into how to revitalise a rubbish nightclub in town. It's always in the papers with allegations of loud music and drunk 'nightclubbers' causing alcohol-fuelled violence on the streets. A civic disgrace.

My plan is to develop a leaflet campaign to REALLY get the punters through the doors. At least double current figures, at a conservative estimate. If it works, I'll just invoice the club owner BIG-time for the revenue I've created. I need the cash.

He hasn't asked me to do this but he won't complain when he literally sees the bacon coming through the door.

Cleaning products CAN deliver bacon

2007-03-20T15:37:00.000Z

Hold on TIGHT because today is a whistle-stop tour through the HOT news that I've been thinking about:

All windows should come with an advert for Windowlene written on them in wax. This would basically be invisble until the window got steamed up. Solution? Buy Windowlene!
Do EXACTLY the same thing for car windows, but advertising 'shammy' leather.
Public demand would then force Halfords to sell these products at traffic lights (GREAT point of sale supply (POSS)), if only to clear the filthy wax off the windscreen. The potential for traffic collisions would be HIGH but balanced out by sales of 'shammies'.

I'm going to test this out with a sample of the driving community (my husband). If he notices that I've written on our windscreen in wax (it was vanilla scented, but it does NOT have to be in future), then that's good. If he actually BUYS a 'shammy' leather then we'll ALL be eating bacon and that's 100% in stone.

Actually, I'll be surprised if he buys a 'shammy' leather as I only got as far as writing "HERMAN - CLEAN THIS MUCK OFF WITH A NAME BRAND CLEANER" before I ran out of space on the screen and had to move onto the bonnet. If he can see through the glass at all, it'll be a good but unlikely start.

Here's another cleaning product 'no-thinker' for you to fathom to its logical conclusion: Mr Sheen should be used as a mascot of the 'Eastern European' countries because he's Polish.

Ha ha HA! That works on at least two levels:

Advertising common sense
A GREAT joke

If anyone uses it, credit me VERY big. I've a STRONG suspicion I'm not getting the credit I deserve for a lot of my guru thinking. I need to start reaping cash FAST.

Hot idea for a ROTTING brand

2007-03-16T12:11:00.000Z

Here's a HOT idea which is 100% guaranteed to revive a DEAD brand and give Web-You afficionados a higher quality of web experience.

First of all, what's the point of Tipp-Ex now? NO-ONE uses it because there's no typewriters OR paper anymore. This is what I call a ROTTING brand: just taking up space on the shelves. I've got a bottle somewhere which is probably impossible to open because I've not used it since getting a computer.

Secondly, what's the WORST thing about the internet? Answer = it's a mess and it's FULL of rubbish.

Thirdly, put together two problems (see above) and what do you get? Answer = a GENIUS solution: Tipp-Ex for the internet!

Using either a USB port or a wireless router, put Tipp-Ex online and start getting rid of the RUBBISH that's filling up the web. At first, it would be handy for editing spelling mistakes, but later you could 'white-out' WHOLE websites which offended you (Tesco).

The ROI bacon is that you'll NEVER have to look at bad websites again AND Tipp-Ex comes back from the dead to be a MAJOR player in the new-world-web-order of web-enabled stationery. That's "pot black" for Belmot!

Someone get cracking on this NOW. If you want to imagine a graph of the current situation, picture 'demand' being high, but 'supply' at rock bottom.

Ha ha! It's all VERY simple if you're brain works like mine (unlikely, I spend a lot of time refining my thinking).

I'll clean this land with GENETICS

2007-03-15T13:13:00.000Z

Witness the animal kingdom future of litter-collection !

The government's recent decision to keep the South East of England defended with deadly nuclear capabilities set me thinking about the problem of there being TOO much chewing gum on the streets.

Mr 'brain-jerk' reaction to ANY problem is to find a futuristic solution, and the abomination of nature that you behold now is the planet's ONLY hope. It's basically a mongrel dog but with a 'scrapey' nose and it ONLY eats chewing gum or the dead carcasses of other 'scrapey' dogs. Clever, eh? I can't see a single flaw in this genetic design.

It looks hideous and would terrify you beyond the limits of sanity the first time you saw one maruading at breakneck speeds through the street (I've designed it with a top speed of 85mph for efficiency), but you'd soon feel the ROI in having no gum on the pavement.

The only alternatives are:

1) Resurface EVERWHERE with grey polka-dot paving slabs so the gum 'blends in'. HIGHLY attractive but not practical - the council would whinge like infants if you so much as suggested it.

2) Only sell green chewing gum and actively encourage EVERYONE to spit it onto the roads. This would eventually replace the unsightly tarmac with lush, green highways:

I'd DEFINITELY call it either 'The Green, Green Gum of Home' or 'England's Green and Pleasant Gum' (patriotic).

Do NOT email me asking for gum OR a 'scrapey' dog. I currently have neither but I can GUARANTEE that this will not deter enthusiastic idiots who've only skimmed the text and not 'skleaned' it.

Weather BRILLIANT, but is dinner un-themed

2007-03-14T13:01:00.000Z

Ha ha! Hello!

The weather in Dorking is BRILLIANT at the moment and the ROI is that my brain feels GREAT! Woo-oo!

After a LOT of research, I decided to use a Greek Orthodox minister to perform the exorcism on my husband's portrait and the satanically damp towel. I couldn't find a Greek minister (short supply in Dorking = gap in the market) but DID track down a Turkish decorator (practically the same thing but more moustache).

Anyway, his theological AND interior design opinion was that the radiator needed to be bled (not as macabre as it sounds) and that a BAD mixture of creosote and cheap paint was causing Herman's portrait to rot and decay. Case closed!

So in many ways, everything is back to normal, except for the reek of brimstone which now permeates every room, intrudes on my dreams and fills my senses with terror like a foul mist.
That reminds me, I need to go to the butcher QUICKLY. His meat is WELL past it's prime at the best of times, but it gets a LOT worse in the afternoon which is BAD news for the dinner party I've planned for this weekend.

I still need to pick a theme for the party, so SOME suggestions are welcome, but not RUBBISH ones. Don't try and 'talk turkey' if you're a rank amateur. GREAT ideas for dinner party themes I've had in the past are:

Big Brother: Sellotape disposable cameras in every room and force everyone to drink cider. Ruined by Herman impersonating Craig and parading around the table with his shirt off.

Fancy dress: Great fun but ALWAYS ruined by Herman refusing to dress as anyone other than Bismarck.

Murder: Watch a video of Morse. Frequently ruined by Herman asking "Is this the one where Lewis is sick in a passage?". This makes him an IDIOT because we only have one episode on tape so we ALWAYS watch that one. Carol dressed up as Miss Marple once, which was confusing for EVERYONE. I didn't know where to look.

Harry Potter: whatever a guest wants to eat 'magically' appears on the table. The reality was I pretended to be a fortune-telling waitress, then ran into the kitchen and made whatever people wanted. Derek's diabetes took a 'hammering' that night, for obvious reasons. His eyes swelled to DISGUSTING proportions after I gave him a profiterole tower.

There was also definite friction when EVERYONE turned up with a lightning blot scar biro'd on their forehead. We couldn't ALL be Harry Potter, so 99% of guests had to wash this off which RUINED the hand towel in the downstairs cloakroom. Also most wands were lost or broken and everyone left unhappy.

I had a Garfield party in the 80s once. Badly thought out and painful to think about now. NOT everyone likes lasagne.

Anyway, my favourite theme at the moment is either 'Christmas' (obvious) or 'Internet' (I have NO idea how this would work). Herman wants a 'Panthers and Gazelles' theme, but that's his answer to everything at the moment.

The damp is inexpressibly macabre

2007-03-09T10:17:00.000Z

The level of occult activity in my house is now UNBEARABLE.

Last night my husband said he heard a disembodied voice last night, which is rich coming from an amateur radio enthusiast. He should be used to THAT level of paranormal activity, the stupid coward.

I also put a damp towel on the bathroom radiator yesterday morning and it was STILL damp in the evening. I don't know if this is a direct result of occult activity or not (I'm NOT an expert in this field, despite popular opinion saying otherwise) but it's DEFINITELY not a normal dampness. It has a macabre aura to it which fills me with a sinking despair.

If I've become the victim of satanic practices, I will NOT be impressed. At best I will be astonished, but in an irritated way.

Herman continues to look unnaturally healthy (glowing with rude health, in fact) while his portrait has moldered beyond recognition. The hoover is CONSTANTLY out to clear up the blistered paint all over the dining room carpet. Vooooom!

I really need to call a priest to sort this out. If you have any recommendations on which denomination is toughest on Satan, let me know quickly and I'll give them a go. Ideally a Polish faith which works harder and is cheaper than English workmen/curates.

To make matters worse, I saw a letter from the National Gallery in the post this morning. I would LITERALLY die of embarrassment if they exhibited Herman's portrait as it is. Potentially letting 'Old Nick' loose in central London would be a BAD move too, for many people.

Old Nick and Saint Nick. Isn't one of them Santa Clause? Santa is an anagram of Satan = two similarities. They both wear RED = three similarities. That's one too many for me.

On the plus side, it's reminded me that I need a LOT more ketchup and Bovril. We're having people to dinner tomorrow and I'm making my infamous bolognaise. It's 100% beefier and 30% more tomatoey than the average rubbish you'll have been eating. That's a GUARANTEE.

Mama mia! Ha ha ha!

It may be an OCCULT pact

2007-03-06T17:37:00.000Z

Something VERY occult has happened in the last few days. I've noticed that Herman's recent painting of himself has been decaying at a rate of knots, but his face has barely changed at all!

This is perturbing because he's DEFINITELY been ill and should be looking at least 60% worse. As it is, he looks about 38% BETTER than he usually does. I will NOT be pleased if he's made ANY kind of occult pact. The last pact he made involved us sitting in a timeshare apartment presentation for HOURS and only got a set of bad cutlery in return. Criminal.

It's ALSO perturbing because he mounted the painting on the wall in the dining room, so it's shedding paint all over the sideboard.

The stench of brimstone in that room is unbearable.

The whole affair reeks of being sinister and I DON'T like it. The implications are disgusting, to say the least and I don't need the chattering classes raking up muck about yours truly (me). The Dorking Advertiser is ALWAYS on the look-out for 'dirt' on me and they'd have a field day if they got hold of this.

MORE bad Belmot news is that the fence panel Herman 'requisitioned' for his painting hasn't been replaced, so I can see STRAIGHT through into next door's garden and THEN into their house. I've been staring through the gap for hours and it's boring. Come on! Do something! If next door realise that this is a "two-way street" and can look back through, the bad news will be sky high. Literally.

I need a 'jee and tea' and make it quick! Ha ha! Isn't that what Trotter always drinks in the pub?

Ha ha! My brain is now FULL of endorphins and I feel GREAT! Good old Trotter!

The slop is effective, the advert is NOT

2007-03-05T14:59:00.000Z

I've DEFINITELY just discovered a flaw in the television at the moment while trying to sort out my husband's chesty cough and blocked sinuses. Look at the doctor on Eastenders:

Now here she is AGAIN as a mother buying Vicks:

The whole thing is VERY confusing because:
1) She's having 'baby problems' on Eastenders but has a baby in this advert = confusing!
2) She's buying Vicks in a supermarket but, as a doctor, would probably just send a nurse out to buy it for her in real life = wrong!
3) It was on ITV and Eastenders is on BBC = confused brand message!

Anyway, I can GUARANTEE that this will NOT sell Vicks OR help anyone understand Eastenders (impenetrable at the best of times, downright sordid at the worst). The only good thing about the whole disaster is that the advert is EXCELLENT. I give it four stars**** for goodness, but minus three stars-*-*-* for clarity. Rotten to the core.

After this mayhem was eventually cleared up, the good shops were shut and Herman was making noises like an air-locked radiator full of mud. Inhuman.

Fortunately, I managed to create my own Vicks out of chewing gum, horseradish, toothpaste (Macleans, but Colgate would have been 100% better), glue and turps. Easy if you have the ingredients to hand. Impossible if you don't (unless the shops are open: then you're back to square one).

So far, the feedback is that it's minty AND effective. Herman says he hasn't felt this sinus-clean since he was "gassed good and proper" in the army. He's prone to exaggeration though - he keeps making lewd comments about not minding the doctor from Eastenders cutting his leg off, which is a downright LIE. He cried like an infant when he dropped a paving slab on his foot last year while re-doing the patio.

Anyway, he didn't sleep a wink ALL night due to the burning sensation inside his head and eyes from my homebrew Vicks. That's a CLOUD, but the lack of gurgling and grunts through the night is a silver lining.

I'm not sure whether to email the BBC or Vicks about this new medicine. I may just take it to the local chemist on a 'sale or return' basis. I need the mop bucket to clean the floor but it's brimming over with the fuming slop.

Thieves won't take my blog

2007-03-01T13:57:00.000Z

No word from the National Gallery, which is GOOD news as far as my reputation is concerned.

Apparently the government have banned junk food advertising, which is rich when you look at John Prescott! He's as fat as a FOOL and these pictures may as well be captioned:

"Give me burgers! I'll eat the blooming lot! I'll DEFINITELY have more than I need for my daily energy intake! Yum yum! Oooh yes, yum yum!"

Anyway, if you're thinking AHEAD of the curve or merely reading ahead of the curve (hint: you're doing this right now) then you'll have realised that it's a storm in a cup.

The CLEVER answer is not to advertise anything as junk food. Simply call it 'lunch', 'dinner' or 'grub' if you're advertising to the 'common' end of the market. Why can't anyone else see this? Come on! It shouldn't be up to me EVERY time (although it always IS).

Maybe MacDonalds should only hand over a Big Mac once you've dropped and given them twenty (press-ups or sit-ups, not squat-thrusts: too easy). I'd brand this exercise-rewarded catering as 'hunk food'. H is next to J on the keyboard so that's EASY for a start. Case closed!

Resurrecting a VERY popular favourite, I had toast for breakfast and chops for lunch. It's too early for dinner but I'm STILL in the mood for chops. Can you get turkey chops? I like the idea and I can REALLY picture what they look like in my mind.

Only reply to this if you're a qualified butcher and can 'talk turkey'. I don't want hack amateurs airing their dirty opinions in my public.

Ha ha! This ENTIRE post has been about food! Look out Gordon Ramsey!

The garage door was left open all night which is bad for security but good for 'obvious reasons'. I doubt burglars read the internet so I'm not worried about broadcasting this to the thieving classes. If my blog goes missing tomorrow, you'll know it's been stolen off the internet! Ha ha!

I'm genuinely still in the mood for chops and now I want a drink too.

The National Gallery must NOT receive my fence

2007-02-26T16:49:00.000Z

Hello blog watcher-thinkers!

The HOT news is that my fence is RUINED.

Herman has spent the weekend 'painting' a self portrait of himself as part of his plan to "distill his essence" so future generations would know what kind of a man he was. His first act was to remove one of our fence panels so he had something to paint onto, so a FOOL is the answer to that.

Anyway, the whole thing is a tissue of LIES told in Dulux 'daffodil white' (basically magnolia) and NOTHING like the truth of his essence. He's painted himself as a 'great white hunter' in Africa standing on top of a HEAP of dead lions and tigers with a shotgun in his hand.

For NO reason at all, there's also a pair of what look like popes but are apparently nuns sitting in a carriage behind him while a hyena looks hungrily at Herman from behind a scrubby tree. Idiotic.

Here's my "artist's impression" of it (actually just as good as the real thing but I can't find the camera to take a photo of it in it's STUPID glory):

I DREAD to think what anyone will think the next time we have a dinner party. The real thing is literally as big as a fence panel and the faces of the popes/nuns follow you around the house wherever you go. Creepy.

I've spent ALL day hiding the address of the National Gallery from Herman so he doesn't post the fence off and create even more negative attention for me (the last thing I need).
.
Anyway, the REAL issue is that Herman won't even go into to the DIY shop to buy proper paint because of his fear of the teenage shop assistants, so there's NO chance of him ever hunting animals on another continent, now or in the past. Case closed.
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That said, he's got a point. The staff in our local shop have cadaverous faces and follow you unspeaking around the aisles. Creepy, like the pope.

If anyone reading this does the advertising for Homebase, you should DEFINITELY make this your core brand message: "our staff do NOT have cadaverous faces".

If this is true you will bring home the ROI bacon 100%. Check your staff faces first though, the government has gone BANANAS for advertising clamping lately and will RUIN your business if they think you're lying.

Herman's legacy may be in the toilet

2007-02-22T16:31:00.000Z

I've just been down the shops and seen Marmitey-Guinness, which made me think TWO things:
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1) It's a waste of time as Marmite and Guinness taste IDENTICAL. Only connoisseurs and liars will tell you any different.
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2) It's still a waste of time and it would have been better to have produced a paste which was time-saving AND tasty, such as Bovril and Smash (your RDA of beef and potatoes), or peanut butter and breadcrumbs (saves the need to spread on bread).
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All day I've had to put up with Herman asking me about his 'legacy' and how he thinks future generations will view him. He keeps coming in from the shed and saying that he needs to do SOMETHING to safeguard his reputation in history. Then he forgets what he came in for (nothing at all) and goes back to the shed.
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This sort of woolly thinking is a MASSIVE hinderance to my new business activities. I don't know WHERE he gets these ideas, but I'm DEFINITELY going to stop him from bringing ANY sci-fi material into the house (books, magazines, murals).

He's just come in and asked where we keep the "history materials".
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I'm assuming he means the old newspapers and NOT his army uniform, so I've directed him to the toilet. It's like a branch of WHSmith in there most of the time.

The floor is contemporary AND rubbish

2007-02-20T10:28:00.000Z

Blog a log a pog! (this really hasn't caught on. It's just flogging a dead horse)

Herman's curiosity/dangerous obsession with property development TV programmes took on physical form yesterday when he hired an industrial floor sander to "buff up" the kitchen floor.

He didn't bother to move any chairs or the kitchen table but decided to sand around them, so the results are best described as "patchy". Rubbish, really. Also it's completely RUINED the lino. The pattern has been totally scuffed off and parts of it are scraped to ribbons.

That said, it's DEFINITELY a contemporary look and I get a LOT more purchase when walking on the floor. Overall, the ROI is greater purchase for my feet but NOT my eyes.

I don't know what Sarah Beeney would say, but I'd assume it would be constructive and RUDE, in the style of Gordon Ramsey and Simon Callow.

By comparison, the man who collected the sander was NOT constructive but VERY rude. Apparently the machine is designed for use on floor boards and could be now be RUINED with lino clogging the filters. Ha ha! His 'cloud' is our 'silver lining' (although the kitchen does now look RUBBISH in both natural and artificial light).

Since winning the internet election, I've had an EXCLUSIVE interview with some top thinkers. You can read the whole interview at AdLads, but here's a taste of my key insights. Some of this thinking is FAR ahead of the curve, so don't feel bad if it goes HIGH over your head. If you want an EXCLUSIVE interview too, just email me and I'll DEFINITELY do it.

Q: What 10 things should an advertising planner never do?
a) Always be planning (ABP). If you stop, except to eat and go to the t*ilet, you are NOT a planner by definition.

b) Never not blog. Blogging and planning are what the intelligentsia know as 'synonyms'. The proles call this 'words say different but be the same'. Idiots.

c) The Ten Commandments are a GOOD place to start if you're looking for things not to do, but there are at least four other GREAT commandments I can think of which should be thought of as "biblical no-no's" too. Drinking any kind of seafood smoothie after 11pm is an example. This is experience speaking.

d) Trust robots to do your job for you. They will NOT.

e) Run into the Creative Department with scissors facing outwards. Neither side can be trusted with the necessary safety awareness.

f) If you are in the public eye, take care of your appearance. If you can't manage this, invest in 'covering' clothing such as boiler suits and balaclavas. No one wants to see unsightly things.

g) Keep livestock in the airing cupboard. Self-explanatory.

h) Let a client use your facilities (t*ilet) without freshening it first. They will judge you and NEVER change their opinion.

i) Start statements with phrases like "Based on no research at all, I've got a hunch that...". Respect = lost.

Q: Raiders of the Lost Arc or Police Academy?
I haven't seen either of these films as both had EXCELLENT posters. If you can sum up a film in one poster, then you've not only done your job but saved me the price of admission (great ROI).

The 'Lost Ark' poster told me all I need to know (cowboy goes on holiday to Egypt, wins beach volleyball contest, irritates his headmaster but still goes to college). The Police Academy poster made me want to watch The Bill with American accents. Enough said. 4 stars****

Q: Tell us how much you love your husband with the utmost emotional out pour you can possibly muster. We want to be crying after we read you answer.
This really is Herman's area again so I've asked him what the answer is. He says he'd describe me as a "good egg". He is NOT an overly-emotional man.

This is also part of a worrying trend of his to refer to everything as 'eggs'. Yesterday alone, he called Gordon Brown a 'bad egg'; our car a 'fast egg'; a cup of tea a 'nice hot egg' and also an omelette a 'hot flat egg' (factually true). I don't know WHERE he's got this from. I'm hoping it's just a phase.

He's just asked for a 'quick trip to the eggs'. I literally haven't a CLUE what he's referring to.

Actually, the toilet door has just closed, so the mystery has been solved.

Send ME Victorious

2007-02-16T12:36:00.000Z

The good news is that I'm now in charge of the internet after TROUNCING all the other competition in the general election.

The TROUNCING would have been a lot more of a WHITEWASH LANDSLIDE victory but I received most of my votes through my postbox. Some people are idiots, even when prompted with cold hard logic.

Herman has put out an A.P.B across the radio ham airwaves with the message "Peace and tidiness in our time". I haven't got a clue what he's playing at as none of his luddite cronies read the internet. He's been in the shed for hours now though, so that is a SILVER lining.

My first act as President of Web You has been to start handing out awards to websites which comply to Belmot's Tidy Regulations Act 07 (this site is Five Star tidy*****). I've also granted an EXCLUSIVE interview to The AdLads and appointed Russell Davies as my Chancellor of PR, which he has graciously accepted as a part-time, no-money involved position (probably - not confirmed at time of going to press. Russell, this is one for you to check).

Carol has agreed to host an inauguration dinner at her house tomorrow night. This is a good idea from a PR/spin point of view if she gets the press involved (Russell - please check this), but a BAD idea from a hunger/satisfaction point of view. Her cooking is abysmal and she never makes any concessions for Herman's 'problem'.

Selfish, is the word I would use.

Last time we went round, there was a DELIBERATE lack of enough food. This all stems from the time that Herman brought his own pudding to a dinner party. She's never forgiven him and hasn't a CLUE about putting together a media-neutral advertising campaign.

Herman's six-point strategy to get the Simon Cowell look is at stage one: volumise his hair.
He looks RIDICULOUS, so I've requested he stand in front of bright lights at all times. As a silhouette, you don't see the detail (a BONUS), but you do still see the shape (distracting at best, offensive at worst).

A lot of science-fiction films GUARANTEE that robots will take over the world. I've dismissed this idea for many years but I may have to retract the thinking on this one after I went to the Post Office this morning. I just have a hunch.

Rubbish king of Scotland

2007-02-14T15:02:00.000Z

I went to see the Braveheart sequel 'King of Scotland' last night. Belmot verdict = rubbish.
Mel Gibson looks 'pasty' and not 'buff' and the whole thing is played for laughs, right up until the end where they kill him again.

All in all it's VERY baffling and only provided a total of 17 BIG belly laughs. No-one even used the Braveheart catchphrase "There can be only one" either, so the marketing possibilities are a write-off. I didn't want to say "me too" more than a handful of times.

The only thing in its favour was that the depiction of Scotland seemed reasonably accurate - not ONE wireless router in sight and no-one checked their email during the ENTIRE film.

Herman complained about the lack of "kilt action", but I'm assuming he's confused - he thought we were watching Wallace & Grommit for the first 20 minutes. It's not clear when the misunderstanding crept in. Possibly in the car on the way there.

In conclusion: 2 stars ** for effort, but essentially a pedestrian script let down by a reliance on CGI.

That said, I had a GREAT time and will DEFINITELY buy this on DVD (or whatever format is best at Christmas time - probably an internet one).

Here's a great idea for a TV show like the X Factor but better: Kurt Russell, Louis Walsh and a token woman (possibly Agatha Christie) are the judging panel on 'The Wow Factor'. Members of the public can do ANYTHING at all, and if they make two out of three judges say "Wow", they are through to the next round.

Examples would be:

A blind train driver ("wow - how does he do work?")
A Harry Potter lookalike ("wow - enough said")
A man who owns TEN windmills standing before you (I'm literally saying "wow" at the very concept)

There would be 50 rounds in total and the final is in front of a live audience and the same rules apply except the AUDIENCE has to say "Wow".

The sooner ITV jumps onto forward-thinking programs like this, the sooner watchers will come flocking back = good news for advertising. The current programming schedule is an embarrassment. No wonder Robbie Coltrane refuses to work for them.

Don't let Cowell on board though - he'll take the money for himself and NOT plough it back into quality detective drama like 'Trotter'. I can GUARANTEE this.

Herman is still keen to get the 'Cowell' look. If you have any pointers, let him know (using amateur radio, ideally).

Vote for Janet; Mel Gibson wants beer

2007-02-13T13:15:00.000Z

Someone called Russell Davies (an enthusiastic and amiable amateur) has decided that my blog is the best on the internet this year. But to quell the naysaying proles, everyone has to vote for me to prove this.

Do this RIGHT NOW at the online voting booth. Then continue reading.

Writing the Best Blog on the Internet is the one to go for. Everything else is essentially the 'Lib Dems' - worthy but essentially ineffectual and a WASTE of your voting rights.

My husband has been getting involved by sellotaping a piece of A4 on the front door with VOTE NOW written on it in red biro. The postman got irate because he'd taped it over the letterbox and got confused about the general election. (There isn't one. I checked).

Herman told him to "post around the propaganda" which doesn't make sense and irritated the postman AND me. Propaganda is NOT advertising (contrary to Alan Sugar's opinion).

Anyway, the postman agreed to shout "VOTE JANET" through every letterbox of houses which looked wealthy. This is a GREAT piece of planning as wealthy houses will have the internet and are probably already aware of the debate (ahead of the curve). Do postmen make great planners or are they killing it? You decide.

In other great news, I SAW a windmill at the weekend and DEFINITELY felt about 75% happier. The sooner someone gets this into an advert, the sooner we'll ALL see the ROI.

Herman also suggested that a good "no-thinker" would be for Linford to marry Agatha Christie but he hasn't done the "maths" on this one on both levels: she's dead and this wouldn't create good advertising.

The key really is to vote NOW though.

Cinema advertising idea: A Web 17 concept would be to have speech recognition software in every cinema seat. If Mel Gibson was on screen and said "I'll have a beer", you could say "me too" and Amazon would deliver one to you (or your work address if you think you'll be out when they try to deliver it).

This would be a SENSATION (especially in the South East where they're ahead of the curve). I can't think how many films I've wanted to say "me too" at. A conservative list would include:

Big Trouble in Little China
Watership Down
Touching the Void
Das Boot (this is one of Herman's. I don't have a clue what he's talking about)

I've done the "maths"

2007-02-09T11:42:00.000Z

Sometimes there is a thing which is so obvious that ANYONE could think it but no-one does. This is what gurus and experts call a "no-thinker". A GREAT example would be to re-brand all police stations 'PC World'.

Because I HAVE thought of a lot of obvious things, here's a list of Belmot's Brainers to save you having to do the "maths":

Mr T should advertise tea. You could call him Mr Tea.

Also Bruce Forsyth could advertise tea because he looks 'chimpy'.

Barbara Cartland could endorse carts and sell them through a shop called Cart Land.
Russ Abbott should be the face of Toys 'R'uss. Ideally, he should be dressed like an abbott in the adverts:

Keep Les Dennis away from anything - he'd be brand poison.

Simon Cowell could be the face of Budgens. I just have a hunch it would work.
Fidel Castro should be the face of cigarettes. Any brand would work - they're all the same.

You might not grasp the concept behind most of these but trust me - I've done the research AND the planning. These would all 100% work.

If you can think of any "no-thinkers" you've done the "maths" on, let me know!

In other industry news, I've been approached by a website which is worried it could be rubbish and asked for my advertising expert opinion. Read my GREAT (and so far un-invoiced for) advice at the Brand Republic Forum.

Mrs Belmot's carbon footprint

2007-02-08T13:41:00.000Z

Advertising idea: record an MP3 of you shouting something like "BUY STORK MARGARINE" and play it loud through speakers in public places (buses, pavements, toilets, orphanages, etc.).

If someone says "Yes, I will," then there's a microphone which detects this, recognises your voice and posts you a pack of margarine (hopefully not through Tesco - their delivery service was contemptable when I used it).

This is called digital outdoor advertising and is a great way of interacting with consumers at THEIR level. Other great things to advertise in this way would be stamps, petrol and building materials. The key is to play the adverts LOUD so everyone can hear them.

Make sure you have voice recognition software in place before attempting this though - I've been burnt by this before.

Alan (surname unknown) left today. Some relative (female) came and picked him up to take him to the doctor. He'd lost a LOT of weight but this is no bad thing. He was much fatter than is healthy, in my amateur's opinion. A real bloater, although sadly not any more.

Anyway, he's gone so now we need to get some carpet-fitters in to quote for replacing the carpet in the bathroom. Herman says the stains remind him of the 60s. I don't know what he means but it's a DISGRACE. A major part of my brain regrets having Alan (surname unknown) to stay.

On the plus side, he ate 7 times his body weight in Milork and Belmot Jam. Using a metaphor, the cloud (Alan) STANK and ruined the carpet, but had a silver lining (got rid of surplus food taking up space in the garage).

I have NOT been innundated with people signing up to my campaign to keep the internet tidy. Come on! We really need to reduce the 'carbon footprint' on this one.

Incidentally, I reduced the 'carbon footprint' of our lounge by putting the kettle, microwave AND toaster on the coffee table. The extra heat generated means that I can turn the radiator down in there (although it's gone UP in the kitchen to compensate). Good news for the planet all round.

No more windmill news yet.

Keep the internet tidy

2007-02-06T12:37:00.000Z

Hello to ALL my blog readers!
I'm starting a new campaign today to keep the internet tidy.

Have you any idea how much RUBBISH there is on the internet? If there was a unit of rubbish, I would estimate the internet to have 5,000 completely RUBBISH units (if not a lot more - no one knows for sure).

Chances are, you'll probably be disappointed by the quality of what you see on the internet and this does NOT release endorphins in your brain to make you feel brilliant. Medical internet fact.

The amount of rubbish has grown, especially with the arrival of Web You (also known as Web 17). You don't have to really understand it as long as you can look at this picture which makes it clear:

My blog is the red X - it's very low on the 'Rubbish' axis (also could be called the axis of evil, according to my husband).

So, in conclusion, there are too many rubbish blogs and websites created by enthusiastic but un-talented AMATEURS. This damages the web for everyone, including the proles.

Solution: if you find a RUBBISH website, email the creator and tell them to get it off the internet NOW. It's like finding dog p** on the pavement, spoiling your walk (browse) along the street (internet). Keep the internet tidy!

You can also 'name and shame' people all over the rest of the internet using forums or even your own blog!

I'd assume that things like Google will actually thank you for making their life easier (less dross for them to read every day).

Wouldn't it be GREAT to own a windmill? That'd be just about the best way to open a conversation with anyone. "I own a windmill".

I can practically GUARANTEE that owning one would release endorphins in your brain AND in other people's brains. I'm literally laughing with happiness just thinking about it. Ha ha ha!

The police have missed a trick

2007-02-01T13:01:00.000Z

I had a GREAT idea this morning while looking at the fridge.

It's for a concept I've branded the iCar (calling things with an i at the front is DEFINITELY in vogue. Do it now, if you haven't already started). It would look like a normal car:

But the BIG difference is that it has a USB port towards the rear on one side (see schematic above for detailed info).

This would allow the 'driver' to download petrol from the internet and food from internet shops right into the boot (Sainsburys. Not Tesco). In the future, you'd be able to find your destination on Multimap, connect your iCar to the internet and woooooosh! You'd just be there through wireless broadband technology!

Ha ha!

It's all SO obvious when you've thought about it (like I have). The proles won't cotton on to this one for YEARS, so don't let the naysaying idiots stop you from getting a USB port fitted. I've asked my husband to take our car down to the MOT centre to see what they can do (I'm expecting nothing - they've got the sense of chimps down there).

If he gets no joy, he's going to try PC World instead. He's got a copy of the technical photo above, so a qualified IT Mechanic should be able to do the job.

Incidentally, the Surrey Police Authority were stupid not to copyright the phrase "PC World" as this would be a GREAT Branding opportunity for the local police station. See also "Cop Shop".
Maybe they could steal a march and register iPC World.

Alan is still in the toilet more than he's out of it, but we're really getting quite fond of having him around. The smell is basically unhuman now though and we wish he would just leave.

The diarrhoea gap is NOT long enough

2007-01-31T14:40:00.000Z

Belmot's Blog: Supplemental: the Morse Toad is NOT Alan (surname unknown).

Apparently the 'Toad' got in touch with Herman last night on the radio saying he didn't like leaving Barnstaple so would DECLINE his invitation.

This DEFINITELY means that we've been hosting a complete stranger in our house for the last six days. Unfortunately, Alan (surname unknown) has been ill since he arrived here and has barely left the spare room except to go to the t*ilet (which he does ALL the time) so I'll have to wait until his diarrhoea abates long enough to ask him to leave. There's barely been a gap so far.

On the plus side, I've managed to shift a GREAT quantity of the sausage, mash & fig jam the BBC website FORCED me to make. Alan's been eating it like it's going out of fashion. (Don't check this - it's never been 'in vogue').

I've opened all the windows in the house which has had the double benefit of airing the stink AND making it uncomfortably cold for any unwanted guests. You can see your breath in most rooms (not the t*ilet though - it's UNNATURALLY clammy in there).

I REALLY want him out as I want to go to the cinema to see the Braveheart sequel "The King of Scotland". I don't know HOW Braveheart will come back from the dead. Maybe by 'celtic magic', like in Harry Potter, or possibly through 'science magic' like in Ee-Ar.

Mel Gibson is GREAT 'popcorn'. This is Belmot cinema-shorthand for a film which, although entertaining enough to eat through, NEVER stimulates the brain, the music is amateurish and the characterisation abysmal. Casting is often pedestrian and the story resolution predicatable hours in advance.
On a scale of zero to Big Trouble in Little China, it would rate an Overboard:

Ha ha! Kurt Russell is a hoot! I LOVE this film!

There isn't a Marketing Director in my toilet

2007-01-26T13:51:00.000Z

Here's a tip for everyone:

If you're a socially backward radio ham, don't accept at face value an invitation to someone's home. Their wife will NOT want you to come and stay.

If you DO come and stay, try taking your filthy shoes off and not treading dirt into all the carpets in the house. You could also make SOME effort to keep the conversation going.

Herman's elusive 'Morse Toad' (real name Alan something) arrived yesterday. We'd have met him much earlier but he'd been standing in the back garden for nearly an hour "waiting for someone to come out".

Eventually he stopped standing in the mud (Herman hasn't re-seeded yet) and came to the front door. He doesn't say much and it took some time to find out what he wanted. He just kept saying "It's Alan" VERY quietly, which was self-evident after the FIRST time he said it.

Anyway, he doesn't have ANYTHING in common with Herman, who took himself off to the shed as soon as he could. Then Alan sighed a lot but still said nothing (a clear indicator of RUDENESS). As he hadn't taken his shoes off, I could NOT invite him into another room.

After an HOUR of standing in silence in the hall I had to go to the toilet (although I told Alan I had a meeting with a Marketing Director upstairs). When I came back, he'd made himself at home in the lounge (shoes and all).

On another topic (or AM I?), if you're an unwanted house guest and you get Milork for a starter (in a bowl) AND a main dinner course (on a plate), you'd be VERY rude to turn it down if someone generously offers it to you as a bedtime drink (in a mug).

Anyway, Alan went to bed at about 8.00pm last night and didn't get up until gone 10am today. Not that Herman knew. He stayed in the shed until 2am hiding and was back out there at 6am. I don't know HOW he managed in the Army. I'm beginning to wonder what he means when he talks about 'active service'.

Alan got jam for breakfast (the garage is full of it, so it's not really generous).

His presence is ruining my 'new business' plan and he knows NOTHING about Digital as the way of the future. Fool.

The BBC jam is muck

2007-01-25T13:18:00.000Z

Blog-a-log-a-bog (this HASN'T caught on anywhere else - I don't know why I bother).

Here's a great idea I posted on Benji and Elliot's blog (no need to go there as I've written it out below):

No-one likes to run around in public in their pants, so schools should have vending machines selling spare PE kit to pupils who forget to bring theirs in.

They could pay a small fee (£45) OR get it free if they put advertising stickers on it (a real life version of AdSense). The amount of stickers you agree to wear changes the cost of the kit.

This is also a great way for APPROPRIATE brands to target children, eg:

MacDonalds
Childline
NSPCC
Local orphanages
Thresher
Eddie Stobart transport logistics

In the winter, companies with a long name could sponsor scarves. Anyone with five words in their name do gloves. Obvious. Case closed.

No word from the BBC about my pitch for 'Trotter'. Mentioning no names, but some people haven't got the sense to commission something EXCELLENT when it's given them on a plate.

The recipes section on their website is rubbish too. Impenetrable AND dull. I tried to make sausage and mash with fig jam and it just ended up as sausage, mash and fig jam. Simultaneously a small AND a big difference. Due to the quantities I used, we've been having it for breakfast since last August.

I gave a lot away for Christmas but most came back, which pleased Herman no end - he loves the muck.

I caught him speading it on sausages once which seemed plain WRONG.

Someone has been ringing the doorbell SOLIDLY for the last 35 minutes and Herman knows for a FACT that I'm blogging on the internet (BOTI) = not to be disturbed. I wish SOMEONE would "do the maths" on this one.

A glimpse of the future

2007-01-24T16:00:00.000Z

This picture will no doubt TERRIFY a lot of people - this is because it's a representation of the future: something which a lot of people are scared of.

In response to Richard's query about whether the internet was ever in black & white, I've gone ONE better and designed a concept we can all start planning for now. Behold a glimpse of the future!

In line with current future concerning (ie worrying about things which MAY happen but haven't yet), I've pulled together the very latest concepts which I'd better explain because most people aren't clever enough to understand:

It's basically a microwave with the cosmos in it. You don't have to use a Sunbeam microwave, but I have.
It's got legs - this is to allow for evolution.
The lightening bolts coming out of the top are the NEW internet. These will not be visible in the future, but they look GOOD on a picture.
Notice how small the people are - this is purely in comparison to the size of the internet.
Once you think of what you want, the internet understands this and delivers it through the microwave door.
The dials become digital radio tuners (although I can't imagine how anyone could reach them - maybe if the legs bent down).
It's broadcasting INLINE, not online. NO-ONE knows what this means, but it will work in the future.

If you're building a forward-looking advertising campaign, make sure you budget for this new media.

Still no sign of Herman's unwanted radio ham guest. Hopefully the snow has put him off for GOOD.

Robots don't help the French

2007-01-23T13:12:00.000Z

Look at this picture of a robot. If this makes you want to buy a French car there's something wrong with you, in my opinion. I think the natural reaction would be to explode it (with the appropriate permission).

This is a GREAT example of TERRIBLE advertising. For some reason, Citroen think this might make everyone want to jump in and go for a ride - a ride of automated terror, is my opinion of what you would REALLY receive.

Herman says he saw plans for something similar when he was in the army but he's a terrible liar for things like this. He probably just saw a big van and didn't pay attention.

Here's my round-up of the internet for what's hot at the moment:

The BBC says the weather will be cold for a few days
I've changed my signature on Brand Republic and exposed their editor as being LAZY. Scoop!
There's not much happening in Dorking, unless it's going on behind the scenes (unlikely - our city council is beyond reproach)
A big argument about blogging killing planning has just finished at Adliterate. I had the last word, which is always the most important one
Still no update on the WORST website I've ever come across. It's just one picture! What a waste of the internet space.

That reminds me, I forgot I was going to pitch for 'new business' to a rubbish brand with some classic Mrs Belmot winning strategies. I got side-tracked writing to the BBC:

"Hello,

Here's my GREAT idea for a spin-off series for David Jason/Derek Trotter:

Programme: TROTTER

Concept: Rodney Trotter and Cassandra have died! Derek Trotter becomes a private detective based in Peckham. Every week he cracks a typically 'East-end' case (like stolen veg from a market stall; Denzel has misplaced a betting slip; a single-mother is assaulted in an underpass).

Every week Derek solves the case and gets a clue about how Rodney died, so he says "This time next year, I'll have solved that murder".

The clever bit is that all the characters are established (no need for a pilot) and David Jason plays Frost on ITV so he knows how to do detective acting.

You can have this for free, but I'd want my name high in the credits (ideally in a bigger font than everyone else).

Best wishes,

Janet"

Still no sign of the Morse Toad. Like a lot of radio hams, he's LITERALLY all talk and no trousers. Apart from getting up four times in the night to check the front door was locked, Herman seems to have forgotten the whole thing.

The Morse Toad could arrive at any time

2007-01-22T13:27:00.000Z

My husband came into the kitchen today looking shifty. His eyes were all over the place and when I asked him what he wanted for breakfast he said "Um. Aah. Hey?" Then he looked out of the window, rested his elbow on the toaster and swore LOUDLY because the toaster was on. That's yet another dressing gown RUINED by the toaster.

My initial reaction (and no doubt yours too) was that he'd sold a "warts and all" story about me to the Dorking Advertiser (the potential bane of my life - although not yet). However, he eventually admitted that 'on air' over the weekend, he invited one of his amateur radio ham friends to come and stay.

Because radio hams do NOT think logically, neither one of them had the intelligence to agree on a date. So now Herman has spent all morning peeking out of the kitchen window to see if anyone is going to arrive. Again - not logical. Our kitchen window faces the garden and I doubt VERY much if anyone is going to arrive through the hedge.

We also don't know his name as hams only broadcast their 'handle', not their real name. If anyone reading this knows or IS "The Morse Toad", please identify yourself using a normal forename/surname combination.

The whole thing is VERY irritating as over the weekend I made the decision to get more actively involved with the advertising industry. I'm going to select a brand which I think is most rubbish and then pitch some ideas to them. If I win, the ROI is that I'll get money for this.

Off the top of my head, brands which I think are rubbish are:

Coke Zero (no explanation needed)
Tesco (their delivery service is a disgrace)
The grocer on Pemberton Road (the freshness is non-existent)
Citroen (giant ice-skating automations do NOT sell cars)
Um Bongo (I don't even know if this still exists, which is TERRIBLE brand awareness)

There are LOTS more rubbish brands and I need to devote a LOT of Belmot brain space to thinking about the various problems faced by ALL of these rubbish brands, but at the moment all I can think of is a freeloading radio ham. He'll probably need a towel.

I'll also have to devote some time thinking about how to impress client bigwigs (that's the name of the rabbit in Watership Down - ha ha!)

Writing the best blog on the internet

2007-01-19T12:27:00.001Z

Hello blog readeradmirers!

As a beacon of best practice in both advertising AND in writing a great blog, I've been receiving almost a MILLION requests for advice on how I write the best blog on the internet.

If you're thinking of starting a blog or already have a blog but it's rubbish, these tips will DEFINITELY put you on the road to success and give you a good brand rep.

1) If you've got nothing to say, stop taking up space on the internet. It's big but it's NOT big enough for all of us. It can also create unwanted attention from the press. The Dorking Advertiser seems to have taken a morbid curiosity in my every movement lately.

2) A LOT of people are stupid (I can think of four people I've talked to already today who DEFINITELY fit into this category). If you want the thickies to understand you, it's a GREAT idea to use capital letters to highlight important words. It works and it gives you STANDOUT from the herd, which is the main thing.

3) I like to eat when I'm watching the internet, so make sure you've been shopping before starting anything else. Hotdogs are good and so is mash. Herring, soft-boiled eggs and ANYTHING in syrup is bad. I dropped tinned fruit salad on my keyboard once and, although it didn't damage the function, typing is now an unpleasantly 'tacky' experience.

4) Only write about key information. No-one wants to read an unfocussed ramble about new developments in amateur radio receivers, even if a family member wants to see it on the internet. This really is the golden rule and I wish I'd made it number one.

5) Be prepared to change your mind. EVERYONE jumped on the Paul Simon bandwagon in 2006 with the monster smash 'Graceland' but a few dinner parties later it definitely lost it's appeal. Don't set anything in stone and always use phrases like "Graceland is probably the greatest musical experience of my life", rather than "Graceland is DEFINITELY 100% the five star musical experience of my life".

6) I've been burned by this before.

7) I've just remembered that I took one of our dining room chairs into the garden before Christmas and it's STILL there. It'll be absolutely ruined (if it's even still there).

8) Also, I took a sausage and nut paella over to Carols' house for her New Year's eve party and she's STILL got the casserole dish (probably unwashed), which is typical of her. The food was a big hit though, despite the rice being on the 'rare' side (ie crunchy). It doesn't matter as long as you drink the right ratio of water though as it continues to cook in the heat of your stomach.

(I imagine. Do NOT quote this as medical advice OR cooking advice as I am not a professional doctor nor a professional cook. If pressed, I would describe myself as an enthusiast amateur at both).

9) I can't remember why I'm numbering my paragraphs but if I ever archive my memoirs it will be very useful. NOTE: this could also be a GREAT way to organise a spice rack. A number of restaurants use numbers to organise their menus, so this is a logical progression.

The Dorking Advertiser may have wind of me

2007-01-16T16:20:00.000Z

Have you seen the alarming rise in magazines showing celebrities 'snapped' while out shopping? Look at this picture of Britney Spears shopping. She's practically unrecognisable without her makeup:

The last few times I've been down to the shops (which is where the 'snapping' ALWAYS happens), I've felt what can only be described as a watchful, malign presence lurking on every street.

If you're famous (like a LOT of my blog readers probably are) then you will understand the fear. If you're not a celebrity, don't bother trying to undertstand it - it's like feeling like you're being watched and then turning round to find a lot of people looking at you.

My BIG fear is that the Dorking Advertiser has got wind of my internet celebrity status and is taking steps to 'snap' me. The standard of journalism is rubbish but Herman uses it to light the fire so we have a subscription.

The LAST thing I need is a photo of me carrying bags of loo roll round the St Martins Walk shopping centre while Herman stares into The Body Shop (he likes the smells but doesn't understand the ethical/soap concept). I don't think he realises that it's aimed at the gift buying sector, not day-to-day bathing.

Anyway, the whole situation is giving me the jitters and Herman has started wearing a balaclava a LOT of the time to hide his identity, which only draws more attention. Especially in this unseasonably mild weather. It's disgusting watching him spoon custard through the woolly mouth-hole at the dinner table every night too. Tonight he's only getting celery.

To combat the D*MNED paparrazzi I've ordered some shopping online: raisins and a new reel of dental floss - delivery estimate is Thursday night so I'll keep my blog readers informed FIRST before anyone else how this goes.

Word News: Evil sounds REALLY terrible, but the opposite word "good"' sounds understated. I'm going to start using something better as an opposite word. Great and best are DEFINITE contenders.

Be careful how you use this though: "Jesus was a best man" sounds like he's at a wedding, not the opposite of evil.

Herman has just walked in with a microphone attached to his head by a 'crown' made out of a wire coathanger (no doubt one of mine). I don't know WHAT he's playing at but I'm not letting him out of the house OR into the bathroom looking like that.

Approached by the advertising industry AGAIN

2007-01-12T12:34:00.000Z

Once again, I've been approached by "the industry" (the advertising industry if you haven't been following my blog) to give them urgent advice on how to resolve the crisis with PG-Tips tea advertising campaign.

Fortunately, I did a big shop in the week so I wasn't down the shops when the plea for help came in. Read and learn from some classic AND sharp Mrs Belmot advice.

You don't have to bother reading the whole page as a lot of it is quite panicky and distressing if you're not a professional. Skip to the end for the resolution.

This picture helps prove my claim:

Chimpy is the best adjective to use, if you're stuck for one. It's the combination of hair, wrinkles and chin.

Mrs Belmot's Predictions for 2007

2007-01-08T13:58:00.000Z

Everyone else has been jumping on MY bandwagon and giving out their predictions for 2007, so I thought it was high time someone with some professional experience gave an opinion worth listening to.

Janet's DEFINITE Predictions for 2007

1) Everyone keeps banging on about Web Two (or Web YOU as the intelligentsia call it. Start now if this doesn't include you). Don't be confused into thinking this a new version of the internet. It's not and you CAN'T buy it in Woolworths (I checked).

Anyway, it's everywhere and even my husband has heard of it, which is normally the kiss of DEATH. But it's NOT a concept with legs because logically we will end up using Web Seventeen (or even higher). Ridiculous.

My prediction: we'll go back to calling it "The Internet". Case closed.

2) As everyone gets busier, we'll see a sharp increase in multi-tasking solutions. A GOOD example would be a computer monitor screen which was actually the front of a microwave so you could cook and surf the web at the same time. It would have a digital radio built in so you can program in 3min of BBC Surrey on a defrost setting AND blog your experiences all at the same time.

Combine that with timing saving meal-replacement drinks like Milork and you've saved yourself MINUTES every day.

Imagine this connected to the internet and running Office XP: you're most of the way there.

My prediction: we'll all be doing it, so get ahead of the game and join the intelligentsia. I believe you could easily make one right NOW using sellotape and a four-way extension plug.

3) My boiler will be replaced. There's no debate about this - it REALLY needs to be done. Herman just wears two sweaters over his shirt and vest but this is NOT a good look for the season (according to the Mail on Sunday). You're better of wearing autumn tones and getting a good central heating system.

My prediction: a gas fitter will do it, rather than a plumber. Case closed.

4) I had a dream last night that I had a lion in my hall and the only way to kill it was to throw bottles of spirits at it hard so they broke, and then throw matches at the booze. Eventually it died but it was a TERRIFYING dream. No-one wants a lion in their hall.

I don't know what this means, but I interpreted it as the lion symbolising ITV (rubbish), the alcohol was advertising revenue (much-needed) and the matches were viewers. Again, it doesn't logically follow, but neither does the dream.

My prediction: there will be a lot more RUBBISH programmes on ITV before we get any good ones. I predict another nine months of reality rubbish before we see perennial favourites like Morse, Cracker, Spender and Trotter making a long-overdue comeback.

5) Ha ha! I just realised that Trotter isn't a tv detective! So picture this: Rodney dies abroad and Del Boy becomes a Peckham-based cockney private detective (called Trotter). While always solving the weekly case (missing fruit-machines, veg stolen from market stalls etc) he never solves the case of how Rodney died. So he always says "This time next year, I'll solve that case".
My prediction: this is a great idea.

This idea is 5 stars *****, so if anyone wants to make it, I want my name BIG in the credits AND some money.

I've organised the internet

2007-01-03T14:46:00.000Z

Happy New Year AND hello, bloglookers.

I've been disconnected from the internet for what feels like a long time but was actually just a middle amount of time. Did I miss anything on the internet? My chair has wheels on it and I rolled over my dial-up modem and crushed it on Christmas Eve. Ruined. No internet for two weeks. I can't imagine how the Scots manage (someone check this for me).

My husband thought he could fix the modem but all he did was open it then put it in the bin. Typical. It's taken him this long to buy a new one.

There's a HUGE amount of blogging to be done to clear the Christmas backlog (or backBLOG).

In short, Herman didn't wear his man-blouse on Christmas day after he found it to be the cause of the massive and painful static shocks he'd been getting hourly since buying it. He was standing close to the Christmas tree lights and a fork of electricty arc-ed across his front, so we had visual proof of the cause. The smell was BAD but the outcome was GOOD.

I took the blouse off his body while he was unconscious and told him that it had vaporised when he woke up. He's not sharp so he didn't "do the maths". Fortunately, he's also fickle in his fashion tastes and has been wearing a butch chunky-knit sweater ever since.

If I was on television a lot, I would definitely make an effort to shed the pounds. That said, I enjoyed the Vicar of Dibley and I'm NOT in the public eye, so it doesn't matter on either count.

Other television I watched over the holiday period was:
Eastenders: predictable but dull - 2 stars **
Vicar of Dibley: see above - 4 stars **** ha ha!
Dr Who: impenetrable - 1 star *
Watership Down: a GREAT video - 4 stars **** (due for a remake, technically it's abysmal)
Jools Holland's Hoot Party: amateurish and on far too late. 2 stars **
John Carpenter's The Thing: terrifying. I don't know why ANYONE would want to own this - zero stars 0*

Actually, there wasn't much of a backblog at all.

I've been organising my side of the internet, and you can look at it here. So far, no-one has replied to any of my emails about what I think of their website, but I'll DEFINITELY post up a reply if I get one. If you want me to criticise your website, I'll probably come across it quite soon so do NOT bother to let me know about it.

If you rub the "2" from 2007 off any calendars, letters, magazines, bills, food sell-by-dates etc you get 007 and this makes it look like you have a spy connection!

I need to go to the tip AND the shops.

The chair has HAD to go into the garden

2006-12-21T10:20:00.000Z

I had a terrible headache ALL day yesterday which I think must be some kind of 24-hour winter flu as it has now totally disappeared. My husband was very unsympathetic and told me LOUDLY that I had a hangover from the latest batch of mulled wine:

Everyone knows for a FACT that you can't get ill off mulled wine and I went on the internet to prove this. If you can find anything to support MY argument (not Herman's) let me know - I couldn't find a thing on the usual 'hot' sites (amazon, visitdorking, etc). The truth is out there but I couldn't find it. Case closed.

There's other good and bad news too. On the plus side, Herman DID spill the plate of beetroort juice all over himself and RUINED his blouse, as I planned.

On the bad side, he thinks the red stains make it look MORE festive and he's more determined than ever to keep wearing it. He also now won't let me wash it in case it ruins the colours. It stinks to high heaven and is definitely a woman's blouse. It buttons on the "woman's" side.

However, I have to admit it looks GREAT in a Christmassy way!

Another bad side issue was that, after spilling the juice down his front, he was so drowsy from the Benylin that he couldn't be moved and slept at the dinner table until about midday yesterday. Next time, I'll seek medical advice when I dose him. I was worried he wouldn't wake up until Boxing Day - then I'd REALLY have some explaining to do.

As it is, the chair he slept on seems to have 'suffered' from excessive heat and moisture. I've put it in the garden to air until the guests arrive on Monday.

I'm REALLY Christmas excited now. Not including today (as good as over and just wasting time until the BIG day), there's only two rubbish days left and then it's Christmas Eve (often better than Day as this is easily ruined by other people and ill-thought-out 'competitive' tv scheduling). I'm also about 10% sad because it's over a year until next Christmas.

It's VERY misty where I live, so if I don't see you in time and you're a blog reader, have a VERY merry Christmas. If you're not a blog reader, you won't understand what I'm talking about anyway and you're probably just wasting the internet for everyone else. Get off!

Herman's been in the bath for hours and I think he may have fallen asleep again. I hope he gets out soon. The last thing I need is to have to call a plumber to drag the bath into the garden for an airing.

He'll be DROWSY

2006-12-18T14:07:00.000Z

I'm saving money this year by only sending out my November batch of Christmas cards. Normally I send out a secondary batch in December to prompt people to send ME one back, but this year I've decided to save on cards, ink, envelopes and postage. So instead this is an online Christmas card for ALL my great blogreaders. Look above this text if you want to see it.

Herman has been wearing his shirt/man-blouse almost round the clock since he bought it, so my only hope is that it goes threadbare before Christmas day. (Unlikely: the quality of M&S blouses is EXCELLENT). Really though, he is sleeping in it and I think he may have kept it on during his bath.

I've worked out that my plan for people to assume that it was a gender-swapping party would NOT work if someone asked if this was the case. This could be asked through stupidity (likely) or even malice (less likely at this time of year).

I can't risk it though. I'm going to slip a LOT of Benylin into Herman's dinner tonight then when he's very woozy, I'll give him a brimming plate of beetroot juice to hold. Hopefully he'll spill it all over himself and ruin the blouse. I can't think of:
a) anything wrong with this plan.
b) any other course of action.

If you spot any flaws or can think of a better plan let me know. But be quick - I need to get down the shops to buy all the Benylin.

On a different subject, some people are thick. The woman who hoovers us was whinging on over the weekend how she can't remember what to buy when she gets to the shops. I had the GREAT idea of telling her to record her shopping list as a podcast and upload it to a blog or even a dedicated web server. Then if she forgot anything she could access the internet from a 'cyber-cafe', download the podcast, listen to the list and REMEMBER what she forgot.

Anyway, I don't like to name call but in this case it's just a statement of true facts. Carol is really thick and doesn't understand how the internet version TWO is working. She gave me a look like I was the thick one, which made me regret giving her a proper paper Xmas card. I also hope she doesn't read this blog as:
a) it's insulting.
b) she'll get a SECOND Xmas card for free (see above, unless you're Carol. You've already had more cards than you deserve so STOP looking).

She does an excellent job though, so I can't complain. Although she often leaves the house as dirty as when she finds it, so on reflection a BAD job.

Not including today (as good as over), only FIVE days left to Christmas. BRILLIANT!

I need overtly masculine clothes

2006-12-15T11:48:00.000Z

Blog-a-log-a-pog! (I don't this this is working)

I had a terrible shock this morning. Last night was Thursday so I sent Herman into town for the late night shopping to pick up some essential Christmas presents. It turns out he "had no luck on the presents" but instead spent a lot of money on new clothes for himself.

This is selfish and even though I'm writing about it in my blog, this is not tantamount to me condoning it. Do NOT quote me saying I do. (It happens all the time).

The big shock this morning was when he wore his new clothes. He came into the kitchen wearing denim jeans which, although they've got an elasticated waist, are very TIGHT in a lot of bad places (hips, thighs, cr*tch, calves and ankles). Somehow they create more for the imagination than they leave.

He was also sporting a 'shirt' which he said was the smoothest he'd ever worn. I'm 100% CONVINCED that he's actually bought a blouse which Lulu has been modelling in the excellent new M&S adverts. I told him as much too and he refuted it LOUDLY. He also added that it felt silky against his skin and he planned to wear it a lot.

MY suspicion is that he wandered into the women's clothes section of Marks and Spencers and is now wearing an entire outfit of women's clothes. This never would have happened if:
a) I'd been there.
b) Herman paid more attention to the detail of advertising and wasn't just influenced like a sheep obeying orders from a television.

Employing what I call "future-concerning" (a mind technique for worrying about things which you think may happen but haven't yet), I've now got a BIG concern that Herman will DEFINITELY wear his shirt/blouse on Christmas day when we have company (both family and people).

My only solution so far has been for me to wear overtly masculine clothes so our guests assume that it's a gender-swap theme party which they weren't told about.

I can't see any flaws in the plan yet, but DEFINITELY let me know if you spot one. Worse case scenario = Herman gets angry then sullen; I get egg on my face = Christmas ruined.

No snow yet in Dorking but fingers crossed!

What's Robbie Coltrane up to for Christmas?

2006-12-14T17:20:00.000Z

I don't know but I want to know. I bet he's got the scoop on the new Harry Potter (or HP as fans call him) film.

Nearly there!

2006-12-14T16:28:00.000Z

Ding dong
ding dong
ding dong
CHRISTMAS!

Brilliant! It's not long now. Here's a picture of a reindeer for eye sweets:

Recently I saw an advert for the film "The Santa Clause 3" which had the great tag line the fright before Christmas. This is a clever play on words similar to the Nightmare before Christmas. What else would work? Here's some ideas:

The Height before Christmas (growth spurt for an adolescent pre-Xmas)
The Bite before Christmas (shark or feral dog giving people nasty nips in the run-up to the festive season)
The Kite before Christmas (foreign 'arty' film which looks nice but is RUBBISH)

If anyone reading this wants to develop these ideas further, you can have them. Just credit me BIG in the titles.

Normally at this time of year, my husband comes in from his shed and puts a blanket over his ham radio equipment. Both of us find this hard going for different reasons. However, Herman has spent Nectar Points on a blow heater from Argos and I've barely seen him all month! He only comes in for food and then takes his plate out to the shed! I dread to think of the washing up potential.

I don't think he even slept inside the house last night. No complaints from me - ha ha! He snores like a pig in a FENCE and the cold weather aggravates his sinus condition.

Here's an idea: a stocking/tree connected to the internet via inline so whatever you buy comes straight through your phoneline. No need for the Royal Mail (rubbish on a good day - ha ha!). And you order it gift wrapped too.

After last year's disaster with Pat's eldest's present, I've bought him a 10-piece gift pack of talcum powder. The RoI is that this will not go off and rot (happened last year). I think he wants a white t-shirt and jeans combination like Simon Cowell but talc will keep giving, long after Cowell has had his day.

Five of the best - Xmas presents

2006-12-10T16:49:00.000Z

Hello Gang!

I've had a LOT of people 'Ask(ing) Janet' about great ideas for Christmas presents so rather than reply to all the MANY emails I've been getting, I've consolidated my 'five of the best' here:

1) Talcum powder. I ALWAYS seem to be running out of talcum so any time I get given it for free is a God send. It's nicely scented, functional and has a good 'gifty' look to it. Good for anyone who likes to be really dry, not just towel dry.

2) Dundee cake*. It's a pet hate when people give me what I call 'clutter'. Hard objects which take up space in the home. Dundee cake is good because you eat it and it's gone. Job done. Good for anyone who likes heavy desserts and is 'space-poor'. Also good for bowels.

3) Anything big. It doesn't really matter what it is, as long as it's BIG. When you receive a BIG present all wrapped up, you feel like a million dollars! What is it? It's big! I'm going to open it and find out! Good for anyone who you'd describe as "style over substance" (the present itself is always disappointing after the impact of the BIG. Frankly, who cares).

4) A canal boat. I personally would love one and I can't think of anyone I know who would not like one. It also adheres to the third criteria above. They come in a range of different styles, but I bet we'd all want the 'classic' longboat style! Good for anyone with a yen to travel in a romantic and NOT a functional way. Bad for being over-run with rats, apparently (my husband has just walked into the room).

* Don't make the mistake I did. Last year I got an entire pallete load of Dundee cakes (approx 100 cakes) for £15 from a woman who works the checkouts at Tesco. I gave it to Pat's eldest and he ended up throwing most of it away in April. It rotted BADLY after being stored in his attic. Apparently it's caused some structural damage which I'm CERTAINLY not going to pay for, despite Pat's unsubtle hints.

Don't worry - she doesn't read my blog. I asked her

More tinsel needed & my house is RED

2006-12-07T17:08:00.000Z

I haven't been busy at all recently but I can tell you that mulled champagne is only partially good at BEST. Quite often it's cooled once it comes out of the Soda Stream and even then it's not very fizzy. Maybe I need some new gas or a carbonater that can really deliver in the hot wine department.

Further to David Jason ruining his career, apparently his new programme isn't even on ITV! That TV channel gets worse and won't listen to ANY lessons I tell it. Rubbish.

More importantly, I've really started to listen to Christmas songs properly now. I start putting on a few albums through November to bring my festive spirit up to speed, but now I listen to NOTHING ELSE.

I've also replaced most of our lightbulbs with red ones to increase festivities. Herman keeps saying it's getting him in the mood but not for Christmas. I don't understand and he WON'T explain, which is a pointless situation. He's been guffawing like an idiot about the conversations he's had 'on air' with other radio hams about how he lives in a house of fun.

Again, I agree but I don't think he agrees with what I'm agreeing about. I don't like radio hams talking about me, though. To my mind they're a bunch of luddite gossips, bound to a fading technology. Also, it's not downloadable like a podcast, which is the REAL issue.

We're having a dinner party this weekend so I'll need to go to the shops to get more tinsel. I think there's enough in the house for two people to look at, but we'll DEFINITELY need more if others will be looking. Too little is a clear indicator that someone hasn't made an effort.

I accidentally flushed a yard of blue tinsel down the toilet last year while decorating the pan. I WON'T do that again in a hurry!

Actually, I managed to pull it back out but it was unusable. I'd describe it as 'manky' if you want to picture it. Anyway, it's still in the decorations box but it's not coming out this year.

Last night I had a terrible dream that my boiler was broken. Pipes were coming loose from the immersion tank and water was going EVERYWHERE. Then I woke up and everything was alright. THEN I went back to sleep and dreamt I had a new boiler which worked perfectly and ALL the bad pipes were gone.

That's what I call a fast service! Ha ha!

I'll be interested to see if the internet stays on in between Christmas and New Year. I hope so - the TV looks rubbish!

One day, I predict that someone will write a guide like the Radio Times listing whats going on at the internet every week. Probably a magazine at first but then online (or even inline!)

This is my new word for whatever replaces online. I don't know how it will work but this is a GREAT name for it, so everyone adopt it now! Inline

I need a stain remover I can count on

2006-11-28T16:21:00.000Z

Blog-a-log-a-GROG!

Ha ha! Did you see the last part of that word? It's GROG! I've spent the last three or four days working on my special recipe for mulled wine to make sure I've got it 100% perfect in time for December 1st. The house now REEKS like the floor of a cross-channel ferry, but in a good way.

I've also been experimenting with a form of mulled champagne which fizzes. Herman has told me a NUMBER of times that it can't be champagne because that's the name of the region. He's been calling it mulled dorking which is either a great brand opportunity or a REAL brand no-no.

Essentially I put mulled wine in my Soda Stream and drink what comes out. Is this how real champagne is made?

I'm NOT going to give you the final recipe for my mulled wine so DON'T ask, but I can GUARANTEE that it is EXCELLENT. As a clue, some of the ingredients include:

Butter
Marzipan
Mashed figs
Various pickles and curd

And that's just for starters!

On the down side, having four pans of wine simmering on the hob for days on end has left EVERY window in the house dripping with condensation. The fumes are unbearable but I've had some VERY productive dreams/waking hallucinations about advertising strategies. eg a pie with an advert in the middle but the pie is a fruit from a tree. Interesting, eh? Picking the fruit/pie activates a PayPal account and logs you onto eBay (somehow).

Incidentally, the airing cupboard is also ruined as I'd been storing the mulled dorking in there and a lot of it exploded. All the towels are seeped in the muck.

I've decided to brand the mulled wine "Janet's Jingle-All-The-Way Juice" - it sounds Christmassy and tells the truth concisely (the secret of great advertising).

Finally, I continue to be RIGHT and ahead of my time.

Back in early Novemember, I predicted that David Jason may have ruined his career. Then today I saw a headline essentially predicting the SAME thing here but THREE WEEKS late. Hurry up!

I am no longer embarrassed about my level of insight AND foresight, as this really is my profession now.

Finally for the second time, does anyone know if Vanish or Stain Devil is better? A LOT of furnishings are ruined.

Dorking could be on a map

2006-11-22T12:58:00.000Z

I'm REALLY getting to grips with a new CAD (computer-aided-design) package I've found on my computer. Here's a picture I made demonstrating someone using the music facility of a FlyPod whilst re-fuelling the aeroplane facility.

I am DEFINITELY aware of two drawbacks of my initial FlyPod design:

1) The headphones have to be connected on the OUTSIDE of the aeroplane. This is potentially dangerous and could cause fatalities. I'm not sure how to get round this.

2) If you activate the portability function (ie start the aeroplane), it will be impossible to hear your songs. This is not fatal, but is DEFINITELY a flaw. Again, I'm unclear on the best way to get round this without compromising the portability function.

I've been literally inundated with someone wishing me a merry X. If YOU want to wish me a merry X as well, then feel free. I haven't yet received any real Chrsitmas cards, DESPITE having sent out all of mine at the end of October. I might re-send another batch at the start of December to trigger everyone's memories.

It's not a personal choice when you don't return cards - it's bad manners and could SPOIL Christmas. Don't be selfish this year (hint: Carol and John!).

Apparently there's a lot of pictures of earth taken from space which show where you are and EVERYONE likes looking at them. This made me have a GREAT idea.

In the future, town planners should plan roads so that they spell out the name of the town. For example, Dorking would be great because both the 'D' and the 'O' could be ring roads (currently a disgrace) and the rest of the letters could be residential areas. The 'i' would be the high street.

I'd use a dual carriageway to underline the name of your town if you wanted 'standout' from the common towns.

For the 'human interest' part of this blog I thought I'd let you know that Herman has decided to buy some new clothes. It's about time! He looks like a FOOL a lot of the time.

Visual Representation of My Spirit

2006-11-17T15:20:00.000Z

I am here again, blogreaderlovers.

I've been (appropriately) SNOWED UNDER with requests from people asking how Christmassy I feel at given points in the year. Hopefully this graph will clear things up AND put it on record once and for all.

You should be able to work out that I'm feeling very festive right NOW. But that will be NOTHING compared to how festive I'll feel on Christmas Eve itself!

The summer is a big waste of time as far as Christmas is concerned. Rubbish. I just wait until September when the decorations come out again!

I haven't done any more work on my forthcoming film yet apart from thinking of some clothes for the actors to wear.

The lobby MUST be PLUSH

2006-11-14T13:21:00.000Z

Blog-a-log-a-bog!

I'm thinking of using the above as a new and bespoke way of saying hello to all YOU blog readers from now and for the future. What do you think? I used it on the woman in the Post Office (not impressed), the postman (anxious) and a check-out boy in Budgens (confused).

As you can see, the reaction has so far been poor but maybe I polled too many postal workers? I'll keep it up for a few months and let you know what the reaction is.

I made a fish casserole at the weekend but no-one wanted it. Herman said it was too brackish. He's clearly in a mood since I stopped giving him Milork. It's just as well though: he hadn't passed a solid stool the WHOLE TIME he was drinking it. Also, the rough skin (or hide) on his flanks and butt*cks has begun to clear up. If Nesquik want the recipe, they can keep it!

I was staring at the computer keyboard earlier and invented the FlyPod. It's a big white aeroplane (normal so far!) but you can plug headphones into it and listen to your music as well.

Then I thought: "It's not portable"
Then I thought "By DEFINITION it is!"
Then I thought: "Good"

I'm glad that's cleared up. Although the weather doesn't agree with my body (cold and damp) it DOES seem to agree with my BRAIN as I've been thinking of a million things, often at the same time, and all of them are new.

For example, I thought of a new film called 'Small Trouble in Big China'. Kurt Russell would play an obnoxious, fat American tourist who tries to check in at a hotel in China. Goldie Hawn plays a vapid, blonde Chinese receptionist and has lost his booking. Inevitably, there's a big argument in the hotel lobby. I can REALLY picture this scene. There would be porters and other guests in the background and the carpet would be PLUSH!

That's all I've got at the moment. If it was on tv, they should show adverts for Chinese restaurants and holiday hotels, to capitalise on viewers being 'in the mood' for China.

As mentioned above, I think the key to a good hotel romance comedy thriller (Hote-rom), is to establish a very plush lobby.

Music should be mainly Chinese until the big chase scene when it should be 'Don't Go Breaking My Heart' by Elton and Keekkee Dee. Also, if Kurt has to lose weight in the hotel gym, they should use 'Albatross' by Fleetwood Mac.

Anyway, blog-a-pog-a-gog (the new goodbye).

That sounded Welsh. Ha ha ha!

England, war and diet tips

2006-11-08T14:16:00.000Z

Hello blogreaders!

Just to be clear about an earlier post, the internet is on all the time in England. I haven't been able to test the internet in other countries so regional variations may apply. I would be VERY surprised if North Scotland, for example, needed the internet 24hrs a day.

Where else doesn't need things that the rest of us DEFINITELY need?

Resurrecting a VERY old but popular favourite, here is my daily food intake for Wednesday 8th November:
Weetabix with semi-skimmed milk for breakfast.
Quiche and salad for lunch. The quiche was too stodgy and NOT pleasant. I had 1 pint of Vimto with both meals.
I'm planning to microwave some beef for dinner and have it with baked beans and bread + butter. I will probably have Vimto again (1 pint).

If you are a chubby captain of industry (Martin!), you should eat LESS than this if you want to lose weight.

There is a LOT of talk in the "media" at the moment about people being fat. No one likes to be laughed at, so it's high time either the government or the future King did something about this. If there were better options for people to eat (Fatless Vimto, Diet Weetabix and Beef MAX) then we'd all be less portly.

When oh when are food companies going to WAKE UP and do something about this? And when will the government OR the royal family take note? They're in charge of us, after all.

If vending machines sold ONLY diet food, we'd have no option so that would 100% work. Come on! Someone do something!

My husband thinks national service would help but this is a short-term solution and only works if there's a war on. (Is there a war on?).

Actually, the last good war involved rationing of food, so maybe he's RIGHT for once.

Some guaranteed-to-work diet tips if you're tubby are:

Try to only eat food with the word 'diet' in front of it
Only reserve ONE space at the dinner table (Martin!)
Buy veg and eat it for once in your life
Eat less than you currently do (this is a DEAD cert)

David Jason may have RUINED his career

2006-11-06T10:54:00.000Z

It's official. The internet is open ALL the time!

I have barely slept a wink ALL weekend and my eyes are really quite stingy this morning. It's been exciting beyond adjectives!

Next time I go through the night on the internet, I'll be using the following 'best practice' guidelines which I STRONGLY recommend you use too:

Set an alarm clock to go off at hourly intervals so you remember to go to the toilet. I didn't go for nearly seven hours and I REALLY regretted it later.
Make sure your kitchen is clean BEFORE you start. I went in there this morning and it's a disgrace. The washing up hasn't been done since Friday and there were two flies near the dustbin.
If you have a dependent (eg husband, child), make sure they can feed themselves. If it hadn't been for Rich Tea biscuits, I don't think Herman would have had a single meal since Friday. As it is, I've barely eaten for two days but it was definitely worth it.

As you can imagine, it's been VERY hectic all weekend long. I meant to start work on my Christmas shopping planner (fail to plan = plan to fail = FAIL) but never managed to get round to it. I don't know what to buy anyone but I know where I'll be looking! The ALL-NIGHT internet. Ha ha!

In case anyone wants to know what's at the top of MY list, it's a copy of the Pina Colada song. I can't get it out of my head! It starts off sad, get's 'raunchy' and then ends up happy; all with an excellent meoldy:

"If you like pina coladas (dum be dum DUM) and getting caught in the rain (dum be dum DUM)".

I don't know why Pina Colada makers haven't already used this song in a tv advert to sell more. I've had a hankering for one all morning JUST because of the song. That's what I call return on investment!

Apparently David Jason is already booked to do a Christmas fantasy TV show which ISN'T a Harry Potter spin-off with Robbie Coltrane where they play old versions of themselves. Only time will judge if this breaks or ruins his career, but I PERSONALLY think it is a bad move.

Unless Lyndhurst is involved, in which case get ready for it to be BRILLIANT! I can't wait!

This is INCREDIBLY GOOD

2006-11-02T22:09:00.000Z

I can't believe it! Look at the time! It's 10.02pm AT NIGHT!

I didn't know that the internet stayed open this late. I'm going to check some other websites to see if they're open too. I'll let you know the results.

This could open a whole new world up if this is how it's going to be from now on.

Is there anyone ELSE here at this time of night? I feel sleepy but EXCITED!

Burnt by Espionage

2006-11-02T11:22:00.000Z

Hello blogwatchers!

After the runaway success of Milork, I decided to go straight to the organ grinder's mouth and emailed Nesquik with details. I did NOT disclose the recipe as I've been burnt by industrial espionage before. Mainly in Dorking but sometimes further afield.

"Hello,

I am a professional freelance marketing consultant and believe that I've developed a new product which you may be interested in.

Following the rise of health awareness and the success of brands such as Innocent who provide your recommended daily intake of fruit and vegetables in one drink, I have developed a similar product currently under the working name of 'Milork' (pronounced MILL-ork).

Nutritionally devised to provide the drinker with their RDA of calcium, protein and meat, Milork is a drink which combines the calcium-enriched goodness of milk with the lean meat protein aspects of fresh pork.

I have begun to market it as a cool refreshment AND as a warm, bedtime drink for adults and children alike. It provides a turnkey solution to hitting daily food targets.

If you would be interested in discussing further, please contact me at the above address.
Best regards,
Janet Belmot (Mrs)"

I sent this well over a week ago and have NOT yet had a reply. I'm assuming one of two outcomes:
1) They are currently developing their own brand of Milork (worst case scenario)
2) They are looking into the science behind my claim before making me a juicy offer (best case scenario)

Herman has had the runs for nearly a full week now, but he's insisted on Milork as a breakfast AND bedtime drink every day since the first batch was made!

I'm worried about a patch of hard skin that has formed across his back and butt*ck% but he thinks it will be needed when the weather gets colder.

I'll post a picture when the camera turns up.

Milork + Herman = 'The Runs'

2006-10-26T10:47:00.000Z

Well the results are in! My husband, Herman, had a TERRIBLE night's sleep. In fact he spent most of it on the toilet with 'the runs'. I call that voting with your feet!

In retrospect, I would NOT have used UHT milk to make Milork as it tastes a LOT worse than any other kind of milk.

That said, Herman thoroughly enjoyed his bedtime Milork and drank another pint of it for breakfast (I made a bumper batch). He keeps smacking his lips and saying he can't stop thinking about the taste. I guess that's dinner taken care of!

In case YOU want to make Milork too, my recipe is:
1 pint of milk (don't use UHT - it tastes like someone milked a poison cow)
1 large pork chop or two sausages (or c. 200g of your preffered pig meat)

Put half of the milk in a blender and add the pig meat.
Blend until creamy.
Fold in the remaining milk.
Decant into a saucepan.
Bring to the boil, then simmer for 45mins with the lid ON to cook the pork.

Serve warm or chilled, to taste. I GUARANTEE you will be surprised by the colour.

Milork

2006-10-25T16:15:00.000Z

Hi viewers!

I've recently had a lot of queries from people all trying to find root beer in the shops but failing. I don't know WHY they think I've got some. Maybe it was all the talk of vending machines.

Anyway and MORE importantly, there's definitely a gap in the market for root beer and not just one gap. There are so many root vegetables that the range of beers on offer is potentially BIG.

I predict that carrot, parsnip and sweet-potato beers would be guaranteed best sellers.

The concept also suggests a range of herb pop, such as Tarragonade, Parsleyade and Sage-a Cola. Cumin milkshakes would NOT work. Basically a poison.

However, I think the biggest breakthrough could be in the area of potable meat drinks. For example, if you liquified a pork chop (using a Magimix) then you could DEFINITELY combine this with milk and sell the product as a 'turnkey' solution to your daily intake of protein, calcium and pork.

I'd call it Milork.

The logical extension being that you'd pour this on your cereal or heat it up and use it as gravy OR a bedtime drink. Other products could be:
Organic Milork (made from free range pigs)
Diet Milork (uses skimmed milk)
Milork MAX! (same as above but for men - use black packaging)
Milorkenade (carbonated)

My husband has said it sounds like a delicious idea so I'm going to make him some diet Milork tonight and I'll let you know the results. Fingers crossed! He says he wants it warm.

Let me know if YOU want some Milork and I'll post the recipe or even post some REAL Milork!

Paint; dog; toilet seat; apology; code; McKellern

2006-10-17T15:31:00.000Z

Apparently there's a new paint advert on television now. I REALLY hope it's a Dulux one as I love that fluffy dog! My husband won't let me have one as he's worried it might outlive us or p** on the lawn. He's refused to clear p** up even though we DON'T have a dog at the moment.

On the subject of paint, has anyone else painted a room totally in gloss and regretted it later? (It makes it easier to wipe down, if you were wondering about pros and cons).

I think the woman who hoovers us has also loosened the toilet seat (unintentionally or otherwise). I KNOW she uses our facilities when I'm out of the house and now the seat has a lot more lateral give in it than ever before. It's very disconcerting. If you lean to one side (as you do!) the seat jerks under you as if it's being pulled by an unseen and cruel hand.

There is NO string or rope connected, in case you thought you had solved the mystery. The seat is loose and that's all there is to it.

I'll definitely take a photo of this and post it as soon as I can (ASAIC). I'd really like opinions on this though.

A lot of this blog seems to have been about unsanitary things, so I apologise. It 100% wasn't meant to turn out like this. The devil is in the planning, as they say!

I've also noticed another connection:
I mention a dog here AND in previous posts.
Andrex use a dog to advertise t*ilet paper.
I've also mentioned my t*ilet.
Is there a connection there? It's like the Da Belmot Code by Dan Brown! The book was ROTTEN and I haven't seen the film but can't wait!

Ian McKellern is the same in everything he does - and that "same" is watchable! Ha ha!

The dog (not the best)

2006-10-11T16:19:00.000Z

I forgot to post this earlier! Here's a picture of my dog Sheppo before he died.

It's not the best photo I've got of him by a LONG way.

Is it too much pork?

2006-10-11T14:24:00.000Z

I've been absolutely snowed under with requests from people asking specifically if my future in-house vending machines will defnitely supply voting cards and fresh produce. Most people also wanted to know if anything else would be on offer like DVDs, petrol and clothing. The answer is I don't know because I haven't built any (contrary to VERY popular belief) and I won't be in charge of them when they are built.

However, you can email the Prime Minister here or, if you're banking on Prince William being in charge of this area, then you can write to him at Clarence House, London SW1A 1BA.

Apparently Starlight Express is coming back. What a waste of time! No-one buys roller skates anymore so they DEFINITELY will NOT pay to see people rollerskating in the west end. I'd have thought a musical where everyone was blogging/texting/branding would be more interesting to most people 'in the know'. As it is, it's rubbish. Don't waste your money.

That said, I LOVED the first show and saw it about five times.

I feel guilty for two reasons:
1) I said I would document everything that I was eating and I haven't.
2) Today I had sausages for breakfast; ham sandwiches for lunch and I've got a pork joint for dinner. That's TOO MUCH pig for one person in a day, I'm sure.

I'm not a dietician so DON'T take this as professional advice though - it could be advisable to eat this amount of pork (and more) in one day. I'll probably have bacon tomorrow and turn into a pig! Ha ha!