Friday, September 29, 2006

The Four Cs

Sorry David, I haven't found out how to change entries on my blog so the comments will have to stand for the time being!

Most of you will be aware of the recent uproar about the Christmas lights for Dorking:
"Angry councillors voiced their concern this week at the use of more than £10,000 to fund the Christmas lights display in Dorking."

But have you realised that the REAL question here is how much money should any council be spending on Christmas lights, and when does it become TOO much? (This is called a 'tipping point').

My husband thinks that some lights are good, but too many are bad: a fat lot of help THAT kind of unsupported advice is! Where's the market research?!

The main thing is that the lights are snowproof, in case it snows on them. I hope the council has also budgeted for spare bulbs (mostly red), ladders and drawing pins. How much tinsel would you get for £10,000? I don't know so DON'T ask me.

All this talk of Christmas makes we want to eat Turkey. Yum!

Hang on. When's Halloween? Did I miss it?

Anyway, I hope that solves the council's Christmas coruscation conundrum (or CCCC as I've started calling when we have people round for dinner. It hasn't caught on yet but there's just under three months left so get the word out there, gang!).

Herman want's a breaded pie for dinner but I don't think you can you add breadcrumbs onto pastry. I think he saw Ainsely make one but I don't trust HIS taste at all.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Tunic colour and a Son of the Earth

I had an email yesterday from a farmer in Somerset asking for advice on raising brand awareness and penetrating an oversubscribed market. (Hint: this is EXACTLY what I'm here for). I haven't written out the email because it was full of spelling mistakes, bad grammer and makes him sound pretty stupid! Sorry, David, but it does!

So far, my advice to David (or Farmer X as he might want to be known now!) is to start with a strong outdoor poster campaign (maybe in central London at first) for instant impact, roll out banner ads on hot websites and then launch interactive bluetooth bus-stop ads in the pre-Christmas rush.

If anyone else has advice on selling on small quantities of surplus maize and barley, then post a comment below! Delivery can be within a 10-mile radius of Upper Cheddon but not in a town centre or up the motorway due to restrictions on where tractors can go. (Hint: buy a car, slowcoach!)

Sadly still no sign of the photo of me in a kaftan or the camera, or any of the other stuff I would need to recreate the photo and post it here. I'm going to try and post a picture anyway because I've never done it before. Here goes!

Brilliant! This is a picture of Robbert Coltrane as Hagrid! Not, I repeat, not a picture of me in a kaftan (although his tunic is much the same colour, in case you are trying to picture the kaftan).

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

D&G money?

If you've had an email from me in the last few weeks, you'll have noticed that I've been endorsing Dolci & Gabbama but so far no-one has been able to tell me if I get any money off this.

I thought I might as well go to the organ-grinder's mouth and emailed some company which deal with their stuff to see if I could get some loot! But I didn't use that phrase.

"Hello there,

I understand that you look after marketing/PR/advertising for Dolci & Gabbama and was wondering if you could answer a query for me?

I've recently mentioned D&G in some emails and posts on internet forums. If I end all my emails or posts with the phrase "I endorse Dolci & Gabbama", could I get some money for this? It's a great brand opportunity as word-of-mouth is one of the most trusted sources of recommendation. What do YOU think?

All the best!Janet

-I endorse Dolci & Gabbama-"

Monday, September 25, 2006

Christmas and MY photoshoot!

It was all go over the weekend. Do you KNOW how close we are to Christmas?? Very!

Thirteen weeks in fact. That's less than a hundred days (which actually sounds like a VERY long time now I see it in print). I must get something good for Pat's eldest this year - it was an impulse buy last year and he clearly didn't like it. The thing is, if you know they'll use it over the course of a year, then buying in bulk is DEFINITELY worth it. I didn't think of the storage aspect though and most of it went off within weeks.

A bad situation and apparently it smelled awful when it began to rot.

Anyway, it was all go this weekend. I cooked chicken in water for my husband which he HATED, so I drained off the water but he refused point blank to get it out of the sink. I ended up doing TWO meals in the end and a lemon meringue pie (not real lemons - you don't know the difference).

Did you know meringue is eggs? Not many people do. You can link to this if you didn't.

Still no sign of my photo, the kaftan or my camera. The sideboard is still where it should be and so is the dog (I hope! I'm not going to dig up the garden to check!) so it's not all doom and gloom though.

If I can find a different picture which I like the look of, I might post that. Or if I find a new kaftan. I think I got it from Jaeger, or it could have been Sue Ryder.

After all my endorsing of Dolci & Gabamma, I might see if they could give me a new kaftan, or even just lend me one for a photoshoot. How glamorous would that be!

Can you imagine ME doing a photoshoot? Just imagine!

They'd also need to lend me a camera too, which isn't really their main business but could be a nice moneyspinner! I wouldn't want to pay for it though. If you work for D&G and are reading this and have a kaftan AND have a camera, then let me know.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

What's the best thing?

I was trying to think of the best thing in the world that I couldn't live without and it's quite hard.

First of all, I thought of a skirt or trousers but then I realised it would have to be clothes! You DEFINITELY need clothes. But then I thought it's no good wearing clothes but being dead.
So I suppose the real question here is: clothes or food? I'm not sure I'd want to be fed but naked.

I asked the woman who hoovers us but she made a glib comment (not an internet blog comment though!) about clothes you can eat but it sounded revolting.

Could you wear food? Either way, I'd want to be warm so maybe central heating is the best option after all.

If you had a radiator key you could drink the fluid too or even make tea out of it. Ha ha! IN FACT, if you put teabags in your boiler you'd have a piping hot house heated by lots of ready-made PG Tips!

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

No reply

Still no reply from either JK Rowling OR her publisher.
Very strange.

Has anyone else had no reply when they've advised someone on something useful? Let me know YOUR comments!

On a separate note, I had an argument with my husband about a film called a Wicker Man. I said it would expand in the rain but he said it just wouldn't work full stop. I haven't seen the film so I don't know what he means and the argument was too heated for me to go back and ask him about it.

Does anyone know what he's talking about? And is it a wicker man like Superman (ie a man made of super) or is it like Rainman (not a man made of rain), or is it more like the Runningman (a who likes to run)?

I just noticed that the subject doesn't really fit with this. If no-one replies to this post, I think I'll be ok though, so please don't comment!

Does anyone test the internet for this kind of "white lie"? Let me know what YOU think!

Friday, September 15, 2006

What I look like in a photo

I've been trying to upload a photo of me for this profile thing. I've got a really nice photo from about 12 years ago where I'm wearing a kaftan.

I know - a kaftan! Can you picture me in a kaftan?

Anyway, I REALLY want to use that photo but I can't find it. It might have gone into the garage or be in a drawer somewhere so I'll have to look.

If I can't find it, I'll probably just take a NEW photo of me wearing the same kaftan. I'm not sure where that kaftan has got to, now I come to think of it, so I'd have to dig that out too.

It might be in the airing cupboard but I think I also saw it on the floor in the back of the car - Herman put it down to cover the seats when he took the dog to the kennels.

The dog's dead now, but if I can't find the photo of me in a kaftan OR the kaftan itself, I might put up a photo of the dog. We've definitely got a picture of that in the sideboard or even ON the sideboard.

If all else fails, I know where the sideboard is so I can definitely take a photo of that - which would be a start!! I think the camera is either in the upstairs bathroom or the downstairs loo.

Which reminds me, I need to buy more toilet paper if people are coming for dinner on Saturday.

What do YOU think? Let me know your comments!

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Helping out with Harry Potter

Hi gang!

If you know me then you'll know that I'm a BIG FAN of Harry Potter but I think the movies are full of flaws and holes. Rubbish. I've read all five books and can't wait for the last one. Herman read in the paper the other day (about a month or two ago I think) that JK Rowling doesn't reckon she'll finish the last book until next year. What a wait!

I thought Joanne (I wonder if she'll read this?!!) might appreciate some help from someone who probably knows the books better than herself, so I wrote to her publisher with ten of Janet's best. I'll keep you posted about what she has to say about this. Wouldn't it be brilliant if my suggestions turned up in print! I wouldn't want money for this though, as I am DEFINITELY a fan (albeit a professional one).

"Hello there!

I went to JK Rowling's website and she told me to send this to you.

I hear that JK is struggling to finish the last (or is it?!) Harry Potter book so thought she might value some suggestions from someone with a lot of experience of this sort of thing. I've written out ten of my best suggestions, so I'd be grateful if you could pass them on as soon as possible.

1) Harry should live and become a benevolent god-figure with his Christ-like powers.
2) Hermione should die by falling off a high bit of castle.
3) Ron should live. By accident he could be turned into a girl (maybe in chapter four?) which would resolve the Harry-Hermione-Ron love triangle. See point 2 above.
4) During a magic fight, Hagid could stand in a bucket and catch a spell in the face! Ha ha!
5) Dumbledore should come back to life using magic but then die again later. This would have a lot of emotion unless it was done in a comedy way, but that would be up to you.
6) Voldemort could get killed by a baby - a tragic reversal of how HE killed Harry! This should be saved til the end so no-one sees it coming.
7) Ginny should die, maybe from 'magic' cigarettes. This would send a strong message to children everywhere.
8) It could be Harry and Ginny's baby that kills Voldemort! Yes!
9) If you mention REAL brands like Coke, Sainsburys or endorse celebrity chef books, you could probably get some money for this.

I hope you find this advice great! It's all free - I just want the book QUICK!

All the best from,


Tuesday, September 12, 2006

The mountain, the prophet and Mrs Belmot

I hope this works! I think I've got my own "blog" because Brand Republic wouldn't give me one DESPITE asking for bloggers. So that explains why the mountain (me) had to come to the prophet ("blogs" on the internet) and why you (nothing else left in the analogy) are reading this.

Anyway, the important thing is that I'm here to help.

I'm currently endorsing Dolci & Gabbama (or D&G if you already know them), but this might change. If you work for Dolci & Gabbama, then could you let me know if I'm earning money for advertising you?

I hope you're all well and ready to hear some thoughts from me!

I am Janet btw (= by the way)